When you get into a relationship, you do so expecting to have an equal partner by your side.
Sadly, things don’t always work out that way, and you might end up coupled up with someone who’s all but useless when it comes to making your life — and your lives together — easier, happier, or more fulfilling. Here’s how to deal with it, short of breaking up.
1. Make them pull their weight.
Sit down with your partner and create a concrete list of household responsibilities. Assign specific tasks to each person, but take into account each other’s preferences and strengths. Taking a more structured approach leaves less room for ambiguity and can help your partner understand exactly what’s expected of them.
2. Implement a reward system.
While it might feel like you’re dealing with a child, a reward system can be effective for adults too. Set up a chart or app where completed tasks earn points towards a mutually enjoyable activity or treat. This gamification can make chores more appealing and provide positive reinforcement.
3. Outsource what you can.
If you can swing it financially, consider hiring help for certain tasks. A cleaning service, meal delivery, or laundry service can alleviate some of the burden. While it’s not a solution to the underlying issue, it can reduce your stress and resentment in the short term.
4. Set up fool-proof systems.
Source: Unsplash Create systems that make it almost impossible to mess up. Label storage containers clearly, use colour-coded laundry baskets, or set up auto-payments for bills. The easier you make tasks, the more likely they are to get done, even by a less-than-motivated partner.
5. Use technology to your advantage.
Leverage apps and smart home devices to automate reminders and tasks. Set up shared digital calendars, use apps that divide chores, or install smart home devices that can be programmed to handle certain tasks automatically.
6. Teach rather than criticise.
Source: Unsplash If your partner’s uselessness stems from a lack of knowledge or skill, approach the situation as a teaching opportunity. Instead of berating them for not knowing how to do something, offer to show them step-by-step. This approach can build confidence and competence over time.
7. Lead by example.
Sometimes, the best way to inspire change is to model the behaviour you want to see. Tackle your responsibilities efficiently and with a positive attitude. Your partner may start to feel motivated to contribute more when they see the satisfaction you get from a job well done.
8. Practice positive reinforcement.
Source: Unsplash When your partner does contribute, even in small ways, acknowledge and appreciate their efforts. Positive reinforcement can encourage more of the same behaviour. Be specific in your praise to highlight exactly what they did well.
9. Communicate your feelings effectively.
Express your frustrations calmly and clearly, using “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. For example, “I feel overwhelmed when I have to handle all the household chores alone” is more effective than “You never help around the house.” This approach opens the door for constructive dialogue.
10. Set realistic expectations.
Adjust your expectations to be more realistic. While it’s important to have standards, perfectionism can lead to disappointment. Decide what’s truly important and let go of minor issues. A load of laundry done imperfectly is better than not done at all.
11. Create a visual representation of tasks.
Sometimes, seeing is believing. Create a visual chart or board that clearly shows all the tasks that need to be done to keep your household running smoothly. This can help your partner understand the full scope of responsibilities and may motivate them to pitch in more.
12. Establish consequences.
While it’s important to be supportive, it’s also crucial to set boundaries. Establish clear consequences for consistently neglected responsibilities. These could range from taking on an additional chore to losing certain privileges. Ensure these consequences are agreed upon in advance and consistently enforced.
13. Focus on your own growth.
While working on your relationship, don’t neglect your own personal development. Pursue your interests, maintain friendships, and focus on your career. This provides a healthy distraction and ensures you’re not putting your life on hold due to your partner’s shortcomings.
14. Practice mindfulness and self-care.
Dealing with a useless partner can be stressful. Incorporate mindfulness practices and self-care routines into your daily life. This can help manage stress, maintain perspective, and ensure you’re taking care of your own well-being amidst the challenges.
15. Reframe your perspective.
While it’s easy to focus on what your partner doesn’t do, try to appreciate their positive qualities. Perhaps they’re emotionally supportive or great with the children. Recognising their strengths can help balance out the frustration of their shortcomings in other areas.
16. Set personal boundaries.
Establish clear boundaries about what you will and won’t do. It’s okay to say no to taking on additional responsibilities that should be shared. This can help prevent burnout and send a clear message about the need for more equal contribution.
17. Plan for the future.
Consider the long-term implications of your situation. If your partner is unwilling to change despite your efforts, think about what this means for your future together. Sometimes, recognising that a situation is untenable can be the catalyst for significant change, either in your partner’s behaviour or in your life choices.
