Remember when you were a kid and those seemingly harmless phrases your parents uttered would make you cringe? Well, guess what? Some things never change. Even as adults, there are certain things we’d rather not hear from our parents. It’s not that we don’t love them or value their opinions, but sometimes their words can feel a bit outdated or out of touch with our grown-up lives. So, let’s dive into some of those phrases your adult children might secretly wish you’d avoid saying.
1. “When are you going to settle down and have kids?”
This question can feel like a loaded gun, especially for those who are still figuring out their careers, relationships, or simply aren’t ready for parenthood. It can also be hurtful to those who are struggling with fertility issues or have made a conscious choice not to have children. Instead of focusing on societal expectations, try asking about their hopes and dreams for the future, without any pressure or assumptions.
2. “Why aren’t you married yet?”
Marriage isn’t the be-all and end-all for everyone, and this question can make those who are single feel inadequate or like they’re not meeting some arbitrary timeline. It can also be insensitive to those who have experienced heartbreak or are simply happy with their current relationship status. Instead, focus on celebrating their achievements and supporting their choices, regardless of their marital status.
3. “You should really get a better job.”
Everyone has their own path in life, and what might seem like a “better” job to you might not be the right fit for them. This comment can be discouraging and undermine their confidence in their career choices. Instead of judging their profession, try asking about their work with genuine curiosity and offer support and encouragement.
4. “I told you so.”
This phrase is never helpful or constructive. It can make your adult children feel belittled and resentful, even if you were right about something. Instead of rubbing their mistakes in their face, offer a listening ear and help them brainstorm solutions. Remember, we all make mistakes, and it’s important to learn from them without feeling shamed.
5. “You’re too sensitive.”
Invalidating someone’s feelings is never a good idea, and this phrase can be particularly hurtful to those who are naturally more emotional or empathetic. Instead of dismissing their emotions, try to understand where they’re coming from and validate their feelings. Let them know it’s okay to feel what they’re feeling, and offer your support.
6. “When I was your age, I had already…”
Comparing your adult children to yourself at their age isn’t helpful and can make them feel like they’re not measuring up. Every generation faces different challenges and opportunities, and what worked for you might not be relevant to their lives. Instead of dwelling on the past, focus on celebrating their unique journey and offering guidance based on their specific circumstances.
7. “You should really lose some weight/dress differently.”
Source: Unsplash Comments about appearance can be incredibly hurtful and damaging to self-esteem. Even if you’re coming from a place of concern, unsolicited advice about weight or fashion choices can be perceived as criticism and judgement. Focus on celebrating their individuality and respecting their choices, regardless of their size or style.
8. “Why can’t you be more like [sibling/cousin/friend]?”
Comparisons to other people can be incredibly demotivating and create feelings of inadequacy. Instead of pitting them against other people, focus on celebrating their unique strengths and talents. Encourage them to be their best selves, without the pressure of living up to someone else’s standards.
9. “What did you do all day?”
This question, especially when asked with a hint of disapproval, can feel like an interrogation rather than genuine interest. It can also imply that your adult child is wasting their time or not being productive enough. Instead, try asking about specific aspects of their day, like “How was your meeting?” or “Did you do anything fun today?”. This shows genuine interest in their life without making them feel judged or defensive.
10. “You’re spending too much money.”
Money is a sensitive topic for many people, and unsolicited comments about spending habits can be a major source of tension. Unless you’re directly supporting them financially, it’s not your place to judge how they choose to spend their money. Instead, offer to help them create a budget or discuss financial goals if they ask for your input.
11. “You need to be more careful.”
While you might be worried about your adult child’s safety, constantly reminding them to be careful can feel condescending and infantilising. Trust that they’re capable of making their own decisions and handling life’s challenges. Offer support and guidance when needed, but avoid excessive worry or unnecessary warnings.
12. “Why don’t you call/visit more often?”
Adult children have busy lives, and sometimes it’s just not possible to call or visit as often as you’d like. Guilt-tripping them about it won’t make them want to reach out more often. Instead, try to be understanding and flexible with their schedules. Cherish the time you do have together, and let them know you’re always there for them, even if you don’t speak every day.
13. “You should really start thinking about retirement.”
For younger adults, retirement might seem like a distant concept, and this comment can feel like a reminder of their mortality or a nudge towards a more conventional path. Let them enjoy their youth and focus on their current goals and ambitions. Offer advice on financial planning if they ask for it, but avoid pressuring them to conform to your timeline.
14. “Your partner isn’t right for you.”
Even if you have reservations about your child’s partner, it’s important to respect their choices and avoid being overly critical. Expressing disapproval can damage your relationship with your child and create unnecessary tension. Instead, try to get to know their partner better and offer support and guidance without judgement.
15. “Are you sure you want to do that?”
Constantly questioning your adult child’s decisions can destroy their confidence and make them doubt their own judgement. Trust that they’ve thought things through and are capable of making informed choices. Offer your support and guidance, but avoid second-guessing their every move.
16. “You’re not a child anymore.”
This phrase, while technically true, can feel dismissive and invalidating. Even as adults, we all need love, support, and guidance from our parents. Instead of reminding them of their age, focus on treating them with respect and acknowledging their autonomy. Let them know you’re always there for them, no matter what.
17. “You’ll understand when you’re older.”
This phrase can feel condescending and dismissive, as if their current experiences and emotions are somehow less valid than yours. Instead of dismissing their perspective, try to empathise with their feelings and offer guidance based on your own experiences without patronising them. Remember, even though they’re your children, they’re also adults with their own valid perspectives and experiences.
