Parenting is often painted as the ultimate joy, and the pinnacle of purpose and fulfilment.
And while that can be true for many, it’s not the full picture. There’s definitely another side that rarely gets spoken aloud: the private regrets, the small disappointments, and the uncomfortable “what-ifs” that swirl in the background. Most parents love their children deeply, but that doesn’t mean they never question the decision, especially in the darker, lonelier stretches of parenthood. These regrets don’t make someone a bad parent—they make them honest. Here are some things people sometimes wish they’d known before having kids, but rarely dare to say out loud.
1. Mourning the version of themselves they never got to be
For some, parenting closed doors they weren’t ready to let go of. Creative dreams, career ambitions, or even the chance to explore who they were outside of being a caregiver faded fast. They love their kids, but there’s a version of themselves they never got to meet. While they rarely voice it, that slight tinge of grief lingers in the background of even the happiest moments.
2. Realising the relationship would’ve ended without kids
Children can glue a struggling relationship together—for a while. But some parents privately admit they wouldn’t still be with their partner if they hadn’t had kids, and that’s a heavy truth to carry. Instead of freedom or closure, they chose stability for the sake of their children. It’s not regret for the kids themselves, but for the years spent in something they know was never right.
3. Feeling a sense of suffocation they can’t explain
It’s not the tantrums or the school runs—it’s the relentless, unending nature of it all. There are no real breaks, and no true off-switch—just a life permanently shaped by someone else’s needs. Even when there’s love, there’s also pressure. And sometimes, that pressure feels like a trap they can’t name without being judged. So they smile, push through, and never admit the weight.
4. Losing the connection with their partner for good
Parenthood often changes focus so fully onto the children that the romantic bond quietly fades. Some couples never recover the intimacy or emotional closeness they once had. They become co-parents, logistics managers, and teammates—but not lovers. And while they don’t regret the kids, they secretly miss what their relationship used to be, and who they used to be in it.
5. Discovering they don’t enjoy parenting like they thought they would
Some parents expected it to feel natural, joyful, or deeply fulfilling. However, the truth is that they don’t enjoy the daily grind, the noise, the chaos, and that disconnect can feel shameful. They still love their kids, but they find little joy in the actual job of parenting. Plus, because the world tells them that’s not okay to say, they keep it to themselves.
6. Resenting how much of their identity was erased
Once the title “mum” or “dad” arrives, everything else often fades—friendships, hobbies, spontaneity. Some parents quietly resent how little space is left for the person they used to be. They didn’t expect to lose their name in the process of raising someone else. Even though they’re proud, they sometimes wonder what it would feel like to be seen for more than just their role.
7. Feeling like they had kids for the wrong reasons
Social pressure, family expectations, the ticking clock, or the belief that parenthood would bring meaning—it’s not uncommon for people to realise too late that their reasons were more external than internal. Admitting this would sound ungrateful or cold, so they don’t. However, deep down, they wonder who they’d be if they’d waited, or walked away entirely.
8. Missing true solitude more than they imagined
There’s a specific kind of peace that vanishes after parenthood: the ability to just… be. No interruptions, no responsibilities, no background hum of someone needing you constantly. Many parents didn’t realise how much they’d miss that stillness. It’s not just about being tired—it’s about missing the quiet freedom of being alone with their own thoughts.
9. Regretting the financial strain and lifestyle change
No one wants to admit that children are expensive and limiting. Still, some parents quietly grieve the travel, freedom, or financial security they used to enjoy, or could have built without kids. It’s not about seeing their kids as burdens. It’s about the real cost of raising them, and the dreams that had to be shelved because of it.
10. Feeling like they weren’t cut out for it after all
Some people enter parenthood hoping it’ll awaken something in them. However, instead, they feel constantly overwhelmed, disconnected, or even resentful. Needless to say, that sense of failure cuts deep. They don’t say it out loud, but they wonder: Did I make a mistake? Not because they don’t love their child, but because they’re not sure they were ever truly built for this role.
11. Wishing they had waited longer
Whether it’s having kids too young, too fast, or before they figured themselves out, many parents quietly wish they’d had a few more years of freedom first. They don’t regret their child, but they miss the version of life they never fully got to explore—and the self they never fully got to know before becoming someone else’s everything.
12. Not connecting with their child in the way they imagined
Some parents expect an instant, natural bond, and don’t get it. Or they feel emotionally disconnected from a child with a vastly different personality, which brings up guilt they can’t voice. They expected to feel one thing, and instead feel confusion, or even distance. Because parenthood is supposed to be instinctive, they feel ashamed for not fitting the mould.
13. Realising how permanent it is
Parenthood doesn’t end at 18. It’s a lifelong emotional and logistical commitment that constantly changes shape, but never really loosens its grip. And for some, that permanence hits hard. There’s no undoing it, and while they wouldn’t trade their kids, they do sometimes long for a life with looser ties and more open doors.
14. Feeling invisible in their own home
Many parents give so much to their families that they fade into the background of their own lives. Their needs, ideas, and even basic preferences are often secondary, or forgotten entirely. They become the organiser, the carer, the reliable one. And over time, that can feel less like love and more like erasure. Of course, admitting that sounds selfish, so they stay quiet and carry on.
