Raising adults who want to be around you is the goal of every parent. However, sometimes, without realising it, our behaviours can push our children away. If you feel like your relationship with your adult children isn’t as close as it used to be, it might be time to reflect on some common toxic behaviours that can damage relationships.
1. You refuse to let go of the past and continue to bring up their childhood mistakes.
We’ve all made silly or embarrassing mistakes as children. If you constantly remind your adult children of their past blunders, it can be hurtful and frustrating for them. It’s important to understand that people grow and change, and holding on to old grievances only creates resentment and distance.
2. You offer unsolicited advice even when they haven’t asked for it.
Even with the best intentions, unsolicited advice can come across as judgmental and condescending. If your adult children want your advice, they’ll ask for it. Respect their autonomy and decision-making abilities by allowing them to navigate their lives independently. Trust that they are capable adults who can make their own choices, even if you don’t always agree with them.
3. You treat them like they’re still children and haven’t matured.
Your children may always be your “babies,” but it’s so important to recognise and respect their growth into adulthood. Talking down to them, making decisions for them, or treating them like they’re incapable of handling their responsibilities can be incredibly demoralising and frustrating. Instead, treat them as the capable and independent adults they are. Acknowledge their accomplishments, show interest in their lives, and offer support without trying to control them.
4. You guilt-trip them to get what you want.
Guilt-tripping is a manipulative tactic that can severely damage relationships. Phrases like “After everything I’ve done for you…” or “If you really loved me, you would…” are not expressions of love, but rather attempts to control and manipulate. If you want something from your adult children, communicate openly and honestly instead of resorting to emotional blackmail.
5. You compare them to their siblings or other people.
Each child is unique and has their own strengths and weaknesses. Constantly comparing your adult children to their siblings or other people is unfair and harmful. It can create feelings of inadequacy and resentment, as well as unhealthy competition within the family. Celebrate each child’s individuality and focus on their specific accomplishments and talents.
6. You criticise their life choices, partners, or career paths.
Everyone has different aspirations and values, and you have to respect your adult children’s life choices, even if they don’t align with yours. Criticising their partners, careers, or decisions can damage your relationship and make them feel unsupported. Instead, offer encouragement and try to understand their perspective, even if it differs from your own. Remember, their life is their own to live, and your role is to be a loving and supportive parent, not a judge or critic.
7. You violate their boundaries and don’t respect their privacy.
Adult children have a right to their privacy and boundaries. This means respecting their personal space, relationships, and decisions. Avoid prying into their lives, giving unsolicited opinions, or overstepping boundaries. If they share something with you, listen without judgment and offer support only if they ask for it. Respecting their autonomy and privacy is important for building trust and maintaining a healthy relationship.
8. You are overbearing, needy, and emotionally dependent on them.
While it’s natural to want to be close to your children, being overly dependent on them for emotional support can strain your relationship. Adult children have their own lives and responsibilities, and it’s not fair to burden them with your emotional needs. Find healthy ways to manage your emotions and seek support from friends, therapists, or support groups if needed. Give your adult children space to live their own lives, and avoid making them feel responsible for your happiness.
9. You make them feel guilty for not spending enough time with you.
Source: Unsplash Adult children have busy lives with work, relationships, and other commitments. While spending time with family is important, you need to respect their time and not make them feel guilty for not being available as often as you’d like. Instead of guilt-tripping them, try to schedule quality time together in advance, respecting their schedules and needs. Express your appreciation for the time they do spend with you, and make it enjoyable and fulfilling for everyone involved.
10. You expect them to take care of you financially or emotionally.
While children often help their parents as they age, it’s important to remember that it’s not their sole responsibility. Expecting them to support you financially or emotionally can create resentment and strain your relationship. Instead, take proactive steps to plan for your own future, both financially and emotionally. Seek support from friends, professionals, or community resources if needed, and avoid relying solely on your children for your well-being.
11. You play favourites among your children.
Favouring one child over another is a recipe for sibling rivalry and resentment. Even if you don’t intend to, showing preferential treatment can create lasting wounds and damage relationships within the family. Treat all your children with equal love, respect, and attention. Acknowledge their individual strengths and weaknesses, and avoid comparing them to each other. Remember, each child is unique and deserves to feel loved and valued for who they are.
12. You refuse to apologise or take responsibility for your mistakes.
Everyone makes mistakes, and it’s important to acknowledge them and apologise when necessary. Refusing to take responsibility for your actions can damage your relationships and destroy trust. If you’ve hurt your adult children, apologise sincerely and make an effort to change your behaviour. Show them that you’re willing to learn and grow, and that you value their feelings and well-being.
13. You don’t respect their partner.
Your adult children’s partners are an important part of their lives, and it’s important to show them respect and acceptance. Criticising their partners, making negative comments, or trying to sabotage their relationships can severely damage your bond with your children. Instead, make an effort to get to know their partners, show genuine interest in their lives, and be supportive of their relationship. Remember, your goal is to build a strong and healthy relationship with your children, and that includes accepting and respecting the people they choose to love.
14. You try to control their lives through financial means.
Using money as a way to control your adult children’s decisions is a harmful and manipulative tactic. Whether it’s offering financial support with strings attached or threatening to cut them off financially if they don’t comply with your wishes, this behaviour can create resentment and damage your relationship. Instead, offer financial assistance only if it’s genuinely needed and without expecting anything in return. Respect their financial independence and allow them to make their own choices, even if you don’t always agree with them.
15. You are overly critical and judgmental of their choices.
Constant criticism and judgment can be incredibly demoralising and damaging to your relationship with your adult children. Instead of focusing on their flaws and mistakes, try to appreciate their positive qualities and offer constructive feedback when needed. Be supportive of their efforts, celebrate their successes, and show empathy for their struggles. Remember, your role as a parent is to love and support your children unconditionally, not to judge or criticise them.
16. You constantly complain about your own problems and burdens.
While it’s natural to share your concerns with your children, constantly complaining about your problems can be emotionally draining for them. It’s important to find healthy ways to manage your own stress and anxieties, such as talking to a therapist, joining a support group, or engaging in activities that bring you joy. When interacting with your adult children, focus on positive and uplifting conversations. Show genuine interest in their lives, celebrate their successes, and avoid burdening them with your own emotional baggage.
17. You hold grudges and refuse to forgive.
Source: Unsplash Holding grudges is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It only hurts you and damages your relationships. If your adult children have hurt you in the past, try to forgive them and move on. Remember, forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning their actions, but rather choosing to release the anger and resentment that’s holding you back. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, and it can open the door to healing and reconciliation with your loved ones.
18. You prioritise your own needs and desires over theirs.
Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and consideration. If you consistently put your needs and wants before your adult children’s, it can create resentment and distance. Make an effort to understand their perspectives, listen to their concerns, and be willing to compromise when necessary. Show them that you value their happiness and well-being as much as your own, and that you’re willing to make sacrifices for their sake.
19. You try to live vicariously through them and pressure them to achieve your unfulfilled dreams.
Your adult children are not extensions of you, and they have their own unique paths to follow. Trying to live vicariously through them or pressuring them to achieve your unfulfilled dreams can be suffocating and damaging to their self-esteem. Instead, encourage them to pursue their own passions and goals, even if they differ from yours. Celebrate their accomplishments and offer support without expectations. Remember, their life is their own to live, and your role is to be a loving and supportive parent, not a stage manager.
20. You don’t show genuine interest in their lives or accomplishments.
One of the most hurtful things a parent can do is to show disinterest in their children’s lives. When you dismiss their accomplishments, ignore their passions, or fail to engage in meaningful conversations with them, it sends a message that you don’t value them or care about what’s important to them. Make an effort to learn about their hobbies, interests, and goals. Ask questions, listen attentively, and offer genuine praise and encouragement. Show them that you’re proud of them and that you value their presence in your life. Remember, a loving and supportive relationship is built on mutual respect, understanding, and genuine interest in each other’s lives.
