When it comes to relationships, there’s a lot you can influence — how you communicate, how you show love, and how you handle conflict, for starters.
But no matter how much effort you put in, some things are completely out of your control. Trying to force or change these things often leads to frustration, resentment, or unnecessary stress. Learning to accept what you can’t control can actually make your relationship healthier and help you focus on what truly matters. Here are some of the things you don’t get a say in when it comes to love.
1. How your partner was raised
Everyone comes into a relationship with their own background, childhood experiences, and family dynamics that shape how they see love, trust, and commitment. You can support your partner in working through past wounds, but you can’t undo their upbringing or rewrite their history. Instead of trying to change how they see relationships overnight, patience and understanding go a long way. Encouraging growth is great, but expecting them to think or act exactly like you is unfair.
2. Their emotional baggage
Everyone has some level of emotional baggage — past relationships, heartbreaks, trust issues, or personal struggles that have shaped them. While a healthy relationship can be a safe space for healing, it’s not your job to “fix” someone or erase their past. It’s important to support your partner without taking full responsibility for their emotional wellbeing. They have to be willing to do the work on their own healing; all you can do is be there for them along the way.
3. How they express their feelings
Not everyone expresses emotions in the same way. Some people are naturally open, while others struggle to put their feelings into words. Trying to control how your partner communicates can lead to frustration for both of you. Encouraging them to share is fine, but forcing someone to express themselves in a way that doesn’t feel natural to them won’t work. It’s better to create an environment where they want to open up rather than making them feel pressured.
4. Their past relationships
Whatever happened before you came into the picture is completely out of your control. Whether they had toxic exes, were heartbroken, or made mistakes, the past is the past. Bringing up old relationships out of jealousy or insecurity only creates unnecessary tension. Instead of focusing on what came before, concentrate on how they treat you in the present.
5. Their family dynamics
You might not always agree with how your partner’s family operates or the way they interact, but trying to control their family relationships is a losing battle. Families come with their own complexities, and your partner’s bond with their parents or siblings isn’t something you can dictate. Even if you don’t always understand their dynamic, supporting your partner and setting your own boundaries is far more effective than trying to change their family relationships.
6. Their personal goals and dreams
A relationship should support individual growth, not limit it. While you and your partner should have shared goals, you can’t dictate what they should want for their own life, career, or passions. Trying to push someone toward a life path that doesn’t truly align with their dreams can lead to resentment. Encouraging and supporting them is great, but their ambitions are ultimately theirs to define.
7. Their friendships
It’s normal to have opinions about the people your partner surrounds themselves with, but at the end of the day, you can’t pick their friends for them. Trying to control who they spend time with can feel suffocating and can create unnecessary conflict. If you don’t like one of their friends, you can express your concerns in a respectful way, but it’s up to them to decide who they want in their life. Healthy relationships involve trust, not control over each other’s social circles.
8. Their bad habits
Whether it’s leaving the dishes in the sink, scrolling on their phone too much, or biting their nails, everyone has little habits that can be frustrating. But unless they want to change them, nagging won’t make much of a difference. If something genuinely bothers you, it’s okay to bring it up, but trying to force someone to change rarely works. Instead, focus on compromise and open conversations rather than controlling their behaviour.
9. Their mood or energy levels
Source: Unsplash Some days, your partner will be in a great mood, and other days, they might feel drained, stressed, or distant. No matter how much you try, you can’t control their emotions or make them feel a certain way. Instead of taking it personally when they seem off, offering understanding and support is a better approach. Sometimes, they just need space, and that has nothing to do with you.
10. How they handle stress
Source: Unsplash Everyone has their own way of coping with stress. Some people talk things out, while others retreat into themselves. You can offer support, but you can’t force them to manage stress the way you would. It’s helpful to communicate what you need from each other during stressful times, but ultimately, they have to find their own ways to cope. Pushing them to handle stress differently usually backfires.
11. Their beliefs and opinions
Source: Unsplash You and your partner don’t have to agree on everything, and trying to change someone’s core values or beliefs usually leads to resentment. Healthy relationships allow room for differences without trying to force the other person to think the same way. As long as your values align in ways that matter to both of you, it’s okay to disagree on certain things. Respecting differences is more important than trying to control them.
12. Their willingness to put in effort
Source: Unsplash A relationship takes work from both people. If you’re the only one making an effort, you can’t force them to match your energy. A relationship should never feel like you’re constantly dragging the other person along. Effort has to come from them naturally. If they’re not showing up for the relationship in a meaningful way, it’s worth asking whether they’re truly invested.
13. Their need for alone time
Some people need more space than others, and that’s completely normal. Just because your partner enjoys time alone doesn’t mean they don’t love you — it just means they recharge differently. Trying to control how much time they spend with you versus how much they need for themselves can create unnecessary tension. Respecting their independence will make the relationship stronger, not weaker.
14. Whether they love you the way you want them to
People express love differently. Some show it through words, others through actions, and some through physical affection or quality time. You can communicate your needs, but you can’t force someone to love you in an exact way. What you can do is notice the ways they naturally show love. If their actions make you feel cared for, even if they express it differently than you do, that’s what matters most.
