Raising children is a lifelong journey, and even when they’re grown, maintaining a healthy relationship takes effort (and sometimes a lot of it).
Sometimes, the smallest things can eat away at that bond, replacing it with distance and resentment. It’s not always the big blowouts or dramatic disagreements that cause rifts, but often the little things that many parents would assume are no big deal. Here are some things that can cause the parent/adult child relationship to go very wrong.
1. You won’t stop giving them “helpful” advice.
We all want what’s best for our children, even when they’re grown up. However, constantly offering advice they don’t want and didn’t ask for can make them feel like their judgment isn’t trusted or their autonomy isn’t respected. It can also make them feel like they’re still being treated like children, which can be frustrating for adults who are trying to establish their independence. Instead, try to offer support and guidance only when asked, and be open to hearing their perspective.
2. You measure them against their siblings or other people.
Each child is unique, with their own strengths and weaknesses. Comparing them to their siblings or other people, even with good intentions, can create feelings of inadequacy and resentment. It can also make them feel like they are not valued for who they are, but rather for how they measure up to anyone else. Celebrate their individuality and focus on their unique achievements, rather than constantly comparing them to other peopl.e
3. You criticise their choices (or at least make it clear you don’t approve).
Whether it’s their career path, their partner, or their lifestyle choices, constantly criticising your adult children can create a rift in your relationship. It can make them feel like you don’t approve of them or their decisions, which can lead to defensiveness and resentment. Instead, try to be supportive and understanding, even if you don’t agree with their choices. Offer constructive feedback only when asked, and focus on building trust and respect.
4. You guilt-trip them to get your way.
Guilt is a powerful emotion that can be used to manipulate and control people. If you find yourself using guilt trips to get your adult children to do what you want, it can damage your relationship. It can make them feel resentful and manipulated, and it can destroy their trust in you. Instead, try to communicate openly and honestly, and respect their decisions, even if you don’t agree with them.
5. You don’t respect their boundaries (or even recognise them at times)
As your children grow up, it’s important to respect their boundaries and privacy. This might mean not prying into their personal lives, not dropping by unannounced, or not offering unsolicited advice. Respecting their boundaries shows that you value their independence and autonomy, and it can help to build a stronger, healthier relationship.
6. You try to make them feel indebted to you.
It’s natural to want your children to appreciate the sacrifices you’ve made for them, but making them feel like they owe you can create resentment and strain your relationship. Instead, focus on the joy and fulfilment of raising your children, and express your love and support unconditionally. Let them know that you’re proud of them for who they are, not for what they can do for you.
7. You want to control their lives in whatever ways you can.
As your children become adults, it’s important to let go of the reins and allow them to make their own choices. Trying to control their lives, whether it’s through guilt trips, manipulation, or overbearing advice, can create resentment and distance. Trust them to make their own decisions, even if you don’t agree with them. Remember, they’re adults now, and they need to learn from their own mistakes and experiences.
8. You disregard their feelings.
When your adult children share their feelings or concerns with you, it’s important to validate their emotions and show empathy. Dismissing their feelings or telling them they’re overreacting can make them feel unheard and invalidated. This can lead to them shutting down and not wanting to confide in you in the future. Instead, try to listen actively and show that you care about how they feel.
9. You’re partial to one child over another.
Even if you think you’re being subtle, showing favouritism towards one child can create lasting resentment and damage relationships between siblings. Each child needs to feel equally loved and valued. Make a conscious effort to show each child that you appreciate their unique qualities and contributions, and avoid comparing them to each other.
10. You hold money over their heads.
While it’s natural to want to help your adult children financially, using money as a means of control or manipulation can backfire. It can create a sense of dependency and resentment, and it can damage their self-esteem. Instead, offer financial support with no strings attached, and encourage them to become financially independent.
11. You bring up their past mistakes over and over.
We all make mistakes, and dwelling on the past can only lead to resentment and hurt feelings. If you constantly bring up your adult children’s past mistakes or failures, it can make them feel like they can never live up to your expectations. Focus on the present and the future, and offer forgiveness and support for their growth and development.
12. You don’t communicate your expectations or needs.
Unclear expectations can lead to misunderstandings and disappointment. If you expect certain things from your adult children but never communicate them clearly, it can lead to resentment and conflict. Have open and honest conversations about your expectations, needs, and boundaries, and be willing to compromise and negotiate.
13. You make “jokes” at their expense.
While a bit of playful teasing can be fun, making jokes at your adult children’s expense can be hurtful and damaging. It can make them feel embarrassed, insecure, and unloved. Be mindful of their feelings and avoid making jokes that could be interpreted as hurtful or insulting.
14. You make promises to them that you never end up keeping.
Breaking promises, even small ones, can destroy trust and damage relationships. If you promise to do something for your adult children but consistently fail to follow through, it can make them feel unimportant and undervalued. Be mindful of your commitments and make a conscious effort to keep your word. If you can’t follow through on a promise, be honest and apologetic, and try to make amends.
15. You don’t truly accept their partners or friends.
It’s important to be supportive of your adult children’s relationships, even if you don’t necessarily approve of their choices. Criticising their partners or friends can create a rift in your relationship and make them feel like you don’t trust their judgment. Instead, try to get to know their loved ones and show them respect and kindness.
16. You compare their kids to their siblings’.
If you have grandchildren, avoid comparing them to each other. Each child is unique and should be celebrated for their individual qualities and achievements. Comparing grandchildren can create jealousy and resentment between them, and it can also strain your relationship with your adult children.
