When someone complains to you about a problem they’re having, the natural instinct is to offer advice, or a way to fix things.
After all, if they’re coming to you with a problem, they must want a solution, right? Not necessarily. Sometimes, giving advice can do more harm than good, leaving the other person feeling unheard, frustrated, or even invalidated. (Weird but true!) People often vent to release emotions, not to get instructions on what to do next. If you’ve ever walked away from a conversation feeling like your advice wasn’t well received, here’s why advice can sometimes hurt more than help when someone just wants to vent.
1. It makes them feel like they’re being lectured.
Even if advice is well-intentioned, it can come across as a lecture rather than support. When someone is in the middle of venting, they’re often looking for validation, not a step-by-step guide on how to fix their situation. Instead of feeling comforted, they may feel like they’re being talked down to or treated like they don’t know how to handle their own life. Most people know what they “should” do in difficult situations, but that doesn’t mean they’re ready to hear it when they’re overwhelmed. Offering advice too soon can make them feel like they’re being corrected rather than supported, which can add to their frustration rather than ease it.
2. It can make them feel dismissed.
When someone is upset, they want to feel heard. If you immediately jump into advice-giving mode, it can feel like you’re brushing past their emotions in favour of problem-solving. Instead of feeling understood, they may feel like their feelings are being pushed aside. Sometimes, people just need to sit with their emotions before they can think about solutions. When advice is given too soon, it can make them feel like their feelings don’t matter, which can make them less likely to open up in the future.
3. They might have already thought of it.
When you give advice, there’s a good chance the person has already considered it. Most people have already run through the obvious solutions in their heads before venting to someone else. Hearing advice they’ve already dismissed or tried can make them feel like their struggle isn’t being taken seriously. Instead of assuming they need guidance, it’s often more helpful to ask, “Have you already thought of a way forward?” It gives them the space to share what they’ve already considered, rather than feeling like they have to listen to something they already know.
4. It shifts the focus away from what they really need.
Most people vent because they need emotional support, not because they’re asking for a strategy session. Giving advice too quickly can shift the conversation from feelings to logic, which may not be what they need in that moment. Instead of getting a chance to express themselves, they find themselves stuck in a discussion about solutions. While advice can be useful at the right time, it’s often better to focus on validating their emotions first. Asking, “Do you just need to talk, or would you like some input?” can help clarify what they actually need before jumping in with suggestions.
5. It can make them feel incompetent.
No one likes feeling like they can’t figure things out on their own. When someone vents and the response is immediate advice, it can unintentionally send the message that they’re incapable of handling their own problems. Even if that’s not the intention, it can make them feel small or incapable. People want to feel trusted and believed in, especially when they’re going through something tough. Instead of offering advice right away, sometimes the best thing to do is remind them that they are strong and capable of finding their own way through.
6. It can add pressure rather than relief.
When someone vents, they’re usually looking for emotional release. But when advice is given, it can feel like an extra responsibility on their shoulders. Suddenly, instead of just feeling their emotions, they’re expected to take action or implement suggestions. The added pressure can be overwhelming, especially if they’re already feeling stuck. Instead of helping them feel lighter, advice can make them feel like they’re failing if they don’t immediately take steps to “fix” things.
7. It can feel like an obligation to agree.
When advice is given, the unspoken expectation is that the person will take it. But what if they don’t agree? What if it’s impractical for them? That can create an awkward dynamic where they feel like they have to either justify why they won’t follow the advice or go along with something that doesn’t feel right. Instead of assuming they need a solution, asking something like, “What do you think would help?” keeps the focus on their perspective rather than making them feel like they have to accept whatever is being suggested.
8. It can make them feel emotionally invalidated.
People vent because they need to process emotions, not because they’re necessarily looking for logic. When advice is given too soon, it can feel like their emotions are being brushed aside in favour of “fixing” the problem. It can make them feel like they’re not allowed to just feel upset for a moment. Sometimes, the most helpful thing you can do is simply acknowledge their feelings. Saying, “That sounds really difficult, I can see why you’re upset,” validates their emotions and gives them the space to express what they need to.
9. Not every problem has a clear solution.
Some problems don’t have an easy fix — or any fix at all. When someone is venting about grief, a tough decision, or a situation outside their control, offering advice can feel irrelevant or even frustrating. Not everything is about problem-solving. In these situations, what they really need is support, not instructions. Just being there and listening can be far more helpful than trying to come up with solutions that may not even apply.
10. It can make them feel alone in their emotions.
When someone is venting, what they often want most is to feel like they’re not alone. But when advice is given immediately, it can feel like the focus shifts from their emotions to problem-solving. Instead of feeling understood, they may feel like they’re being given a task list instead of empathy. Simply saying, “That sounds really tough. I’m here for you,” can go a long way in making them feel supported without adding any pressure.
11. It can cause resentment.
When people vent, they’re often in a vulnerable state. If advice is given in a way that feels dismissive or condescending, it can create resentment. Instead of feeling supported, they may feel like their struggles are being minimised or treated like a simple problem to be solved. People remember how they feel in conversations, not just what was said. Offering space for them to feel heard can strengthen the relationship more than offering solutions ever could.
12. It assumes they haven’t already tried to fix it.
Most people don’t vent about problems they haven’t already tried to solve. Giving advice can sometimes feel like an assumption that they haven’t done everything they can. It can make them feel unseen or unappreciated for the efforts they’ve already made. Instead of assuming they need new solutions, asking, “What have you tried so far?” can help them feel validated for their efforts rather than dismissed.
13. It can create an imbalance in the relationship.
When one person always gives advice and the other is always on the receiving end, it can create a power imbalance. The person venting may start to feel like they’re being treated as someone who always needs help, rather than as an equal. Healthy relationships involve mutual support, not one-sided guidance. Making sure to offer listening and validation before advice keeps the relationship balanced.
14. It can make them stop coming to you.
If someone constantly feels unheard or brushed aside with advice, they may stop confiding in you. Over time, they might decide it’s easier to keep things to themselves rather than deal with unsolicited solutions. Being a safe space for someone to express their emotions, without trying to fix everything, strengthens trust. Sometimes, being there is enough.
15. Sometimes, they just want to be heard.
At the end of the day, most people vent because they want to feel understood, not instructed. A simple, “That sounds really hard, I’m here for you,” is often more valuable than any piece of advice could ever be. When in doubt, just listen. The best support you can give is often not advice — it’s just being present.
