Admittedly, gaslighting isn’t always easy to spot, especially when it’s happening to you.
It’s not always outright lies and accusations; it’s a much subtler form of manipulation meant to make you second-guess your memory and the way you see the world so that you eventually no longer trust yourself. However, you don’t have to fall for it! Here are some things gaslighters say — if you hear any of them, be on your guard!
1. “You’re just being too sensitive about this.”
Source: Unsplash Having a strong reaction to someone’s behaviour or a particular situation doesn’t make you “too sensitive,” it makes you human. Often times, gaslighters like to pull this one out of the bag when you call them out on something, and they’re trying to get off the hook.
2. “That never happened, you must be imagining things.”
It can absolutely be crazy-making to have someone lie straight to your face and tell you that something you experienced or witnessed with your own eyes didn’t happen when you know right well it did. They’re hoping that if they keep repeating this, you’ll eventually start to believe it. How weak-minded do they think you are?
3. “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”
This is similar to being called too sensitive — they want you to feel like your feelings or reactions are inappropriate and that you’re unstable. No, you’re aware that their words or actions are unacceptable, and you’re not shy about telling them so. They just don’t want to take accountability for that.
4. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
While this might sound like an apology, it’s actually not. It’s a non-apology that puts the blame on you for feeling hurt, rather than on them for their actions. Gaslighters love to make you feel like your feelings are the problem, not their behaviour.
5. “You’re crazy, that’s not how it happened at all.”
This is a more aggressive form of gaslighting. By calling you “crazy”, they’re not just disagreeing with your version of events, but also attacking your mental state. It’s even worse if they do this in front of other people — they’re trying to discredit you and make you look bad to hopefully get anyone who’s around on their side.
6. “I never said that, you must have misunderstood me.”
Obviously, we’re all guilty of taking things the wrong way sometimes, but if a gaslighter has said something that’s very clearly offensive or inappropriate, there’s no other way to interpret it, is there? By claiming that the problem here is your comprehension skills rather than their big mouths, they once again avoid personal responsibility.
7. “You always exaggerate things.”
This is basically another way of telling you that you’re crazy and that you lack the ability to take things at face value. When this happens over and over again (likely because their behaviour is also repetitive), it’s clear that they can’t cope with being called out and are instead blaming you (of course).
8. “I’m only saying this because I care about you.”
Gotta love a bit of manipulation. Gaslighters use this to make you feel like the awful things they say and do are down to affection, not destruction. If they cared about you, their actions would speak for themselves — they wouldn’t have to try to convince you otherwise.
9. “You’re the only one who has a problem with this.”
Gaslighters love to try to pull everyone else into situations as a way to seem like they have plenty of backup, and you have, well, nothing. By making it seem like you’re the only person who thinks they’re behaving inappropriately, they have “proof” that they’re not in the wrong, you are.
10. “I’m sorry you misunderstood my intentions.”
Source: Unsplash Like the non-apology mentioned earlier, this puts the blame on you for misunderstanding, rather than on them for their actions. Because they seem to be apologising on the surface, you may actually start to question whether you got things wrong. I promise you, you didn’t.
11. “You’re just insecure, that’s why you’re upset.”
Again, the gaslighter wants to make it out that the only reason you have a problem with their bad behaviour is that you have Major Issues, not them. This condescending (and frankly false) narrative is absolutely infuriating, and totally untrue.
12. “You have a terrible memory, you never remember things correctly.”
Again, they’re trying to convince you that you have something wrong with your memory and can’t possibly have a clear recollection of what was said and done. It doesn’t matter if you have the memory of an elephant — gaslighters will still try this one on for size unapologetically.
13. “You’re overreacting, just like you always do.”
Source: Unsplash Again, they want you to feel like you never react to things rationally and that you automatically default to extreme emotions. In other words, your reaction isn’t proportionate to what’s happened and because of that, everything you’re saying is invalid (in their eyes).
14. “I was just joking, can’t you take a joke?”
A gaslighting classic! They know they’ve gone too far with something they’ve said, but instead of apologising and addressing the reason they even felt it was okay to say in the first place, they blame it on you for having no sense of humour. Nice try, mate.
15. “You’re the one who’s being abusive by accusing me of this.”
This is a particularly manipulative tactic where the gaslighter flips the script and accuses you of being the abusive one. By doing this, they’re trying to deflect attention from their behaviour and make you feel guilty for speaking up. It’s not going to work!
16. “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t question me like this.”
Again, implying that loving someone means they’re above question or reproach is totally ridiculous. The truth is that if they loved you, they’d want you to tell them directly if they did something hurtful or inappropriate so they could address their behaviour.
17. “You’re too emotional to discuss this rationally.”
By labelling you as too emotional, the gaslighter thinks they can dismiss your concerns without addressing them. They’re implying that your emotions make your arguments invalid, which just isn’t the case. You can have feelings about a topic and still be 100% right in what you’re saying. Emotions don’t suddenly put blinders over your eyes.
18. “I’m not going to have this conversation if you’re going to be like this.”
This is often used to shut down conversations that the gaslighter doesn’t want to have. By threatening to end the discussion, they get to control the situation and avoid addressing the issue. Here’s an idea: Don’t have ANY other conversations with them ever again. That should solve things!
