Love should lift you up, make you feel safe, and support your growth.
But sometimes, what looks like love can be a cleverly disguised form of abuse. It’s easy to get swept away by grand gestures and passionate declarations, but it’s important to look beyond the surface and recognise the red flags that can be hiding in plain sight. Here are some seemingly loving behaviours that can actually be signs of danger.
1. They shower you with excessive gifts and attention.
Source: Unsplash At first, it feels like a fairy tale. They lavish you with gifts, compliments, and undivided attention. It’s called love bombing, and it’s a tactic used by abusers to quickly gain your trust and affection. It can feel intoxicating, but it’s a red flag when it feels overwhelming or too good to be true.
2. They isolate you from your friends and family.
Under the guise of wanting to spend all their time with you, they subtly (or not so subtly) discourage you from seeing your loved ones. They might criticise your friends, make you feel guilty for spending time with your family, or even create drama to keep you away from them. This isolation makes you more dependent on them and easier to control.
3. They constantly criticise and belittle you.
Source: Unsplash They disguise their insults as jokes or “constructive criticism,” but their words chip away at your self-esteem. They might make fun of your appearance, your intelligence, or your dreams. This constant negativity is designed to make you feel worthless and dependent on their approval.
4. They control your finances and decisions.
Source: Pexels They might offer to manage your money, “for your own good,” but it’s really about controlling your access to resources. They might also make decisions for you without your input, from what you wear to who you spend time with. This controlling behaviour is about power and dominance, not love.
5. They gaslight you and make you doubt your own reality.
When you confront them about their hurtful behaviour, they deny it, twist your words, or blame you for their actions. They might tell you you’re being too sensitive or that you’re imagining things. This gaslighting can make you question your own sanity and make it harder to leave the relationship.
6. They have extreme mood swings and unpredictable outbursts.
One minute they’re showering you with love, the next they’re angry and accusing. These sudden shifts in mood can leave you feeling like you’re walking on eggshells, never knowing what to expect. This emotional volatility is a form of control, keeping you off balance and unsure of yourself.
7. They pressure you for sex or intimacy when you’re not ready.
Consent is crucial in any healthy relationship. If your partner pressures you for sex or intimacy, even when you’ve said no, it’s a clear sign of disrespect and a disregard for your boundaries. They might use guilt trips, emotional manipulation, or even threats to get what they want.
8. They stalk or monitor your activities.
Source: Unsplash They might check your phone, read your emails, or track your whereabouts without your permission. They might show up unexpectedly at your workplace or home. This obsessive behaviour is a violation of your privacy and a sign of their controlling nature.
9. They apologise profusely but never change their behaviour.
After a hurtful incident, they might shower you with apologies, flowers, or promises to change. But their remorse is short-lived, and soon they’re back to their old patterns. This cycle of abuse, followed by remorse and then a return to abuse, is a hallmark of toxic relationships.
10. They blame you for their problems and misfortunes.
Source: Unsplash Nothing is ever their fault. If they’re struggling at work, it’s because of something you did. If they’re in a bad mood, it’s your responsibility to cheer them up. This blame-shifting is a way of avoiding accountability for their own actions and making you feel responsible for their happiness.
11. They’re overly jealous and possessive.
Source: Unsplash A little jealousy is normal, but when it becomes excessive and controlling, it’s a red flag. They might accuse you of flirting with other people, demand to know your whereabouts at all times, or even try to limit your contact with friends and family. This jealousy stems from insecurity and a desire to control you, not from love.
12. They have a history of abusive relationships.
Source: Unsplash If they’ve been abusive in past relationships, it’s a strong indicator that they’re capable of it again. Don’t fall for the “it was different with them” excuse. Patterns of abuse often repeat themselves, and you deserve to be with someone who has a history of healthy relationships.
13. They make you feel guilty for spending time on yourself.
Source: Unsplash Whether it’s pursuing your hobbies, spending time with friends, or simply taking a moment to relax, they make you feel selfish for prioritising your own needs. They guilt-trip you into feeling like you owe them all of your time and attention. This is a manipulative tactic to keep you focused on them and their needs.
14. They make you feel like you’re always walking on eggshells.
Source: Unsplash You’re constantly worried about saying or doing the wrong thing, afraid of triggering their anger or disapproval. You feel like you have to censor yourself and hide your true feelings to keep the peace. This kind of emotional tiptoeing is not a sign of a healthy relationship.
15. They threaten to hurt themselves if you leave.
Source: Unsplash This is a classic manipulation tactic used by abusers to keep their partners trapped in the relationship. Threatening self-harm is not a sign of love, it’s a sign of emotional blackmail. If they threaten to hurt themselves, get help from a professional or a trusted friend or family member.
16. They tell you that no one else would ever love you.
This is a cruel and manipulative tactic designed to make you feel worthless and dependent on them. It’s a lie, and you deserve to be with someone who appreciates and values you for who you are.
17. They make you feel responsible for their happiness.
Source: Unsplash While it’s natural to want your partner to be happy, it’s not your sole responsibility to make them feel that way. If they constantly put the burden of their happiness on you, it’s a sign of emotional immaturity and a lack of accountability for their own feelings.
18. They pressure you to do things you’re not comfortable with.
Source: Unsplash Whether it’s trying new sexual experiences, engaging in risky behaviour, or compromising your values, they make you feel like you have to do what they want to please them. This is a form of coercion and a sign of disrespect for your boundaries.
19. They dismiss or minimise your feelings and concerns.
Source: Unsplash When you express your feelings or concerns, they brush them off, tell you you’re overreacting, or make you feel like your emotions are invalid. This invalidation can be incredibly damaging and make it difficult to trust your own instincts.
20. You feel trapped and unhappy in the relationship.
Source: Unsplash Ultimately, the most important sign is how you feel. If you feel trapped, unhappy, or unsafe in your relationship, it’s important to trust your gut and get help. Love should never make you feel this way. There are resources available to help you leave an abusive relationship and start healing. You can reach the National Domestic Abuse Helpline 24 hours a day at 0808 2000 247, or the Men’s Advice Line at 0808 8010 327.
