No one is born being a people-pleaser — it’s learned behaviour that often stems back to childhood.
Whether it’s from trying to keep the peace, earn approval, or avoid conflict, these habits tend to stick around into adulthood. Sure, it’s nice to make people happy, but when it comes at the expense of your own needs and desires, it’s a serious problem. Here are some experiences you might have had growing up that led to you bending over backwards for everyone, even now.
1. Being praised for “being so good”
Source: Unsplash As a kid, being called “so polite” or “such a good helper” likely became second nature, and you soaked up the praise. The constant reinforcement taught you that being agreeable was the easiest way to feel loved and valued. Now, even when you’re exhausted or resentful, you might still find yourself going along with things just to maintain that “good” image.
2. Having overly high expectations placed on you
When you were a child, nothing was ever quite good enough unless it was perfect. Whether it was straight As, an immaculate bedroom, or always saying the “right” thing, the pressure was relentless. Meeting these expectations often felt like the only way to earn approval. As an adult, you might now overextend yourself to avoid disappointing anyone, even at the cost of your own happiness.
3. Being the family peacemaker
If your household was tense or chaotic, you might have become the one who smoothed things over—cracking jokes, mediating arguments, or defusing tension however you could. Growing up as the “fixer” likely taught you to put your needs aside for the sake of peace. Now, you might struggle to stand up for yourself or handle confrontation without anxiety.
4. Getting punished for expressing disagreeing
If voicing your opinion as a child was met with anger, punishment, or the dreaded “Don’t talk back,” you probably learned to stay quiet to avoid conflict. Over time, this taught you that it’s easier—and safer—to agree with everyone, even when it goes against your own feelings. Constantly swallowing your thoughts often follows you into adulthood, leaving you prioritising harmony over honesty.
5. Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions
In a home where someone was frequently upset, you might have felt it was your job to keep the peace by cheering people up or walking on eggshells to avoid triggering their anger. The constant emotional labour likely became second nature. As an adult, you might feel overly responsible for everyone’s happiness, leaving your own needs pushed to the back.
6. Being compared to other people constantly
Source: Pexels Hearing, “Why can’t you be more like your sibling?” or “So-and-so’s child always gets it right” was like a motivational speech that stung. These comparisons likely made you hyper-aware of what people thought of you, shaping your actions to earn approval. Now, the fear of being judged keeps you striving to please people, even when it leaves you feeling drained.
7. Growing up with strict rules
Source: Unsplash Childhoods ruled by “don’t do this” and “always do that” often create adults who feel boxed in by what’s “acceptable.” The constant need to toe the line probably trained you to avoid risk or conflict at all costs. Saying yes to everyone now might feel like a natural extension of avoiding trouble, even when it’s not what you really want.
8. Feeling like love was conditional
Source: Unsplash If praise and affection from your parents only came after achievements—like good grades, perfect manners, or making them look good—you may have internalised the idea that love must be earned. That belief might now have you working overtime to gain approval in relationships or at work, often putting other people’s needs first in the hope of being valued.
9. Being the “good sibling”
Source: Unsplash Were you the one expected to set the example or shoulder responsibilities because your siblings couldn’t? Being labelled as the “reliable one” likely taught you to prioritise everyone else’s needs over your own. As an adult, you might still feel compelled to be the one who’s always there for everyone, even when it’s draining you.
10. Growing up in a household with unpredictable emotions
If your childhood home felt like an emotional minefield, you probably became skilled at reading the room and adjusting your behaviour to keep things calm. Pleasing everyone likely felt like your best shot at maintaining some stability. This habit of putting everyone else’s comfort first can follow you into adulthood, leaving little room for your own feelings.
11. Getting labelled as “too sensitive”
Hearing, “You’re overreacting” or “Don’t be so dramatic” as a child might have made you suppress your emotions to avoid criticism. This likely led to focusing on other people’s feelings instead of your own. Now, you may find yourself constantly trying to make everyone else comfortable, fearing that expressing your own needs will invite judgment.
12. Being rewarded for putting other people first
Whether it was letting your sibling have the better toy or sharing your favourite snack, these selfless acts probably earned you a lot of praise growing up. Over time, you may have learned to associate sacrifice with being “good.” As an adult, this might show up as always saying yes, even when you desperately want to say no.
13. Having parents who had high social expectations
If your family was big on “keeping up appearances,” you probably learned to prioritise making a good impression over expressing your true self. Pleasing everyone became second nature to avoid rocking the boat. Now, the thought of disappointing someone—or being seen as impolite—might feel unbearable, pushing you to overextend yourself.
14. Seeing self-sacrifice as normal
If your parents always put everyone else’s needs before their own, you likely grew up thinking that’s just what people do. Watching this dynamic taught you to say yes automatically, even at your own expense. As an adult, you may find it hard to put yourself first, fearing it might come across as selfish or uncaring.
