You like to think of yourself as a good wife, and you likely are.
You compliment your husband regularly, make him feel loved and appreciated, and prioritise intimacy to keep your connection strong. So why is it that he seems to be desperate for validation from women who aren’t you? It’s frustrating, offensive, and a little scary. Does it mean he’s going to have an affair? Has he fallen out of love with you? While neither of those things is necessarily the case, here are some possible explainers for what’s going on with him.
1. He’s chasing the feeling of being “new” again.
Marriage brings familiarity, which is beautiful but can feel monotonous. Attention from other women might give him a fleeting sense of novelty he misses. Instead of assuming this is about you, it could be a longing for the fresh energy that comes from new interactions. Together, you might explore ways to inject novelty into your shared experiences, like learning something new as a team or changing your routine.
2. He’s struggling with his identity beyond the relationship.
Sometimes, people define themselves so much by their roles—spouse, provider, parent—that they lose touch with their individuality. Looking for attention can be a misguided attempt to rediscover himself. Helping him reconnect with hobbies or passions he may have set aside could help him feel more whole and less reliant on external validation.
3. He doesn’t feel like the “hero” anymore.
Men often thrive when they feel needed or admired. If the relationship has shifted to being more equal or independent, he might miss moments where he felt like the one you relied on. Reflecting on how you can share moments of admiration—without sacrificing your autonomy—might bring back some of the magic he’s seeking elsewhere.
4. He’s responding to an unspoken cultural script.
Society often pressures men to associate their worth with how desirable they are to other women. Seeking attention could be less about dissatisfaction in the marriage and more about conforming to those expectations. Helping him unravel these external pressures through meaningful conversations can shift his focus inward, where true connection thrives.
5. He feels invisible in his daily life.
It’s not uncommon for partners to fall into routines where they stop noticing the small things about each other. He might be craving attention because he feels unnoticed—not just by you but in life overall. Shifting focus to intentionally acknowledge each other’s efforts and quirks can reignite that sense of being seen.
6. He’s searching for a sense of autonomy.
Sometimes, craving attention isn’t about connection—it’s about control. Attention from other women can create the illusion of independence in a life that feels overly dictated by responsibilities or expectations. Encouraging him to take ownership of personal goals or solo adventures can help him feel empowered within the marriage instead of looking for it elsewhere.
7. He’s testing boundaries without realising it.
Some men unconsciously test the limits of their behaviour, not with ill intent but to gauge how much freedom they have. It can come across as if they’re looking for attention from women who aren’t their wives. Addressing this early with calm, honest conversations about boundaries can prevent misunderstandings and reinforce trust.
8. He’s trying to avoid vulnerability in the relationship.
Seeking attention elsewhere might be his way of sidestepping deeper emotional conversations at home. Vulnerability can feel overwhelming, especially for someone who struggles to articulate their feelings. Gently creating a safe space for him to share without judgment could help redirect that need for validation back into your relationship.
9. He’s overwhelmed by the “everydayness” of marriage.
Love doesn’t fade—it evolves. But the mundane side of daily life can sometimes overshadow the romance. If he’s craving attention, it might be less about the allure of other women and more about escaping the monotony. Together, find ways to break the routine, like a spontaneous getaway or trying something completely unexpected together.
10. He’s wanting depth he doesn’t realise is missing.
Shallow attention from women they’re not actually in a relationship with can feel like a quick fix for a deeper issue. He may not even realise he’s looking for more meaning or connection in his life. Reflecting on shared values, long-term dreams, or even philosophical conversations could help him find depth within the relationship, rather than fleetingly outside it.
11. He’s replaying unresolved patterns from his past.
If attention-seeking is something he’s done before, it could be tied to earlier habits or wounds. Maybe he learned to crave external validation because of neglect or approval-seeking dynamics growing up. Compassionately exploring these patterns together or with a therapist could help unravel their hold on him.
12. He’s feeling the pressure of aging.
For some men, attention from other women can act as reassurance that they’re still attractive or relevant. It’s not about betraying your love—it’s about grappling with fears of getting older. Sharing these insecurities openly and finding ways to celebrate his strengths and growth together can provide a sense of comfort and validation.
13. He’s acting out due to unresolved frustrations.
If he feels unheard or overlooked in the relationship, seeking attention might be a passive-aggressive way to express those frustrations. Instead of waiting for him to bring things up, check in regularly to see how he’s feeling and if there’s anything he’d like to work on together.
14. He’s trying to reignite a sense of playfulness.
Playfulness often fades under the weight of adult responsibilities, leaving some men searching for lighter, more carefree interactions. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t value your relationship—it could mean he’s looking for ways to escape the heaviness of life. Together, rediscover the fun side of your relationship with shared jokes, games, or adventurous activities.
15. He doesn’t know how to bring his needs to you.
Craving attention from other women might be a sign that he doesn’t feel comfortable or equipped to communicate what he’s lacking in the relationship. Encouraging open dialogue without judgement and practising active listening can help bridge the gap and bring his focus back to you.
