We all have our moments in relationships where we say things we shouldn’t.
But sometimes, we might be hurting our partners without even realising it. There are certain things you might be saying to your partner that are disrespectful, belittling, and totally inappropriate. Here are some little ways you might be attacking your partner, however unintentionally, that need to stop.
1. You use sarcasm to mask criticism.
Sarcasm can be funny, but it’s often used as a cover for genuine criticism. When you say things like “Nice job remembering our anniversary… three days late”, you’re not just making a joke. You’re expressing disappointment or anger, but in a way that makes it hard for your partner to respond without seeming like they can’t take a joke.
2. You bring up past mistakes during current arguments.
It’s tempting to dredge up old issues when you’re in the heat of an argument. But saying things like “You always do this, just like that time last year…” isn’t fair. It shifts the focus away from the current problem and makes your partner feel like they’re constantly on trial for past mistakes.
3. You use absolutes like “always” and “never”.
Phrases like “You never listen to me” or “You’re always late” are rarely accurate. They’re exaggerations that make your partner feel like they can’t do anything right. These absolutes ignore any times when they have listened or been on time, which can be incredibly frustrating.
4. You dismiss their feelings.
When your partner expresses hurt or disappointment, responding with “You’re being too sensitive” or “It’s not a big deal” invalidates their emotions. It sends the message that their feelings aren’t important to you, which can be deeply hurtful.
5. You use silent treatment as punishment.
Giving your partner the cold shoulder might not seem like a verbal attack, but it’s a form of emotional manipulation. It leaves them feeling anxious and confused, wondering what they’ve done wrong. It’s a passive-aggressive way of expressing anger without actually addressing the issue.
6. You make comparisons to other people.
Saying things like “Why can’t you be more like Sarah’s husband?” is a guaranteed way to make your partner feel inadequate. These comparisons ignore your partner’s unique qualities and can seriously damage their self-esteem.
7. You use threats to get your way.
Threatening to leave or withhold affection if you don’t get what you want is manipulative. Even if you don’t mean it, saying “If you really loved me, you’d do this” puts unfair pressure on your partner and destroys trust in the relationship.
8. You criticise their family or friends.
Your partner’s loved ones are an extension of them. When you constantly criticise these people, it can feel like a personal attack. It puts your partner in an uncomfortable position of having to choose sides or defend people they care about.
9. You use condescending language.
Phrases like “You wouldn’t understand” or “Let me explain this to you slowly” are patronising. They imply that you think your partner is less intelligent or capable than you, which can be incredibly demeaning.
10. You make jokes at their expense.
Teasing can be a fun part of a relationship, but if your jokes consistently target your partner’s insecurities or flaws, it’s not funny anymore. It’s hurtful. If your partner isn’t laughing along, it’s time to reconsider your sense of humour.
11. You interrupt or talk over them.
Constantly cutting your partner off mid-sentence sends the message that you don’t value their thoughts or opinions. It can make them feel unheard and unimportant in the relationship.
12. You use guilt as a weapon.
Saying things like “After all I’ve done for you…” or “I guess I’m just a terrible partner then” is manipulative. It’s a way of making your partner feel guilty for having needs or expressing dissatisfaction, rather than addressing the actual issue at hand.
13. You dismiss their accomplishments.
When your partner shares good news, and you respond with “That’s nice, but…” or immediately change the subject, you’re downplaying their achievements. This can make them feel unsupported and unappreciated in the relationship.
14. You use their insecurities against them.
If you know your partner is self-conscious about something, bringing it up during arguments is a low blow. It’s using intimate knowledge to hurt them, which can cause lasting damage to the trust in your relationship.
15. You make unilateral decisions.
Announcing decisions that affect both of you without consulting your partner first is disrespectful. It shows that you don’t value their input or consider them an equal in the relationship.
16. You use backhanded compliments.
Saying things like “You look nice today… for a change” or “I’m surprised you actually managed to do that” are not genuine compliments. They’re thinly veiled insults that can leave your partner feeling confused and hurt.
17. You play the victim.
Constantly portraying yourself as the wronged party in every disagreement can be exhausting for your partner. It puts them in the position of always being the “bad guy”, even when the issue is mutual.
18. You give the silent treatment.
Refusing to engage in conversation or giving one-word answers when you’re upset is a form of emotional manipulation. It leaves your partner feeling anxious and unsure of how to fix the situation, creating a cycle of frustration and resentment.
