When you have children, you always imagine that they’ll outlive you.
As sad as it is to confront the reality that you’re going to miss out on some major milestones in their lives, it’s even sadder when your worst nightmare comes true, and you lose your adult child well before their time. It’s something you can never be prepared for, and learning how to navigate such a profound loss is a challenge unlike any other. Here are some things no one tells you that you learn when faced with this horrible tragedy.
1. The grief doesn’t follow a timeline.
There’s no expiration date on mourning the loss of your adult child. You might find yourself having good days followed by waves of intense grief years later. It’s a lifelong journey, and that’s okay. Don’t let anyone tell you that you should be “over it” by now.
2. You might feel guilty for outliving them.
Source: Unsplash It’s common to feel a sense of guilt for being alive when your child isn’t. This “survivor’s guilt” can be intense and confusing. Remember, it’s not your fault, and your child would want you to live your life fully.
3. Holidays and milestones become bittersweet.
Celebrations like birthdays, holidays, or events your child would have enjoyed can become painful reminders of your loss. You might find yourself imagining what they’d be doing if they were still here. It’s normal to have mixed emotions during these times.
4. Your relationship with your other children might change.
Losing an adult child can affect your relationships with your other children. You might become overprotective, or they might feel pressure to fill the void left by their sibling. Open communication is key to navigating these changes together.
5. People might avoid talking about your child.
Source: Pexels Some folks might think mentioning your deceased child will upset you, so they avoid the topic altogether. In reality, many grieving parents find comfort in talking about their child and keeping their memory alive. Don’t be afraid to bring up your child in conversation.
6. You might struggle with your identity.
Being a parent is a huge part of your identity. Losing an adult child can make you question your role and purpose. It’s a journey to redefine yourself while still honouring your role as a parent to your deceased child.
7. The “what ifs” can be overwhelming.
Source: Unsplash You might find yourself constantly thinking about what could have been — heir career, relationships, children they might have had. These thoughts can be painful, but are a normal part of the grieving process. Try to focus on the life they did live rather than the one they didn’t get to.
8. Your grief might affect your physical health.
Intense grief can manifest physically. You might experience fatigue, aches, or even a weakened immune system. Taking care of your physical health becomes more important than ever during this time.
9. You might feel isolated from your peers.
Losing an adult child isn’t something most of your peers will have experienced. This can lead to feelings of isolation. Looking for support groups for parents who’ve lost adult children can provide a sense of community and understanding.
10. Your relationship with your partner might be tested.
Source: Unsplash Grief can put a strain on even the strongest relationships. You and your partner might grieve differently, leading to misunderstandings. Open communication and possibly couples counselling can help navigate this difficult time together.
11. You might find yourself parenting your child’s children.
If your adult child had children of their own, you might find yourself in a new role as their guardian. This can bring a mix of emotions — joy in the connection to your child, but sadness that they’re not here to parent themselves.
12. Dealing with your child’s belongings is heart-wrenching.
Deciding what to do with your adult child’s possessions can be an emotional minefield. There’s no right or wrong way to handle this — some parents find comfort in keeping everything, others in giving things away. Take your time with this process.
13. You might question your faith or beliefs.
Losing an adult child can shake your faith to its core, whether that’s religious faith or a general belief in the fairness of life. It’s normal to question everything you thought you knew. This can be a time of spiritual crisis or, for some, a deepening of faith.
14. You discover strength you never knew you had.
Source: Unsplash Despite the immense pain, many parents find they have reserves of strength they never knew existed. You learn to carry your grief while still living your life. It’s not easy, but it’s a testament to the human spirit and the enduring power of a parent’s love.
