Gaslighting gets talked about a lot, but that doesn’t mean it’s always easy to recognise.
That’s because those who do it tend to be sneaky, slow, and dress it up as concern, logic, or even love. At its core, it’s about making you question your reality, so the other person can maintain control. One of the ways gaslighters do this is through specific phrases designed to confuse, deflect, and destabilise. These things might seem pretty innocuous on the surface, but as time goes on, they tank your confidence, and distort your sense of what’s real. Here are some of the most common phrases these people tend to use—if these sound familiar, it might be time to take a step back and really look at the dynamic.
1. “Sorry to tell you, but you’re just far too sensitive.”
This is a classic go-to when you’ve reacted to something hurtful. Instead of owning what they said or did, the gaslighter flips it on you, making your emotional response the problem instead of their behaviour. After a while, hearing this enough can make you second-guess your reactions entirely. You start wondering if maybe you are too sensitive—when really, you’re just having a normal, human response to being mistreated.
2. “Nah, sorry, that never happened.”
Even when you’re absolutely sure it did. Even when you have the receipts, literal or otherwise. Gaslighters are experts at rewriting history, and they’ll do it with such confidence that you start wondering if you imagined the whole thing. It’s not a disagreement. It’s a denial of shared reality. And when someone does that enough, you begin to lose trust in your own memory, which is exactly the point.
3. “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”
This one is all about minimising your pain. It doesn’t matter how important or upsetting something felt to you. They brush it off like you’re blowing things out of proportion. It trains you to feel embarrassed for speaking up, like you’re dramatic or unreasonable for caring. Of course, the real issue is that they just don’t want to be held accountable.
4. “If you really loved me, you’d…”
This one’s meant to guilt you into compliance. It puts your love on trial, suggesting that your boundaries or discomfort are signs that you don’t care enough. It’s emotional blackmail, plain and simple. And it turns love into a transaction where their needs always come first and yours are negotiable.
5. “I guess I’m just the bad guy, then.”
When you confront them about something, instead of addressing the issue, they jump straight into self-pity. It’s a way to flip the script, so now you feel guilty for upsetting them. It looks like vulnerability, but it’s really a tactic to silence your voice. If you feel bad for bringing something up, you’re less likely to do it next time, and that’s exactly what they’re hoping for.
6. “You’re literally overreacting right now.”
Another way to invalidate your feelings without directly saying it. This one gets used a lot when their words or actions clearly crossed a line, but they don’t want to deal with the fallout. Instead of acknowledging the impact, they reduce your emotional response to something irrational. The goal? Make you feel like the unreasonable one so they can walk away without taking responsibility.
7. “You always twist things.”
This flips accountability onto you, suggesting that you’re misinterpreting their words or taking things the wrong way. It frames you as the unreliable narrator in your own story. After hearing this enough, you might start doubting your own instincts, wondering if you are the problem. Which plays right into their hands.
8. “But everyone else thinks I’m right.”
Ah, the mysterious “everyone.” Gaslighters love pulling in unnamed third parties to back themselves up. It’s a way to make you feel isolated, like your feelings are somehow outside the norm. This tactic leans on fake social proof to make you question your judgement. Of course, if they actually had support, they wouldn’t need to invent it out of thin air.
9. “Sorry, I really never said that.”
Even when you remember it word for word. Even when you remember exactly how they said it. Gaslighters are confident deniers, and they know if they say it with enough certainty, you might start to doubt yourself. This isn’t forgetfulness, it’s strategy. If they can make you feel confused about what was actually said, it’s easier for them to escape accountability.
10. “Stop being so insecure—it’s stupid.”
Anytime you bring up something that made you uncomfortable or hurt, this phrase (or one like it) gets thrown in like a wet blanket. It turns your vulnerability into something shameful. Instead of curiosity or care, you’re met with criticism. Plus, it teaches you to stay quiet about your needs, or risk being labelled “needy.”
11. “I was only joking. You need to lighten up.”
They say something cutting or cruel, then hide behind humour when you call it out. The problem isn’t what they said; it’s that you can’t “take a joke.” This gives them cover to insult you under the radar. Plus, it leaves you feeling both hurt and like you can’t defend yourself without seeming humourless.
12. “I’d never do that, to be honest.”
This one sounds innocent, almost sweet, until it’s used to flat-out deny something they clearly did. It’s a way to shut down the conversation by pretending your concerns are so wild they don’t deserve a response. However, just because someone says they wouldn’t do something doesn’t mean they didn’t. The mismatch between words and actions is where the gaslighting lives.
13. “You’re just remembering it wrong.”
This is gaslighting in its purest form, making you doubt your own memory. It’s not a different perspective, it’s a full rewrite of events that puts them in the clear and you in the fog. When you hear it enough, it can make you feel like you’re losing touch with reality—when really, someone else is just editing it on your behalf. There’s nothing wrong with your memory, promise.
14. “You’re just trying to start a fight right now.”
Bringing up something genuine gets twisted into an accusation. You weren’t trying to start a fight—you were trying to have a conversation. But now, you’re on the defensive. This shuts down communication by turning your concerns into an attack. It punishes you for speaking up, which means next time, you might not bother.
15. “You’re imagining things, honestly.”
When you sense something is off—when their story doesn’t quite add up or their tone feels different—and they say this, it eats away at your trust in your own instincts. Gaslighters rely on you ignoring your gut, so this is a way to cut off your intuition before it gets too loud. Again, your mind isn’t playing tricks on you, so don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.
16. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
It sounds like a defence, but it’s often just a way to dodge the actual harm that was caused. They might not have meant it like that, but it still landed wrong, and that matters. Gaslighters use this to refocus the conversation on their intention instead of the impact, so they can avoid taking ownership of what they said or did.
17. “Why are you bringing up the past?”
This one shows up when you’re trying to unpack a pattern. They treat it like ancient history, even if it happened last week, and accuse you of holding grudges instead of seeing that you’re trying to address something ongoing. It makes you feel petty for remembering things that hurt you. But patterns matter, and you’re allowed to point them out without being guilted into silence.
18. “I never meant to hurt you.”
Intentions are great, but they don’t erase consequences. This is often used to shut down the conversation. It sounds like an apology, but there’s no real ownership—just a vague sense of regret that puts the blame back on your reaction. It’s a clever deflection that leaves you feeling like your pain isn’t valid, because they “didn’t mean it.” But harm is harm, whether it was intentional or not.
19. “You’re impossible to talk to when you’re like this.”
Usually said when you’re calmly raising a valid point. It’s not that you’re difficult; it’s that you’re not being passive anymore, and they don’t like it. So they label you “impossible” to shut you down. This turns the spotlight off their behaviour and onto yours, making you question whether you’re being unreasonable when you’re actually just being clear.
20. “Seriously, do you realise how crazy you look right now?”
This one is cruel, outdated, and still used far too often. It’s the ultimate silencing tactic. If they can convince you (or other people) that you’re irrational, unstable, or too emotional, they can write off everything you say—even when it’s completely valid. This one is incredibly toxic and damaging. It doesn’t just hurt—it eats away at your trust in yourself. Of course, that’s exactly what makes it so effective for people who want control more than connection.
