As our children grow up, we hope to maintain a close bond with them.
We desperately want to hear about their triumphs, struggles, and everything in between. Yet, sometimes, we find ourselves on the receiving end of silence or vague answers. If you’re wondering why your adult children aren’t sharing their lives with you, here are some possibilities.
1. They fear your judgment.
Perhaps you’ve been critical or disapproving of their choices in the past. This can make them hesitant to share their lives with you, fearing you might not approve or understand. It’s important to create a safe and non-judgmental space where they feel comfortable expressing themselves without fear of criticism.
2. You offer unsolicited advice.
Sometimes, our eagerness to help can backfire. If you tend to offer advice before your children have even finished talking, it can make them feel like you’re not truly listening. They might want to vent or simply share their thoughts without being told what to do. Offering support and a listening ear without immediately jumping to solutions can go a long way in building trust and openness.
3. You overshare about your own life.
While sharing your own experiences can be helpful, dominating the conversation with your own stories can leave little room for your children to share theirs. It’s important to strike a balance between sharing and listening. Showing genuine interest in their lives and creating space for them to talk can encourage them to open up more.
4. You invalidate their feelings.
Dismissing your children’s feelings or telling them they’re overreacting can be a major communication barrier. If they feel like you don’t take their emotions seriously, they might stop sharing them altogether. Validating their feelings and showing empathy, even if you don’t fully understand, can create a deeper connection and encourage open communication.
5. You’re not genuinely interested in their lives.
Let’s be honest, sometimes we get caught up in our own lives and forget to show genuine interest in our children’s. If you only ask superficial questions or seem distracted when they talk, they might sense your lack of engagement. Actively listening, asking thoughtful questions, and showing genuine curiosity can go a long way in making them feel heard and valued.
6. You gossip or share their personal business with other people.
If your children have caught you gossiping about them or telling private things to other family members or your friends, it can severely damage their trust in you. Respecting their privacy and confidentiality is crucial for building a healthy relationship. Reassure them that you can be trusted with their secrets and that you won’t share their information without their permission.
7. You compare them to their siblings, cousins, or even your friends’ children.
Comparing your children to their siblings, friends, or even yourself can be incredibly hurtful. It sends the message that they’re not good enough as they are and that they need to meet your standards. Celebrating their unique strengths and accomplishments, without comparing them to other people, can help create and maintain a more positive and supportive relationship.
8. They have different values or lifestyles.
As your children grow older, they might develop different values or lifestyles than you. This can sometimes create a communication gap, especially if you’re not open to accepting their differences. Respecting their choices, even if you don’t agree with them, can create a space where they feel comfortable sharing their lives with you, without fear of judgment or disapproval.
9. They’re fiercely independent and self-sufficient.
Growing up poor often means having to rely on oneself. This can encourage a strong sense of independence and self-sufficiency. Your adult children might be used to solving problems on their own and may not feel comfortable asking for help, even from you. It’s important to respect their independence, while also letting them know that you’re there for them if they need you.
10. They’re sensitive to financial disparities.
Having experienced financial hardship can make one sensitive to economic inequality. Your adult children might feel uncomfortable talking about their financial successes or struggles with you, especially if they perceive a significant difference in your financial situations. It’s important to be mindful of this sensitivity and avoid making comparisons or judgments.
11. They feel the need to protect you from their problems.
Children who grew up poor often feel a strong sense of responsibility towards their parents. They might not want to burden you with their problems or worries, believing that you have enough to deal with already. Reassure them that you’re strong enough to handle their troubles and that you want to be there for them, both in good times and bad.
12. They have different communication styles.
Source: Unsplash Growing up in different environments can shape communication styles. Your children might not express their emotions or share information in the same way that you do. This can lead to misunderstandings and misinterpretations. Try to be patient and understanding, and learn to communicate in ways that resonate with them.
13. They’re busy with their own lives and responsibilities.
Adult children often have busy lives filled with work, relationships, and other commitments. They might not have as much time or energy to communicate with you as they used to. This doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t care; it just means they have a lot on their plates. Try to be understanding and flexible, and find ways to connect with them that fit into their busy schedules.
14. They want to establish their own identity and independence.
As young adults, your children are in the process of establishing their own identities and independence. They might not want to share every detail of their lives with you because they feel like it’s their own private domain. Respecting their need for autonomy and giving them space can help them feel more comfortable sharing with you on their own terms.
15. They fear your emotional reactions.
If you tend to be overly emotional or dramatic in your reactions, your children might be hesitant to share things with you for fear of upsetting you. If you want them to open up, try to remain calm and supportive, even when you hear things you don’t like. Remember, your goal is to be a safe haven for them, not a source of stress.
16. They’re simply private people.
Some people are naturally more private than others. Your children might simply not be comfortable sharing every detail of their lives with anyone, including you. This doesn’t mean they don’t love or appreciate you; it’s just their personality. Respecting their privacy and showing them that you love them unconditionally can go a long way in building a strong and lasting relationship.
