Many of us grew up learning how to be polite, kind, and helpful.
And while these lessons were meant to shape us into decent human beings, sometimes they accidentally turned us into people-pleasers. Maybe you’re now someone who puts everyone else’s needs first, is afraid of disappointing anyone, and struggles with saying “no.” If this sounds familiar, don’t worry — you’re not alone! Being told and taught these things as a kid might be to blame, however well-intentioned they were!
1. “Always be nice to everyone.”
“Be nice” is a classic piece of childhood advice. While kindness is wonderful, being too nice can lead to bending over backwards for everyone else, even when it drains you. You may feel like standing up for yourself is “mean,” but in reality, being nice doesn’t mean being a doormat. Learning to balance kindness with self-respect is key.
2. “Don’t make a fuss.”
Were you told to stay quiet or not complain to keep the peace? This taught you to avoid conflict at all costs. As an adult, you might suppress your feelings to avoid rocking the boat. Remember, speaking up for yourself isn’t causing a fuss — it’s setting healthy boundaries. Your voice and feelings are valid, even if they disrupt the calm.
3. “Good children are seen, not heard.”
When you learned that staying quiet was rewarded, you may have developed a fear of voicing your opinions. You might still hesitate to share your thoughts, worried you’ll be judged. But your voice matters, and speaking up doesn’t make you any less “good.” Sharing your ideas and expressing your needs are important parts of being yourself.
4. “Say sorry, even if it’s not your fault.”
Apologising for things you didn’t do wrong can turn into a lifelong habit. You might say “sorry” automatically to smooth things over, even when you’re not to blame. It’s okay to only apologise when you truly mean it — not just to make other people feel better. Being accountable is good, but over-apologising can undermine your confidence.
5. “Put other people before yourself.”
Generosity is a great trait, but if you were always encouraged to put everyone else first, you might struggle with prioritising your own needs. Selflessness has its limits, and it’s okay to take care of yourself, too. Your well-being matters just as much as anyone else’s. In fact, you can only give your best to people when you’re looking after yourself.
6. “Don’t be selfish.”
This phrase may have made you think that setting boundaries or asking for what you need was selfish. As an adult, you might feel guilty when you focus on yourself. But there’s a big difference between being selfish and practising self-care. It’s okay to look out for yourself and say no to things that don’t serve you.
7. “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”
This lesson taught you to avoid criticism, even when it’s constructive or necessary. Now, you might find it hard to give honest feedback or say something difficult. But truth delivered kindly is often more helpful than forced silence. Your honesty, when expressed thoughtfully, can build stronger relationships rather than tear them down.
8. “Don’t disappoint anyone.”
If you grew up feeling responsible for making everyone happy, disappointing anyone probably feels unbearable. This pressure can lead to overcommitting and burnout. Remember, you’re not responsible for everyone’s happiness — and it’s okay to say “no” sometimes. Letting people down occasionally doesn’t make you a bad person; it makes you human.
9. “Always do your best to make everyone happy.”
Wanting to make everyone happy can become a lifelong mission. You may tie your self-worth to how much you please people. But your value isn’t determined by how much you do for other people. You deserve love and respect, even when you’re not bending over backwards. Pleasing yourself matters just as much as pleasing everyone else.
10. “Keep your emotions in check.”
Being told to “stop crying” or “calm down” might have taught you to hide your feelings. Now, you might suppress emotions to avoid making anyone uncomfortable. But expressing your emotions is healthy and human. You don’t need to bottle everything up to keep the peace. Sharing your feelings can strengthen connections and release emotional tension.
11. “You should always help out.”
Helping is a great value to instil, but it can lead to guilt when you can’t (or don’t want to) help. You might feel obligated to step in, even when it’s inconvenient or draining. Remember, helping people shouldn’t come at the cost of your own well-being. Offering help when you genuinely have the capacity is much more meaningful.
12. “Don’t let anyone down.”
Feeling like you always have to meet other people’s expectations can be overwhelming. This lesson may have turned you into someone who says “yes” to avoid disappointing anyone. It’s important to realise that you can’t be everything to everyone — and that’s perfectly okay. Sometimes, prioritising yourself is the healthiest choice you can make.
13. “Be agreeable to avoid arguments.”
Learning to keep the peace by agreeing with everyone can make you avoid conflict at all costs. As an adult, you may struggle with expressing differing opinions. But healthy disagreements are part of life. You can speak your mind without creating chaos, and standing up for yourself doesn’t have to be combative.
14. “Don’t let anyone think badly of you.”
Worrying about what other people think can lead to constant self-monitoring and people-pleasing. But the truth is, you can’t control everyone’s opinions — and you shouldn’t have to. Being authentic and true to yourself is far more important than managing perceptions. Not everyone will understand you, and that’s okay.
