No one wants to think of themselves as the toxic one.
We usually picture that role belonging to someone else—louder, meaner, more obviously chaotic. Of course, the truth is, toxicity isn’t always explosive. Sometimes, it’s subtle, and it shows itself in habits we’ve normalised, defence mechanisms we haven’t examined, or ways we act when we’re hurt or afraid. That being said, this isn’t about shame—it’s about awareness. If you can spot these behaviours in yourself, you’re already halfway to doing better. Here are some signs that you might be more toxic to the people around you than you realise.
1. You dominate conversations without realising it.
If most hangouts revolve around your stories, your problems, or your latest crisis without much space for other people, you might be more draining than you think. People will stop opening up if they feel there’s no room for them. It’s not always about intent—it’s about impact. Even if you care deeply about your people, constantly redirecting the spotlight to yourself creates an imbalance that wears down emotional connection as time goes on.
2. You use guilt to get what you want.
Guilt doesn’t have to be dramatic to be effective. A well-timed sigh, a passive-aggressive comment, or a subtle “After everything I’ve done for you…” can all manipulate people into doing things out of obligation, not desire. It leaves the people around you feeling resentful or emotionally cornered. If you catch yourself relying on guilt to communicate needs, it’s time to rethink how you ask for support.
3. You expect people to read your mind.
Feeling let down because someone didn’t do what you hoped, but you never actually said it out loud? That’s a communication issue, not a betrayal. Holding people responsible for unspoken expectations creates tension they don’t even know exists. When your needs stay silent, but your resentment builds, the people closest to you start feeling confused, tiptoed around, and unfairly criticised.
4. You make jokes at other people’s expense, then say they’re “too sensitive.”
Humour is healthy, but if your version of bonding involves regular jabs at someone’s appearance, intelligence, or life choices, it’s not harmless. That’s especially true if you’re brushing off their discomfort as them being dramatic. That doesn’t mean you can never tease anyone, but you should be aware of when it hits a nerve. If your jokes routinely leave people shrinking or second-guessing themselves, the problem isn’t their sensitivity—it’s your delivery.
5. You struggle to celebrate other people’s wins.
When someone shares good news and your first instinct is to one-up it, minimise it, or pivot the focus back to yourself, it can quietly chip away at your relationships. You don’t have to fake enthusiasm, by any means, but if you consistently make other people feel like their successes are threatening or inconvenient to you, it creates distance—and sometimes, deep resentment.
6. You turn every disagreement into a personal attack.
If someone disagrees with you and it instantly turns into a meltdown or a character assassination, that’s not communication—it’s control. Not every differing opinion is an attack on your worth. People eventually stop engaging when every conversation feels like walking through a minefield. Plus, they stop trusting you to handle tough topics with maturity.
7. You give the silent treatment when you’re upset.
Shutting down instead of expressing your feelings can seem like a way to avoid conflict, but it’s still a form of control. It leaves people guessing what they did wrong and makes resolution impossible. That emotional freeze-out creates anxiety and insecurity. In the long run, it teaches people that love from you is conditional, and only accessible when they’re pleasing you.
8. You hold grudges but pretend everything’s fine.
You might not explode or confront—but you remember everything. Instead of addressing issues head-on, you let them simmer and colour your interactions with sarcasm, mood changes, or subtle jabs. Unspoken resentment creates a vibe people can feel, even if you never admit what’s bothering you. It’s confusing, destabilising, and ultimately dishonest.
9. You constantly “play devil’s advocate” when someone’s venting.
There’s a time and place for perspective, but when someone’s opening up, they usually want support, not a debate. If your reflex is to argue the other side, it can feel invalidating. Eventually, people stop confiding in you—not because they don’t care about your logic, but because they don’t feel emotionally safe. Sometimes they just want to feel heard, not analysed.
10. You centre yourself in other people’s struggles.
When someone shares something hard, and your response is “I know exactly how you feel” followed by your own unrelated story, it flips the focus off their experience and onto you. Even if you’re trying to connect, it can come across as dismissive. Empathy doesn’t always mean relating—it often means listening fully without making it about your own emotions.
11. You only show up when it’s convenient.
Flaky behaviour, inconsistent replies, and a pattern of disappearing during other people’s hard moments sends a message: you’re only available on your own terms. That kind of unreliability stings more than people let on. Friendship and family ties thrive on mutual effort. When you’re only around when it suits you, people stop relying on you, and eventually, they stop reaching out at all.
12. You constantly interrupt or talk over people.
You may not even notice it, but cutting people off mid-sentence or always steering the conversation back to your own topic makes other people feel unheard. After a while, it adds up to emotional noise. People want to feel like they matter—not just as audience members in your monologue. Giving someone the space to speak freely without rushing to reply is a quiet form of respect.
13. You act supportive, but only if they do things your way.
Offering help with strings attached isn’t generosity—it’s control in disguise. If your support comes with hidden conditions or subtle pressure to follow your advice, it stops feeling like care and starts feeling like manipulation. True support means respecting someone’s autonomy, even if they don’t take your suggestion. If you withdraw or guilt-trip when they don’t, that’s a red flag.
14. You dismiss emotions you don’t understand.
If someone expresses something you wouldn’t personally feel, and your reaction is to roll your eyes, change the subject, or call it an overreaction—it shows that only your way of processing is valid. This shuts people down. Emotional maturity means recognising that people feel differently than you do, and that their emotions are still real, even if they’re not relatable.
15. You weaponise your own pain.
If you regularly bring up your past struggles to win arguments, deflect responsibility, or justify bad behaviour, it stops being vulnerability and becomes a way to avoid growth. Your experiences matter, but they don’t excuse harm. If pain is being used to shut down other people’s needs, it creates a dynamic where your trauma dominates every room, and that’s exhausting for everyone.
16. You rarely ask how other people are really doing.
Some toxic behaviour comes not from cruelty, but neglect. If you never check in, never follow up, never make space for someone else’s inner world, your relationships stay surface-level and one-sided. Being self-absorbed doesn’t always mean being loud—it sometimes means being quietly absent from other people’s emotional realities. They end up feeling unseen, even if you’re technically “around.”
17. You say, “That’s just how I am” instead of reflecting.
Refusing to examine your own patterns by chalking them up to personality kills growth fast. It tells people that you won’t bend, won’t apologise, and don’t really care about how your behaviour affects them. Maturity isn’t about being perfect—it’s about being open. If you feel defensive reading this list, it might be worth asking yourself why. Self-awareness is tough at first, but it’s the doorway to being a better person.
