Parenting requires balance, patience, and a whole lot of improvisation.
However, no parent gets it right 100% of the time, and sometimes words slip out that leave a lasting impact on their kids’ ears. These things, often uttered without much thought, can unintentionally shape a child’s self-esteem, outlook on life, and relationship with their parents. To avoid doing lasting damage, do your very best to avoid ever saying any of these things.
1. “I’m so disappointed in you.”
This might seem like a way to express disapproval, but it can deeply wound a child’s self-worth. It focuses on their perceived failure rather than the specific behaviour, leaving them feeling worthless and unloved. A more constructive approach would be to address the specific action that caused disappointment and offer guidance on how to improve, reinforcing the message that you believe in their ability to learn and grow.
2. “Why can’t you be more like [sibling/friend/neighbour]?”
Comparing one child to any other is all but guaranteed to cause resentment and insecurity. Each child is unique, with their own strengths and weaknesses. Comparing them to someone else makes them feel inadequate and unappreciated for who they are. Instead of focusing on comparisons, celebrate their individual talents and encourage them to be the best version of themselves.
3. “I wish I never had kids.”
Even if said in jest or during a moment of frustration, this can leave a lasting scar on a child’s heart. It makes them feel like a burden, unwanted, and responsible for their parent’s unhappiness. Instead of venting your frustrations in this way, talk to other adults or engage in self-care activities to manage your stress. Remember, your words have the power to shape a child’s sense of self-worth and belonging.
4. “I’m too busy for you right now.”
While everyone has busy days, consistently dismissing a child’s need for attention and connection can make them feel unimportant and unloved. Children crave quality time with their parents, even if it’s just a few minutes of undivided attention. Make an effort to strengthen your connection, schedule dedicated time together, and be present when your child needs you. Even small gestures of love and attention can go a long way in building a strong and healthy relationship.
5. “Do as I say, not as I do.”
Children learn by observing their parents’ behaviour. If your actions don’t align with your words, your child will be confused and unlikely to follow your advice. Instead of expecting them to blindly obey, lead by example. Demonstrate the values and behaviours you want them to adopt. Be honest about your own struggles and shortcomings, showing them that it’s okay to make mistakes and learn from them.
6. “You’re so [negative adjective].”
Labelling a child with negative adjectives like “lazy,” “stupid,” or “selfish” can have a devastating impact on their self-esteem. These labels can become self-fulfilling prophecies, causing them to internalise these negative beliefs and act accordingly. Instead of focusing on negative labels, focus on specific behaviours and offer constructive feedback. Help them understand the impact of their actions and encourage them to develop positive traits.
7. “I don’t care.”
Source: Unsplash When a child expresses their feelings, thoughts, or concerns, dismissing them with “I don’t care” can be incredibly hurtful. It invalidates their emotions and makes them feel unimportant. Instead of brushing them off, take the time to listen to what they have to say. Acknowledge their feelings, validate their experiences, and offer support and guidance. Show them that you care about their well-being and that you’re there for them, no matter what.
8. “Leave me alone!”
While everyone needs a break from time to time, consistently pushing a child away can make them feel unwanted and unloved. Children need to feel safe and secure in their parents’ love and attention. Instead of shutting them out, find ways to communicate your need for alone time in a gentle and respectful way. Offer alternative activities they can engage in, or suggest a specific time when you can reconnect and give them your undivided attention.
9. “Because I said so!”
This authoritarian response shuts down communication and leaves no room for explanation or understanding. Children are naturally curious and inquisitive, and they deserve to know the reasons behind rules and decisions. Instead of resorting to words like this, take the time to explain your reasoning in a way that they can understand. Help them see the logic behind your decisions, creating a sense of trust and respect.
10. “You’ll understand when you’re older.”
Source: Unsplash While some concepts might be too complex for young children to grasp, dismissing their questions with this phrase can discourage their curiosity and thirst for knowledge. Instead, try to explain things in a way that’s appropriate for their age and understanding. If a topic is truly beyond their grasp, be honest and explain that you’ll discuss it when they’re older, while still validating their curiosity and desire to learn.
11. “I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed.”
This might seem less harsh than expressing outright anger, but it can be just as hurtful. It implies that the child has failed to meet your expectations and that you’re withdrawing your love and approval as a result. Instead of masking your anger with disappointment, acknowledge your feelings honestly and express them in a healthy and constructive way. Help your child understand the impact of their actions and work together to find solutions.
12. “Big boys/girls don’t cry.”
Emotions are a natural part of the human experience, and it’s important for children to learn healthy ways to express them. Telling a child not to cry invalidates their feelings and teaches them to suppress their emotions, which can lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms and emotional problems later in life. Instead of discouraging them from crying, offer comfort and support, allowing them to express their emotions freely. Help them understand that it’s okay to feel sad, scared, or angry, and teach them healthy ways to cope with these feelings.
13. “I’ll give you something to cry about.”
Saying this is not only threatening, but also incredibly harmful. It suggests that the child’s emotions are invalid and that they should be afraid of expressing them. It can create a sense of fear and insecurity, damaging the parent-child relationship and hindering the child’s emotional development. Instead of resorting to threats, address the underlying issue that’s causing the child’s distress and offer support and guidance.
14. “Stop being so sensitive.”
Sensitivity is not a weakness, but rather a valuable trait that allows children to connect with people and experience the world deeply. Telling a child to stop being sensitive invalidates their feelings and teaches them to suppress their emotions. Instead of dismissing their sensitivity, help them understand and manage their emotions in a healthy way. Teach them coping mechanisms for dealing with overwhelming feelings and help them build resilience.
15. “Just deal with it.”
This dismissiveness can make a child feel alone and unsupported in their struggles. It implies that their problems are insignificant and that they should be able to handle them on their own. Instead of brushing them off, offer empathy and understanding. Help them identify the problem, brainstorm solutions together, and offer guidance and support as they navigate the challenges they face.
16. “You’re lucky I’m your parent.”
This can create a sense of obligation and guilt in a child. It implies that they should be grateful for your parenting, even if it’s not always supportive or loving. Instead of making them feel indebted to you, focus on building a relationship based on mutual respect, love, and understanding. Show them that you value them for who they are, not for what they owe you.
