Narcissism isn’t always as obvious as you might think — while some traits are well-known, others can be a lot more subtle and easy to miss.
You probably know to be on the lookout for gaslighting and triangulation, but they’re far from the only manipulative tactics narcissists use in life. Understanding these less obvious signs can help you spot narcissistic behaviour in your relationships so that you can hopefully get away from anyone you spot them in as soon as possible.
1. They’re always the hero or victim in their stories.
Narcissists tend to paint themselves in an extreme light in their personal narratives. They’re either the unsung hero who saved the day or the tragic victim of circumstances beyond their control. Unfortunately, their black-and-white thinking leaves little room for nuance or personal responsibility in their stories.
2. They use conversation to dominate, not communicate.
Pay attention to how they engage in conversations. Narcissists often monopolise discussions, steering them towards topics that showcase their knowledge or experiences. They might interrupt frequently or show impatience when other people are speaking, viewing conversation as a platform for self-promotion rather than mutual exchange.
3. They have a pattern of unstable or short-lived relationships.
While not immediately obvious, a history of brief, intense relationships can be a sign of narcissism. They might describe ex-partners as “crazy” or claim they were the ones wronged. They got into this pattern because they’re incapable of maintaining long-term, genuine connections due to their self-centred nature.
4. They’re experts at subtle put-downs.
Narcissists often use backhanded compliments or subtle jabs to undermine people while maintaining a facade of kindness. Their comments are designed to make you feel small or inadequate, which then increases their sense of superiority. It’s a form of emotional manipulation that can be hard to pinpoint initially.
5. They have an excessive need for admiration.
While it’s normal to appreciate recognition, narcissists have an insatiable appetite for admiration. They might fish for compliments, frequently post on social media seeking validation, or become visibly upset when they don’t receive the praise they feel they deserve. Their constant need for external validation can be exhausting for the people around them.
6. They lack empathy but can fake it when it benefits them.
Narcissists struggle with genuine empathy, but they’re often skilled at mimicking it when it serves their interests. They might appear caring and understanding in public or when they want something from you, but their empathy disappears when it’s no longer advantageous to them.
7. They’re always competing, even in non-competitive situations.
For narcissists, life is a constant competition. They might try to one-up your experiences, turn casual activities into contests, or feel threatened by other people’s success. Their competitive nature stems from their deep-seated need to feel like they’re better than everyone else, and can manifest in surprisingly mundane situations.
8. They have a grandiose sense of self-importance.
While obvious boasting is easy to spot, narcissists often display a more subtle sense of superiority. They might name-drop, exaggerate their achievements, or expect special treatment without explicitly demanding it. Their inflated self-image is a core part of their personality, even when it’s not overtly expressed.
9. They struggle with object constancy.
Narcissists often have difficulty maintaining positive feelings about people when they’re not getting what they want from them. This means their opinion of you can shift dramatically based on how well you’re serving their needs at any given moment, leading to confusing and unpredictable relationship dynamics.
10. They use guilt as a tool for manipulation.
Source: Unsplash Guilt-tripping is a favourite tactic of narcissists. They might make exaggerated sacrifices and then hold these over your head, or twist situations to make you feel responsible for their happiness. Such subtle manipulation is designed to keep you indebted to them and maintain their control.
11. They have a sense of entitlement that’s not always obvious.
While blatant demands are easy to spot, narcissists often have a more subtle sense of entitlement. They expect everyone else to cater to their needs without explicitly asking, become disproportionately upset when things don’t go their way, or assume rules don’t apply to them. What’s worse, their entitlement can be masked as confidence or assertiveness.
12. They’re quick to blame other people for their mistakes.
Narcissists struggle with accepting responsibility for their actions. When things go wrong, they’re quick to point fingers at other people or circumstances beyond their control. Their deflection of blame can be subtle, often framed as logical explanations rather than excuses, making it harder to recognise as a narcissistic trait.
13. They use love bombing as a manipulation tactic.
In the early stages of a relationship, narcissists might shower you with attention, affection, and gifts. Their love-bombing is designed to quickly create a strong emotional bond and dependency, and while it may seem romantic at first, it’s often a calculated move to gain control and set unrealistic expectations for the relationship.
14. They have difficulty respecting boundaries.
Source: Unsplash Narcissists often struggle with recognising and respecting other people’s boundaries. They might push for more intimacy than you’re comfortable with, disregard your personal space, or react negatively when you try to establish limits. Their boundary-pushing can be subtle and gradual, making it hard to notice until it becomes a significant issue.
15. They engage in gaslighting behaviour.
Source: Unsplash Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation where the narcissist makes you question your own reality. They might deny saying things you clearly remember, twist facts to suit their narrative, or insist your perceptions are wrong. This behaviour can be incredibly subtle, slowly destroying your confidence in your own judgement.
16. They have a Jekyll and Hyde personality.
Source: Unsplash Narcissists often display drastically different personalities in public and private. They might be charming and agreeable in social settings but become controlling or abusive behind closed doors. It’s a stark contrast that can be confusing and make it hard to reconcile their public image with your personal experiences.
17. They struggle with object permanence in relationships.
Source: Unsplash Narcissists often have difficulty maintaining consistent feelings about people when they’re not physically present. It can manifest as sudden coldness after periods apart, forgetting important details about you, or seeming to restart the relationship each time you meet. The lack of object permanence can make building a stable, long-term relationship challenging.
