Healthy relationships are what most of us are looking for in life, but for some people, the stability and predictability that come along with them are, well, a bit boring.
It’s not that they don’t want love or connection, one assumes, but the drama and intensity of unhealthy relationships can be strangely attractive to a lot of people. Here’s why healthy relationships might not be everyone’s cup of tea (and why they need to rethink their approach).
1. They crave the thrill of the chase.
For some, the excitement of pursuing someone, the uncertainty of whether they’ll reciprocate, can be addictive. The highs and lows of an unpredictable relationship can feel more exhilarating than the steady rhythm of a healthy one. Once the chase is over and the relationship is secure, they might find themselves yearning for the next conquest.
2. They’re drawn to the drama.
Healthy relationships are built on trust, respect, and open communication. But for some, the drama and conflict of unhealthy relationships can be strangely captivating. They might thrive on the emotional rollercoaster, the make-up-break-up cycle, and the constant push-and-pull. The peace and stability of a healthy relationship can feel dull in comparison.
3. They fear intimacy and vulnerability.
Healthy relationships require letting your guard down and being truly seen by another person. For those who struggle with intimacy or vulnerability, this can be terrifying. The emotional safety and openness of a healthy relationship might feel too exposing, so they’re drawn to relationships that maintain a certain level of distance and emotional unavailability.
4. They equate passion with intensity.
Some people confuse passion with the intensity of emotions often found in unhealthy relationships. The fiery arguments, the jealousy, the grand gestures — these can be mistaken for deep love and connection. The quieter, more consistent love found in a healthy relationship might be perceived as lacking passion or excitement.
5. They have unresolved childhood issues.
Our early experiences with love and attachment can shape our relationship patterns later in life. If someone grew up in a chaotic or emotionally volatile environment, they might subconsciously be drawn to similar dynamics in their adult relationships. The stability and predictability of a healthy relationship might feel foreign or even uncomfortable.
6. They have low self-esteem.
People with low self-esteem might believe they don’t deserve a healthy, loving relationship. They might settle for partners who treat them poorly, reinforcing their negative self-beliefs. The idea of a partner who truly values and respects them might feel unattainable or even undeserved.
7. They’re addicted to the ‘fix’.
The emotional highs and lows of an unhealthy relationship can trigger the release of stress hormones and neurotransmitters, creating a kind of addiction. The rush of adrenaline and dopamine can be intoxicating, making it difficult to break free from the cycle, even when it’s clearly detrimental.
8. They haven’t experienced a healthy relationship.
If someone has never witnessed or experienced a healthy relationship, they might not know what it looks like or how to create one. They might equate love with drama, conflict, or emotional unavailability because that’s all they’ve ever known. Without a healthy model to compare to, they might not realise what they’re missing.
9. They enjoy the challenge of ‘fixing’ someone.
Some people are drawn to partners who are emotionally unavailable or struggling with personal issues. They might see it as a challenge or a mission to ‘fix’ their partner and make them happy. This can provide a sense of purpose and control, but it’s ultimately a recipe for an unhealthy and codependent relationship.
10. They’re afraid of being alone.
The fear of being alone can drive people to stay in unhealthy relationships, even when they’re clearly unhappy. The idea of being single and navigating life solo can be daunting, leading them to cling to a relationship, even a bad one, rather than face the perceived emptiness of solitude.
11. They mistake intensity for connection.
Source: Unsplash The early stages of a relationship are often marked by intense emotions and infatuation. This can be mistaken for a deep connection, even if the relationship lacks substance or compatibility. When the initial intensity fades, they might feel bored or disillusioned, and start looking for a new relationship to recapture that initial high.
12. They have a fear of missing out (FOMO).
Social media and pop culture often portray relationships as glamorous and exciting. This can create a fear of missing out on the perceived fun and adventure of the dating scene. The stability and commitment of a healthy relationship might feel restrictive or limiting, especially for those who crave novelty and variety.
13. They’re not ready for a serious commitment.
Source: Unsplash Some people simply aren’t ready to settle down and prioritise a long-term relationship. They might enjoy the freedom and flexibility of casual dating, or prefer to focus on their career or personal goals. The responsibilities and compromises of a healthy relationship might feel overwhelming or stifling.
14. They have unrealistic expectations.
Source: Unsplash Romantic comedies and fairy tales can create unrealistic expectations about love and relationships. Some people might be searching for a ‘perfect’ partner or a ‘happily ever after’ that doesn’t exist. The reality of a healthy relationship, with its ups and downs, might feel disappointing or mundane in comparison to their idealised fantasies.
15. They haven’t learned to love themselves.
Source: Unsplash Perhaps the most fundamental reason why some people struggle with healthy relationships is a lack of self-love. If you don’t value and respect yourself, it’s difficult to attract and maintain a healthy partnership. Learning to love and accept yourself, flaws and all, is a crucial step towards building fulfilling and lasting connections with other people.
