It’s easy to say “forgive and forget,” but actually doing it is a whole different ball game.
If you’re struggling to let go of hurt, resentment, or anger, you’re not alone. There can be a lot of reasons why forgiveness feels out of reach. You don’t have to judge yourself or force yourself to feel something you don’t. However, it’s good to understand why it’s difficult and look for ways to move forward, whether that’s through forgiveness or finding another path to healing.
1. The pain is still too raw.
Sometimes, the wound is just too fresh. The hurt, betrayal, or disappointment is still stinging, and the thought of forgiving feels like rubbing salt in it. That’s okay. Healing takes time, and forgiveness shouldn’t be rushed. Give yourself permission to grieve, to feel the pain, and to process what happened. Forgiveness might come later, but right now, it’s okay to just focus on healing.
2. The betrayal was a dealbreaker.
Some actions are simply unforgivable, and that’s okay. If someone has crossed a line that you can’t unsee, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person for not forgiving them. Sometimes broken pieces just can’t be put back together. In these cases, forgiveness might not be the right path. It’s important to honour your own feelings and set boundaries that protect yourself.
3. You’re not ready to let go of the anger.
Anger can be a powerful emotion, and sometimes it feels good to hold onto it. It can feel like a shield, protecting you from further hurt. But anger can also be destructive, eating away at you from the inside. If you’re not ready to let go of the anger, that’s okay. But be mindful of how it’s affecting you. Explore healthy ways to express and process your anger, like talking to a therapist, journaling, or exercising.
4. You feel like they haven’t truly apologised.
A genuine apology can go a long way in the healing process. However, if you feel like the person hasn’t truly owned up to their actions or shown remorse, it’s hard to forgive. It’s like a half-hearted apology – it doesn’t feel sincere or meaningful. If this is the case, it’s okay to communicate your feelings to the person. Let them know what you need to hear from them in order to move forward. It’s possible they might not be ready or willing to give you the apology you deserve, and that’s okay too. You can still choose to forgive for your own sake, but it’s important to acknowledge the lack of closure.
5. You’re afraid forgiveness means forgetting.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning the behaviour or pretending it never happened. It’s about releasing the negative emotions associated with the event, not erasing the memory of it. The wound might be gone, but the scar remains as a reminder of what happened. You can forgive someone and still choose not to have them in your life. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, not the other person. It’s about freeing yourself from the burden of anger and resentment, not letting the offender off the hook.
6. You’re afraid forgiveness means weakness.
Forgiveness is often seen as a sign of weakness, but it actually takes a lot of strength to forgive. It’s about choosing to let go of anger and resentment, even when it feels justified. Choosing to put down a heavy burden takes effort and courage. Remember, forgiveness is not about condoning the behaviour, it’s about freeing yourself from its grip. It’s a way of reclaiming your power and choosing to focus on yourself.
7. You’re afraid of being hurt again.
If you’ve been hurt in the past, it’s natural to be wary of opening yourself up to the possibility of being hurt again. Forgiveness can feel like lowering your guard and making yourself vulnerable. But resentment can also be harmful, keeping you stuck in the past and preventing you from moving on. Building a wall around your heart might protect you from pain, but it also keeps out love and joy. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to trust the person again, but it can help you to heal and open yourself up to the possibility of new relationships and experiences.
8. You’re struggling with your own guilt or shame.
Sometimes, the reason we can’t forgive people is because we haven’t forgiven ourselves. If you’re carrying around guilt or shame from your own past actions, it can be hard to give anyone else any grace. It’s like trying to give away something you don’t have – you can’t offer forgiveness if you haven’t experienced it yourself. If this is the case, it’s important to focus on self-compassion and healing your own wounds. Talk to a friend or even a therapist, and practice self-forgiveness. Once you’ve learned to forgive yourself, it will be easier to extend forgiveness to other people.
9. You feel like you’re letting them off the hook.
Sometimes, we withhold forgiveness because we feel like the person doesn’t deserve it. We want them to suffer, to feel the pain they caused us. But carrying that around only hurts you in the end. Forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing their behaviour or letting them off the hook. It simply means choosing to release the negative emotions and move on. It’s about taking back your power and not letting their actions continue to control you.
10. You’re waiting for a sign or a change in their behaviour.
It’s tempting to wait for the other person to make amends or change their ways before we forgive them. But forgiveness isn’t a reward for good behaviour, it’s a choice you make for your own sake. It’s like waiting for the rain to stop before you go outside – sometimes, you just have to grab an umbrella and make the best of it. Forgiveness doesn’t depend on the other person’s actions, it’s a gift you give yourself. It’s about releasing the burden of resentment and choosing to move on, regardless of whether the other person has changed or not.
11. You’re holding on to a sense of justice.
It’s natural to want justice when we’ve been wronged. We want the person to be held accountable for their actions and to suffer the consequences. But sometimes, justice isn’t served, and that can be incredibly frustrating. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you’re giving up on justice, it simply means you’re not letting the lack of it control your life. It’s about recognising that you can’t control the other person’s actions, but you can control your own reaction to them. Forgiveness is about choosing peace over vengeance, healing over hurt.
12. You’re afraid of what forgiveness might mean for the relationship.
Source: Unsplash If the person who hurt you is someone close to you, forgiveness can be complicated. You might worry that forgiving them means going back to the way things were, or that it will give them permission to hurt you again. But forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to forget what happened or pretend it never happened. It simply means releasing the negative emotions and choosing to move forward. It’s about creating a new chapter in the relationship, one that’s based on honesty, trust, and understanding. Forgiveness can actually strengthen relationships by allowing for healing and growth.
13. You have unrealistic expectations of forgiveness.
Source: Unsplash Forgiveness is often portrayed as a magical solution to all problems. But it’s not a quick fix, and it doesn’t always result in a happy ending. Sometimes, forgiveness is just the beginning of a long process of healing and rebuilding trust. It’s important to have realistic expectations of what forgiveness can and cannot do. It’s not about forgetting or condoning, it’s about releasing the burden of resentment and choosing to move on. It’s a personal journey, and it takes time, effort, and a willingness to face difficult emotions.
14. You’re simply not ready.
Source: Unsplash There’s no timeline for forgiveness. It’s a personal process, and it happens at its own pace. If you’re not ready to forgive, that’s okay. Don’t feel pressured to rush into it or pretend to feel something you don’t. Be patient with yourself, and trust that you’ll get there when the time is right. In the meantime, focus on taking care of yourself and healing from the hurt. Don’t hesitate to ask for the support you need. Remember, forgiveness is a journey, not a destination.
15. You need to get professional help.
Source: Unsplash Sometimes, the hurt is too deep to handle on our own. If you’re struggling to forgive, or if the pain is affecting your daily life, don’t hesitate to talk to the professionals. A therapist can provide a safe space for you to explore your emotions and develop coping strategies. They can also help you to understand the root of your resentment and guide you towards forgiveness, if that’s what you ultimately want.
