It’s naturally (and really nice!) to be proud of your children and the things they accomplish, but your pride can quickly morph into something a bit more unhealthy.
Maybe you’ve caught yourself bragging about their achievements as if they were your own, or you’re constantly offering unsolicited advice even when they haven’t asked for it (and really don’t want it). If any of this sounds familiar, it might be time to own up to some toxic behaviours. Here are some subtle signs that you might be living vicariously through your adult children, and how to reclaim your own life.
1. You feel deflated when your children experience setbacks.
Source: Pexels It’s natural to feel empathy for your children when they face challenges, but if their struggles trigger a disproportionate amount of disappointment or sadness in you, it could be a sign that you’re overly invested in their success. Remember, they are individuals with their own paths to forge, and setbacks are a natural part of life. Allow them to experience their own journey without taking it on as your own.
2. You constantly brag about their accomplishments to anyone who will listen.
Sure, it’s great to be proud of your children, but if you find yourself dominating conversations with stories of their achievements, it might be a sign that you’re looking for validation and recognition through them. Remember, their successes are theirs to celebrate, and your own self-worth should not be tied to their accomplishments.
3. You offer unsolicited advice and opinions, even when they haven’t asked for it.
Adult children are capable of making their own decisions and learning from their own mistakes. While your intentions might be good, constantly offering unsolicited advice can come across as controlling and disrespectful. Trust in their abilities and let them navigate their own lives, offering support and guidance only when it’s genuinely requested.
4. You feel a sense of emptiness or lack of purpose when your children are busy with their own lives.
If your sense of self and fulfilment is solely tied to your role as a parent, it can lead to feelings of emptiness and loneliness when your children become independent. Remember, you have your own life to lead, with unique interests, passions, and goals. Rediscover what brings you joy and fulfilment outside of your role as a parent.
5. You push your children to pursue careers or lifestyles that reflect your own unfulfilled dreams.
Perhaps you always dreamed of being a doctor, but life took you in a different direction. It’s natural to want your children to have opportunities you didn’t, but it’s important to respect their individual aspirations and dreams. Pushing them to follow a path that isn’t their own can lead to resentment and unhappiness for both of you.
6. You get overly involved in their relationships, friendships, or social lives.
It’s natural to want the best for your children, but you have to respect their privacy and allow them to navigate their own relationships. Trying to control their social circles, meddling in their romantic relationships, or offering unsolicited opinions about their friends can be overbearing and create unnecessary tension.
7. You try to live out your own fantasies or unfulfilled desires through your children’s lives.
Maybe you always wanted to be a star athlete, but it never panned out. Now, you’re pushing your child to excel in sports, even if they don’t share your passion. Remember, your children are not extensions of yourself. Allow them to discover their own interests and passions, without projecting your own unfulfilled dreams onto them.
8. You feel competitive with your children’s friends or partners.
Source: Unsplash It’s natural to want your children to choose partners and friends who are good for them, but if you find yourself feeling jealous or competitive with those relationships, it could be a sign that you’re not respecting their autonomy. Remember, your role is to be a supportive parent, not a rival.
9. You feel personally responsible for their failures or mistakes.
It’s natural to want to protect your children from pain and disappointment, but ultimately, they need to learn from their own experiences. If you feel personally responsible for their failures or mistakes, it can create an unhealthy dynamic where they rely on you to fix their problems instead of taking ownership of their own actions.
10. You define yourself solely through your role as a parent.
Parenthood is a significant part of life, but it’s not the only defining aspect of your identity. If you’ve neglected your own interests, passions, and friendships in favour of focusing solely on your children’s lives, it might be time to rediscover your own individuality. Remember, you have your own unique story to write, independent of your children’s journeys.
11. You experience jealousy or resentment towards your children’s success or happiness.
Source: Unsplash While it might seem counterintuitive, some parents struggle with feelings of jealousy or resentment when their children achieve things they never did or experience happiness that seems out of reach. These emotions can be complex and difficult to acknowledge, but it’s important to address them in a healthy way. Consider getting support from a therapist or counsellor to explore these feelings and work towards a more positive mindset.
12. You try to control their choices even though they’re adults.
Even though your children are grown, you might still feel the urge to control their decisions, whether it’s their career choices, their partners, or their lifestyle choices. This can be a hard habit to break, especially if you’ve always been a protective parent. However, it’s important to respect their autonomy and allow them to make their own choices, even if you disagree with them.
13. You feel threatened by their independence or success.
As your children grow and become more independent, it’s natural to feel a sense of loss or even a fear of being replaced. However, if you actively try to undermine their independence or feel threatened by their success, it can be harmful to your relationship. Embrace their growth and celebrate their achievements, while also focusing on your own personal growth and development.
14. You compare their achievements to your own at a similar age.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing your children’s milestones to your own at their age. However, this can be an unfair and unrealistic comparison, as each generation faces different challenges and opportunities. Instead of focusing on the past, celebrate their unique journeys and encourage them to create their own paths to success.
15. You constantly want their attention and approval.
A healthy parent-child relationship involves mutual love and support, but it shouldn’t be based on a constant need for validation. If you find yourselg looking for your children’s approval for every decision you make or feeling hurt when they don’t prioritise you, it might be a sign that you’re overly dependent on their validation. Cultivate your own interests and relationships to create a fulfilling life outside of your role as a parent.
