Marriage is a big deal, but there’s a lot of rubbish floating around about what makes these partnerships work long-term.
From rom-coms to well-meaning but misguided advice from Great Aunt Mildred, we’re bombarded with ideas about marriage that aren’t always true. In fact, some are downright harmful and could have you headed for divorce soon after saying “I do.” If you want to keep your marriage strong, stop believing these lies.
1. A good marriage means never arguing.
If you think a rock-solid marriage is one where you never have a cross word, you’re in for a shock. The idea that happy couples don’t argue is pure hogwash. Every relationship has its ups and downs, and disagreements are as natural as rain in Manchester. What matters is how you handle those arguments. Healthy couples know how to disagree respectfully, listen to each other’s perspectives, and work towards a resolution. Sweeping issues under the rug or pretending everything’s always rosy is more likely to lead to resentment than marital bliss.
2. Your spouse should be your everything.
The notion that your partner should fulfil every role in your life — best friend, lover, therapist, career advisor, and more — is a recipe for disaster. It’s too much pressure for one person to bear, and it’s not healthy for either of you. Your spouse is your partner, not your entire world. Maintaining friendships, pursuing individual interests, and having a support network outside your marriage is so important. It allows you both to grow as individuals, which in turn strengthens your relationship.
3. Marriage will fix your relationship problems.
If you think walking down the aisle will magically solve all your relationship woes, think again. Marriage isn’t a cure-all for existing issues. In fact, the added pressures of married life can often exacerbate problems that were simmering beneath the surface during dating. Any issues you have before marriage — communication problems, financial disagreements, or differences in life goals — will still be there after you say “I do”. It’s far better to address these problems head-on before you tie the knot. Marriage should be about building on a solid foundation, not trying to patch up a crumbling one.
4. You should never go to bed angry.
We’ve all heard this chestnut before, haven’t we? The idea that every argument needs to be resolved before bedtime sounds lovely in theory, but it’s not always practical or even beneficial. Sometimes, when emotions are running high, the best thing you can do is take a breather and sleep on it. A good night’s kip can provide perspective and calm that might be impossible in the heat of the moment. Forcing a resolution when you’re both knackered and wound up can lead to saying things you don’t mean or agreeing to something you’ll regret in the morning. It’s okay to press pause on a disagreement and come back to it with fresh eyes and a clear head.
5. Marriage means the romance is over.
The idea that marriage is where romance goes to die is a load of old cobblers. Sure, the honeymoon phase doesn’t last forever, but that doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed to become a passion-free zone. Long-term love can be just as exciting and romantic as those early dating days, but it requires effort and creativity from both partners. Romance in marriage isn’t about grand gestures or constant butterflies; it’s about consistently choosing to prioritise your connection. It might look different — maybe it’s bringing your spouse a cuppa in bed or planning a surprise date night — but it can be just as meaningful, if not more so, than those early romantic gestures.
6. Your intimate life will inevitably decline.
The belief that marriage spells the end of a satisfying intimate life is another myth that needs binning. While it’s true that the frequency and nature of things might change over time, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. A long-term committed relationship can actually lead to a more fulfilling level of intimacy as you become more comfortable with each other and learn what makes each other tick.
7. Married couples should share everything.
While sharing is indeed a big part of marriage, the idea that you need to share every aspect of your lives is a bit daft. It’s healthy and normal for each partner to maintain some level of independence and privacy. This could mean having separate bank accounts alongside a joint one, maintaining some separate friendships, or simply having some alone time to pursue individual hobbies. Sharing everything doesn’t equal trust or intimacy; respecting each other’s boundaries and individuality does.
8. If you’re truly in love, marriage should be easy.
This is perhaps one of the most damaging myths about marriage. The idea that true love conquers all and a good marriage should be effortless is pure fantasy. Every marriage, no matter how strong, requires work, compromise, and ongoing effort from both partners. There will be challenges, disagreements, and times when you might not even like each other very much. But it’s working through these difficulties together that strengthens your bond.
9. You should never change for your spouse.
The notion that changing for your partner is always a bad thing is a bit of tosh. While you shouldn’t fundamentally alter who you are, being in a marriage often involves personal growth and compromise. Sometimes, this means making changes — perhaps you’re learning to be more punctual because it matters to your spouse, or you’re working on expressing your emotions more openly. These kinds of changes aren’t about losing yourself; they’re about evolving together.
10. Your spouse should be able to read your mind.
If you’re waiting for your partner to magically know what you’re thinking or feeling, you might be waiting a long time. The idea that true love means your spouse should automatically understand your needs without you expressing them is pure fantasy. Even in the closest of relationships, clear communication is non-negotiable. Your partner isn’t a mind reader, and expecting them to be one is setting your marriage up for disappointment and misunderstandings. It’s your responsibility to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs clearly and honestly.
11. Children will bring you closer together.
While having children can be a wonderful experience, the belief that kids will automatically strengthen your marriage is a bit of a fairy tale. The reality is that children often put additional strain on a relationship, especially in the early years. Sleepless nights, new responsibilities, and less time for each other can create tension even in the strongest marriages. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have children, but it’s important to go into parenthood with realistic expectations.
12. Financial problems are the biggest threat to a marriage.
While money troubles can certainly cause stress in a marriage, they’re not necessarily the biggest threat. The real issue often isn’t the financial problem itself, but how couples communicate about and handle these challenges. A couple with open communication and a team mentality can weather financial storms together, while a wealthy couple with poor communication might still struggle.
13. You should never go to sleep in separate beds.
Source: Unsplash The idea that sleeping in separate beds spells doom for your marriage is outdated nonsense. For some couples, sleeping separately can actually improve their relationship and intimacy. Different sleep schedules, snoring, or simply preferring different sleeping conditions doesn’t mean your marriage is on the rocks. What matters is that you’re both getting the rest you need and still making time for intimacy and connection. If separate beds work for you, there’s no need to feel guilty about it. The strength of your marriage isn’t measured by how many hours you spend unconscious in the same bed, but by how you treat each other when you’re awake.
14. Marriage means you’ll never feel lonely.
Source: Unsplash The expectation that marriage will banish all feelings of loneliness is a bit of a tall order. Even in the happiest of marriages, it’s normal and human to sometimes feel lonely or disconnected. These feelings don’t mean your marriage is failing; they’re often a sign that you need to reconnect with your partner or perhaps with yourself. Loneliness can stem from lack of communication, unmet needs, or even from neglecting your own personal growth. Remember, your spouse can be your closest companion, but they can’t fulfil every social and emotional need you have. Maintaining friendships and personal interests outside your marriage is vital for a balanced, fulfilling life.
15. You should always put your spouse first, no matter what.
Source: Unsplash While prioritising your marriage is important, the belief that your spouse should always come first, no matter the circumstances, isn’t always healthy. There are times when other responsibilities might need to take precedence — caring for a sick child or elderly parent, for instance. A strong marriage allows for this flexibility, understanding that sometimes other needs might be more urgent. The key is balance and communication.
16. A good marriage doesn’t require outside help.
Source: Unsplash The stigma around counselling for your marriage is thankfully becoming less common, but it still persists. The idea that a strong couple should be able to solve all their problems on their own is rubbish. Getting help, whether through counselling, workshops, or even self-help books, isn’t a sign of weakness — it’s a sign of commitment to your relationship.
