When someone says or does something to set you off, your first response is likely to lash out at them (and hey, no one would blame you).
However, that’s not exactly the smart (or kind… or professional) thing to do. For starters, the person might not even realise that they’ve done anything to upset you, and it could have been completely unintentional. And even if it wasn’t, you don’t want to show yourself up by reacting badly. Here’s how to deal with this situation instead.
1. Take a deep breath before saying anything.
When you feel that flash of anger, take a second to pause. Seriously, just breathe. Even a quick five-second pause can stop you from saying something you’ll regret. It’s about giving yourself a moment to collect your thoughts instead of blurting out the first thing that comes to mind. Try something simple like, “Hold on, let me think about that for a second.”
2. Ask for clarification.
Before jumping to conclusions, ask questions to make sure you understood things right. Half the time, what we think happened isn’t even what the other person meant. A simple, “Can you explain what you meant by that?” can turn a heated moment into a constructive conversation.
3. Tell them how you feel without blaming.
Instead of going on the attack, use “I” statements to express how you feel. Something like, “When you said that, I felt hurt,” helps the other person see your side without getting defensive. It’s way more productive than starting with, “You always…” which just invites an argument.
4. Set a boundary.
If someone’s behaviour is a repeat offender for you, it’s time to set a boundary. Calmly let them know, “I’m not comfortable with that, can we avoid it in the future?” You’re not being rude; you’re just protecting your peace.
5. Step away if you need to cool off.
If you’re too heated to think clearly, take a break. There’s nothing wrong with saying, “I need a minute to cool down, let’s continue this in a bit.” It’s better to walk away for a moment than to say something you can’t take back.
6. Lighten the mood with a bit of humour.
If it feels right, a little humour can defuse tension. Just keep it light and avoid sarcasm. Something like, “Well, that escalated quickly, huh?” can help both of you take a step back and breathe. Sometimes laughing for a minute can immediately make you feel better.
7. Try to understand their perspective.
Even if you’re upset, recognising where the other person is coming from can calm things down. You could say, “I see why you might feel that way, but here’s my take.” Acknowledging their view shows you’re open to talking, not just fighting.
8. Change the subject if things are getting too heated.
If things are spiralling, shift gears. Bringing up something totally unrelated like, “Hey, did you see that new movie?” can help both of you calm down and avoid things getting worse. You don’t need to keep harping on when you’re already irritated.
9. Have a go-to phrase handy for tough moments.
When you’re caught off guard and need time to think, use a pre-planned line. Something like, “That’s an interesting point, I’ll need to mull it over,” buys you time and keeps things cool.
10. Try to find common ground.
Even when you’re in the middle of a disagreement, try to find something you both agree on. Saying, “We both want a good outcome here,” can help remind you that you’re on the same team. If this is someone you usually get along with, don’t ruin the relationship over one minor misunderstanding.
11. Take responsibility for your reaction.
Sometimes it’s about owning up to your own triggers. Saying, “I know I’m extra sensitive about this topic,” can take the pressure off the other person and help you reflect on your own reaction.
12. Look for a compromise.
If the problem is about a disagreement, offer a middle-ground solution. “Maybe we can find a way that works for both of us,” shows you’re looking to resolve things, not just win the argument. You can meet each other halfway and resolve things without one person having to be right.
13. Show empathy, even when it’s hard.
Try to see things from their side. A simple, “I can tell this is really important to you, can you explain why?” opens up dialogue and shows that you’re trying to understand.
14. Ground yourself if you’re overwhelmed.
If you’re feeling emotionally flooded, take a moment to focus on something physical, like how your feet feel on the ground or how your clothes feel against your skin. It helps you stay present and keep your emotions in check.
15. Talk about it later if things are too overwhelming.
If it’s too intense, suggest taking a break and returning to the conversation later. A line like, “I’m too upset to talk this through right now, can we revisit it tomorrow?” gives you both time to cool off.
16. Thank them for sharing their thoughts.
Source: Unsplash Even if the conversation is tough, acknowledging the other person’s effort can go a long way. Saying, “Thanks for being honest with me about this,” can defuse tension and keep things open for further discussion.
