Emotionally intelligent people aren’t just looking for surface-level attraction with a partner.
They care about how you treat people, how you handle discomfort, and how self-aware you are when things get messy. So, while you might think you’re putting your best foot forward, certain habits can quietly turn them off because they value emotional depth over performative charm. These aren’t just red flags—they’re signs that someone might not be ready for the kind of connection emotionally intelligent people actually want. Here are some of the bad behaviours that make you far less appealing to someone who’s tuned in and self-aware.
1. Playing games instead of being direct
Deliberately delaying replies, trying to make them jealous, or acting disinterested to gain attention? Emotionally intelligent people won’t be impressed—they’ll just lose interest. They don’t have time for emotional gymnastics. They value clarity over confusion. If they sense you’re being performative instead of honest, they’ll walk away quietly, knowing that real connection doesn’t require strategy.
2. Making everything a joke to avoid vulnerability
Humour is great, but when it’s used to deflect every serious moment or feeling, it becomes a barrier. Emotionally intelligent people spot this quickly—it’s a sign of discomfort with emotional depth. If you can’t sit in a moment without needing to lighten it up or dodge it with sarcasm, it tells them you might not be able to handle their emotional honesty, and that’s a dealbreaker.
3. Bragging instead of being quietly confident
Confidence is attractive. However, listing your achievements, name-dropping, or constantly reminding them of how “high value” you are? That reads as insecurity, not strength. Emotionally intelligent people gravitate toward those who are grounded. If you have to perform your worth, they’ll assume you’re still trying to believe it yourself.
4. Getting defensive when they give gentle feedback
If every “Hey, this hurt my feelings” is met with deflection, denial, or an immediate counter-attack, it shows a lack of emotional maturity. To them, that’s not a challenge—it’s a full stop. They want someone who can reflect, not just react. Defensive energy signals emotional fragility, and emotionally intelligent people need someone who can meet them in the discomfort, not fight them in it.
5. Constantly seeking validation instead of connection
Fishing for compliments, needing constant reassurance, or turning every conversation into a performance? It drains people who are emotionally aware, and they end up feeling more like your therapist than your partner. They understand that everyone has insecurities, but they’re drawn to those who are working through them, not outsourcing them. Real intimacy isn’t built on a never-ending feedback loop.
6. Dismissing emotions you don’t understand
Shrugging off someone’s sadness or calling someone “too sensitive” when they express something vulnerable is a quick way to lose their trust. Emotional intelligence means being able to sit with other people’s discomfort, even when it’s unfamiliar. If you mock, minimise, or avoid emotional honesty, you’ll quickly feel distant to someone who thrives on emotional presence. They don’t want perfection—they want your willingness to stay open.
7. Lacking curiosity about their inner world
If you don’t ask questions, check in about their feelings, or notice their emotional changes, they’ll feel unseen. Emotionally intelligent partners notice subtle things—and they want to be noticed, too. Even a simple, “How did that make you feel?” goes a long way. If you’re not interested in their emotional landscape, they’ll assume you’re incapable of meeting them in it.
8. Taking everything personally
Emotionally intelligent people communicate with intention, but if every boundary, pause, or disagreement turns into a personal offence, they’ll feel like they’re managing your emotional state more than their own. That kind of fragility doesn’t create closeness—it creates exhaustion. They want a partner who can regulate their emotions, not one who turns every moment into a crisis.
9. Ignoring how your behaviour affects other people
Whether it’s interrupting constantly, showing up late without apology, or making passive-aggressive comments “just for fun,” a lack of self-awareness is glaring to emotionally intelligent people. They pay attention to nuance, tone, and timing. If you don’t show the same consideration, it tells them you’re not tuned in, and they’ll quietly detach rather than explain why.
10. Constantly comparing yourself to other people
Emotionally intelligent people can spot insecurity wrapped in competition from a mile away. Whether it’s subtle jabs at their ex or comments about other people’s lives, it reads as inner chaos. They want someone content in themselves, not someone always measuring their worth against other people’s. If you can’t celebrate anyone else without spiralling, it signals unresolved self-doubt.
11. Being all charm but no emotional follow-through
Smooth talk and flirty confidence might work in the short term, but emotionally intelligent people are listening for consistency. Charm without sincerity gets spotted—and dismissed—fast. If your words are sweet, but your actions don’t match, they’ll see it for what it is: performance. They’re not interested in potential. They want presence.
12. Refusing to apologise properly
“Sorry you feel that way” is not an apology. Neither is deflecting, minimising, or twisting things back on them. Emotionally intelligent partners want accountability—not perfection, just honesty and ownership. When you mess up (because we all do), how you handle it matters more than the mistake. If you can’t admit fault without ego, they’ll stop trusting you emotionally.
13. Needing control in every situation
Source: Unsplash Always needing to choose the restaurant, steer the conversation, or be “right” in every disagreement? That need for dominance feels like suffocation to someone who values mutual respect. Emotionally intelligent people thrive in relationships with balance. If everything revolves around your comfort, preferences, and timing, they’ll eventually step away for their own well-being.
14. Shutting down instead of communicating
Source: Unsplash Stonewalling, ghosting, going silent during hard conversations—these are emotional escape hatches, and they scream immaturity to someone with emotional depth. They don’t need you to be perfect at conflict—they just need you to stay in it. If you keep disappearing emotionally when things get tough, they’ll stop reaching out. Emotional safety isn’t created by silence—it’s built through presence.
15. Seeing emotional intelligence as a weakness
If you roll your eyes at therapy, joke about “catching feelings,” or treat empathy like a flaw, it tells emotionally intelligent people that your emotional world isn’t somewhere they’ll be safe. To them, emotional fluency is strength. If you mock it, they’ll assume you’re not ready for the kind of connection they crave, and they’ll move on without making a scene.
