Gaslighting can sneak into everyday conversations, often without people realising how damaging it really is.
Instead of adding clarity or support, gaslighting dismisses and undermines, leaving people feeling confused and invalidated. On the flip side, respectful communication encourages understanding and trust. Here are 17 common gaslighting phrases, contrasted with respectful alternatives that promote healthy relationships and mutual respect. Isn’t that what we all want?
1. Gaslighting: “You’re being too sensitive.”
Calling someone “too sensitive” shifts the blame onto them for having feelings, instead of addressing what actually upset them. It’s a way of minimising their emotions, making them feel like they’re overreacting when their reaction might be completely valid. This tends to shut people down, leaving them feeling isolated and self-conscious. Over time, it can chip away at someone’s confidence in their own emotions.
Respectful: “I didn’t realise this upset you—can we talk about it?”
This response shows genuine care and curiosity about how the other person feels. It takes their emotions seriously instead of brushing them aside, creating an opportunity for connection and understanding. By inviting them to share their perspective, you’re signalling that their feelings matter to you. It also opens the door to finding solutions rather than letting resentment build.
2. Gaslighting: “You’re imagining things.”
Dismissing someone’s concerns with this phrase can make them question their reality, which is incredibly damaging. It suggests they’ve completely fabricated their experience, leaving them feeling dismissed and invalidated. Over time, hearing this regularly can make someone doubt their memory or instincts. It shuts down any chance of meaningful conversation, replacing it with distrust.
Respectful: “That’s not how I saw it, but I’m open to hearing your side.”
Acknowledging a difference in memory without flat-out denying their experience shows respect. It leaves room for both perspectives and allows the conversation to move forward constructively. This phrasing is much less confrontational and creates an atmosphere where both people feel heard. It’s a small but powerful way to keep the dialogue open and balanced.
3. Gaslighting: “You’re overreacting.”
Calling someone’s feelings an overreaction is a quick way to make them feel small and unheard. It shifts the focus from what’s upsetting them to how they’re expressing their emotions, which can feel dismissive. People don’t need their feelings judged—they need them understood. This phrase often escalates conflict by invalidating someone’s experience entirely.
Respectful: “I can see this is really affecting you—what can I do to help?”
This phrase shows empathy and a willingness to support the other person without making their emotions feel like a problem. It validates their feelings and shifts the focus to finding ways to ease the situation. It’s a small act of kindness that can make someone feel valued and heard. Even if you don’t fully understand why they’re upset, showing care can go a long way.
4. Gaslighting: “You’re crazy.”
Labelling someone as “crazy” is one of the most harmful ways to dismiss their feelings or behaviour. It’s not just insulting—it makes the person feel like their emotions aren’t valid or worth addressing. This phrase often silences people out of fear of being ridiculed further. It’s a lazy and hurtful way to deflect accountability.
Respectful: “I’m having trouble understanding this—can you explain it a bit more?”
This is a much kinder way to express confusion while keeping the focus on understanding, not blame. It lets the other person know you’re open to their feelings and willing to engage with them. It also invites them to elaborate, which can help clear up any misunderstandings. Sometimes, just hearing someone out can de-escalate a tense moment entirely.
5. Gaslighting: “I never said that.”
Flat-out denying past statements can make someone feel like they’re losing their grip on reality. It suggests their memory is unreliable, even when they clearly recall what was said. This type of gaslighting is particularly damaging because it leaves people questioning themselves instead of addressing the issue at hand. They’re not solving the problem, they’re shutting it down.
Respectful: “I don’t remember saying that—can you remind me when it happened?”
Rather than denying outright, this response admits to a lapse in memory while still respecting the other person’s recollection. It keeps the conversation open instead of turning it into a debate about who’s right. This way, you can explore the issue together without creating unnecessary conflict. It’s a much more constructive way to move forward.
6. Gaslighting: “You’re just trying to start a fight.”
Accusing someone of stirring up trouble undermines their genuine attempt to address an issue. It reframes their concerns as antagonistic, discouraging them from speaking up again in the future. This phrase also shifts the focus away from the topic, making it harder to resolve anything. It’s dismissive and ultimately counterproductive.
Respectful: “I feel like there’s tension — can we talk about it?”
Acknowledging the discomfort without blaming the other person creates space for a real conversation. This approach encourages both people to share what’s on their minds in a calm, open way. By focusing on the underlying issue instead of the person, you set the tone for a productive dialogue. It’s a much more thoughtful way to handle conflict.
7. Gaslighting: “It’s your fault I’m upset.”
Blaming someone else for your emotions removes your own accountability and unfairly shifts all the responsibility onto them. It can make the other person feel guilty and overwhelmed, even if they didn’t do anything wrong. This phrase doesn’t resolve conflict—it just adds fuel to the fire.
Respectful: “I’m upset about this — can we talk about it?”
This phrasing takes ownership of your feelings while inviting the other person to work through the issue with you. It’s collaborative, not accusatory, which makes it easier for both people to feel safe in the conversation. Being honest about your emotions without pointing fingers encourages understanding and connection.
8. Gaslighting: “You’re remembering it wrong.”
Telling someone they’re wrong about their own experience can be incredibly invalidating. It creates tension and makes them feel like they’re being gaslit, even if that wasn’t the intention. This approach erases any chance of constructive discussion and leaves the person feeling frustrated and unheard.
Respectful: “I don’t see it that way. Can we go through it together?”
This response acknowledges a difference in perspective without outright denying the other person’s memory. It shows a willingness to explore what happened collaboratively, which helps maintain trust and respect. Even if you disagree, this phrasing keeps the focus on understanding rather than dismissing.
9. Gaslighting: “You’re the reason things are like this.”
Blaming someone entirely for a situation is unfair and unhelpful. It doesn’t leave room for shared accountability or mutual resolution, and it often deepens the conflict. This phrase shuts down communication and fuels resentment rather than fixing anything.
Respectful: “I don’t recall it that way—can we go over it together?”
By acknowledging differing memories, this approach promotes mutual understanding instead of invalidating the other person’s perspective.
10. Gaslighting: “It’s your fault I’m upset.”
Blaming someone else for your feelings creates an imbalance of power and responsibility in the conversation. It shifts accountability and can leave the other person feeling unfairly burdened. This tactic often leads to more resentment rather than resolution.
Respectful: “I feel upset—can we talk about what’s bothering me?”
This phrase takes ownership of your emotions instead of putting the blame on someone else. It invites the other person into a constructive discussion, showing that you value their input and want to work through the issue together. It also reduces defensiveness because it’s framed around how you feel rather than what the other person did. Conversations that start this way are much more likely to lead to understanding and resolution.
11. Gaslighting: “I was joking—calm down.”
Dismissing someone’s hurt feelings as a joke deflects accountability and makes them feel like they’re overreacting. It minimises their emotions, implying they’re taking things too seriously when they might be genuinely upset. This phrase often creates more tension, leaving the person feeling invalidated and reluctant to share how they feel in the future.
Respectful: “I didn’t mean to upset you—let’s talk about how I came across.”
This response shows that you’re willing to take responsibility for your words, even if the hurt wasn’t intentional. It acknowledges the other person’s feelings and invites a conversation about the impact of your behaviour. By addressing the situation with care and openness, you can clear up misunderstandings and build trust, making it easier to move forward.
12. Gaslighting: “You’re too emotional.”
Labelling someone as “too emotional” shames them for having feelings and implies that their reactions are exaggerated or inappropriate. It discourages them from expressing themselves, often leading to misunderstandings and emotional distance. This phrase invalidates their emotions and shifts the focus away from the real issue, making it harder to resolve conflicts.
Respectful: “I can see this is a lot—let’s take a moment to process it.”
This response acknowledges the intensity of the situation without judgment. It shows understanding and gives the person space to collect their thoughts before diving into the conversation. By offering a moment to regroup, you’re creating a supportive environment where they feel safe to express themselves without fear of being dismissed.
13. Gaslighting: “No one else has a problem with this.”
Comparing someone’s feelings to other people’s experiences dismisses their perspective and suggests they’re overreacting. It isolates them by making their concerns seem unimportant or invalid. This tactic discourages open communication and can make the person feel like their emotions don’t matter.
Respectful: “I didn’t realise this bothered you—can you explain why it does?”
This phrase shifts the focus to understanding their feelings rather than minimising them. It shows that you’re willing to listen and learn about their perspective, creating an atmosphere of openness and mutual respect. By asking for an explanation, you demonstrate that their emotions are worth exploring and addressing.
14. Gaslighting: “You’re lucky I put up with you.”
This manipulative statement is designed to make someone feel unworthy of care or respect, creating a power imbalance in the relationship. It’s a dismissive phrase that destroys trust and makes the person question their value. It shifts the dynamic from mutual respect to one of condescension and control.
Respectful: “I value what we have and want to work through this together.”
Source: Unsplash This response reinforces the importance of the relationship while showing a commitment to resolving issues as a team. It acknowledges the challenges without diminishing the other person’s worth, creating a foundation of trust and partnership. By expressing a desire to work together, you demonstrate that the relationship is a priority.
15. Gaslighting: “You’re the reason things are like this.”
Blaming someone entirely for a problem disregards the complexity of most situations and unfairly places all the responsibility on them. It creates resentment and makes it difficult to find a way forward. This tactic often shuts down communication and deepens divides in the relationship.
Respectful: “I think we both play a role in this—how can we work together to improve things?”
This response acknowledges that relationships and conflicts are rarely one-sided. By taking shared responsibility, you show a willingness to collaborate and find solutions together. This phrasing promotes a sense of partnership and mutual respect, making it easier to rebuild trust and move forward constructively.
