Relationships are all about connection, and that means connecting on an emotional level.
But sometimes, we might find ourselves in a relationship where that emotional connection seems to be missing. It’s like trying to hug a cactus – you want that warmth, but all you get are prickly defences. If you’re feeling a lack of emotional intimacy with your partner, don’t worry, you’re not alone. Here are some signs your partner might be emotionally unavailable and what to do about it.
1. They avoid deep conversations.
It’s not that they don’t like to chat, but when the conversation veers towards feelings, dreams, or anything too personal, they might change the subject or give vague responses. Emotional intimacy involves sharing your inner world with your partner, but if they’re not willing to open up, it can create a sense of distance and disconnection.
What to do: Try initiating conversations about deeper topics in a safe and non-threatening environment. Be patient and understanding, but also express your desire for deeper connection.
2. They struggle to express their own emotions.
Not everyone is a wordsmith when it comes to feelings, but if your partner seems completely shut down emotionally, it can be frustrating. It’s like they’ve built a fortress around their heart, and you’re left wondering what’s going on inside. A healthy relationship involves expressing a full range of emotions, both positive and negative.
What to do: Encourage them to express their emotions in whatever way feels comfortable for them. Let them know you’re there to listen without judgment. You can also suggest activities that might help them open up, like journaling or couples therapy.
3. They dismiss or invalidate your feelings.
When you try to share your emotions, do they brush them off, minimise them, or make you feel like you’re overreacting? This kind of emotional invalidation can be incredibly hurtful and can leave you feeling unheard and unsupported. Your feelings are valid, and a loving partner will listen and validate them, even if they don’t fully understand.
What to do: Clearly communicate how their words make you feel and set boundaries around disrespectful behaviour. If the invalidation continues, consider couples therapy to explore the root of the issue.
4. They avoid physical intimacy.
Emotional and physical intimacy often go hand in hand. If your partner seems distant or avoids physical affection, it could be a sign of deeper emotional issues. Physical touch is a powerful way to connect with someone, and a lack of it can leave you feeling lonely and unloved.
What to do: Initiate physical affection and see how they respond. If they continue to pull away, have an open conversation about your needs for physical intimacy.
5. They’re always busy or unavailable.
Everyone has busy periods, but if your partner consistently prioritises work, hobbies, or friends over spending quality time with you, it can be a red flag. While it’s important to have a life outside of your relationship, neglecting your partner’s need for connection is a recipe for emotional distance.
What to do: Talk to your partner about your needs for quality time and create a schedule that works for both of you. If they continue to be unavailable, it might be time to reassess the relationship.
6. They have difficulty with commitment.
Commitment issues can manifest in different ways, from a fear of labelling the relationship to an unwillingness to make future plans. If your partner seems hesitant to commit or always keeps one foot out the door, it can leave you feeling insecure and unsure about the future of the relationship.
What to do: Have an honest conversation about your expectations for the relationship and where you see it going. If their commitment issues persist, it might be best to move on.
7. They have a history of failed relationships.
While not always a dealbreaker, a pattern of failed relationships might be a sign that your partner has unresolved emotional baggage or struggles with intimacy. It’s important to understand their past experiences and see if they’re willing to work through any lingering issues that might affect your relationship.
What to do: Encourage open communication about their past relationships and how those experiences might be impacting your current dynamic. If they’re unwilling to address their past, it could be a roadblock to deeper emotional connection.
8. They have difficulty saying “I love you.”
Those three little words can be incredibly powerful, but some people find it hard to say them, even if they genuinely feel love. While actions often speak louder than words, a consistent inability to express love verbally can leave you feeling uncertain about their true feelings.
What to do: Don’t pressure them to say it if they’re not ready. Instead, focus on how they show their love through actions and try to appreciate those expressions. If their reluctance to express love verbally continues to bother you, have an honest conversation about it.
9. They prioritise independence over intimacy.
A healthy relationship involves a balance of independence and intimacy. While it’s important for both partners to have their own lives, an emotionally unavailable person might take this to the extreme. They might prioritise their own needs and desires over the need for emotional connection, leaving you feeling like you’re not a priority in their life.
What to do: Have an open conversation about your needs for intimacy and connection. Express how their behaviour makes you feel and see if you can find a middle ground that respects both your independence and your desire for closeness.
10. They keep you at arm’s length.
Do you feel like you’re constantly trying to break down their walls, but never quite getting through? An emotionally unavailable person might create a sense of distance, even when you’re physically close. They might share surface-level information but avoid revealing their true feelings or vulnerabilities, leaving you feeling like you don’t truly know them.
What to do: Be patient and create a safe space for them to open up. Share your own vulnerabilities to show them it’s okay to be open and honest. If they continue to keep you at arm’s length, it might be a sign that they’re not ready or capable of a deeper connection.
11. They deflect or avoid conflict.
Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, but an emotionally unavailable person might avoid it at all costs. They might change the subject, shut down emotionally, or simply walk away. This can make it difficult to resolve issues and can lead to unresolved resentment and frustration.
What to do: Explain the importance of addressing conflicts and finding resolutions together. If they continue to avoid conflict, consider couples therapy to learn healthy communication skills.
12. They struggle to empathise with your feelings.
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. If your partner struggles to put themselves in your shoes and understand your emotions, it can be difficult to connect on a deeper level. This lack of empathy can leave you feeling alone and unsupported in the relationship.
What to do: Help them understand your perspective by sharing your feelings and experiences in a clear and concise way. Encourage them to ask questions and try to see things from your point of view. If their lack of empathy persists, consider whether this is something you can live with in the long run.
13. They have a fear of vulnerability.
Vulnerability is essential for building intimacy, but some people are terrified of opening up and letting people see their true selves. This fear can stem from past hurts or insecurities. If your partner is afraid to be vulnerable, it can create a barrier to emotional connection and make it difficult to build trust.
What to do: Create a safe space for them to open up by being patient, understanding, and non-judgmental. Share your own vulnerabilities to show them it’s okay to be imperfect, and let them know you won’t judge them for theirs.
14. They have difficulty making or keeping promises.
Whether it’s a small promise to call you back or a bigger commitment like moving in together, an emotionally unavailable person might struggle to follow through. This lack of reliability can leave you feeling frustrated and uncertain about the future of the relationship.
What to do: Clearly communicate your expectations and discuss the importance of following through on commitments. If their behaviour doesn’t change, it might be a sign that they’re not ready for a more serious relationship.
15. They have a tendency to blame people for their problems.
Taking responsibility for one’s actions is a sign of emotional maturity. An emotionally unavailable person might blame other people for their problems or refuse to acknowledge their own role in conflicts. This lack of accountability can make it difficult to resolve issues and can lead to a cycle of blame and defensiveness.
What to do: Encourage them to take ownership of their actions and feelings. If they continue to point the finger, consider whether this is a pattern you can tolerate in the long run.
16. You feel lonely, even when you’re together.
Loneliness isn’t just about being physically alone, it’s about feeling emotionally disconnected from the people around you. If you find yourself feeling lonely even when you’re with your partner, it’s a clear sign that something is amiss in the relationship. It’s important to address this feeling and see if there’s a way to bridge the emotional gap between you and your partner.
What to do: Express your feelings of loneliness to your partner and explain what you need from them to feel more connected. If they’re unwilling or unable to meet your needs, it might be time to consider whether this relationship is right for you.
