Some people don’t argue to understand—they argue to win.
Even worse, when they start feeling cornered or challenged, they often pull out the same tired phrases to throw you off, wear you down, or twist things just enough to make it harder to stay grounded. If you’ve ever walked away from an argument feeling confused, irritated, or like you were suddenly the one on trial, chances are you’ve heard a few of these. Here are some of the phrases argumentative people love to use when they’re more interested in being right than being fair.
1. “You’re overreacting.”
This one shuts the door on whatever you’re trying to express. It frames your feelings as the problem and gives them an excuse to ignore what you actually said. It’s not a response—it’s a dismissal. Instead of engaging with what you’re saying, they take the shortcut of calling it dramatic. It puts you on the defensive, even if your reaction was calm and valid to begin with.
2. “Calm down.”
No one in the history of arguments has ever calmed down because they were told to. This one instantly makes things worse—it’s patronising, dismissive, and usually said to shut you up, not soothe you. It’s not about helping the conversation; it’s about taking control of it. It often gets thrown out not because you’re loud, but because they’re uncomfortable with the fact that you’re standing your ground.
3. “That’s not what I said.”
This one’s slippery. It’s often used to dodge accountability by focusing on technicalities instead of intent. Even if the meaning was clear, they’ll act like your interpretation was completely off base. It puts you in a loop where you’re defending your understanding instead of addressing the actual issue. It’s frustrating, and intentional. It keeps you stuck in the weeds instead of moving forward.
4. “You always twist everything.”
Suddenly, the conversation isn’t about what they did. It’s about how you supposedly interpret everything wrong. This tactic reframes you as the problem so they don’t have to reflect on their own behaviour. It’s especially common when you bring up patterns. Instead of listening, they accuse you of distorting reality. It’s meant to discredit you without actually disproving anything.
5. “Let’s not make a big deal out of this.”
Translation: “This matters to you, but I’d rather not deal with it.” It’s a quick way to shut the conversation down by acting like the whole thing is beneath discussion. The goal here is to make you feel silly for bringing it up at all. But minimising the issue doesn’t make it disappear—it just puts it on hold until it shows up again, worse.
6. “You’re just being emotional.”
This one pretends that logic and emotion can’t coexist, and that any strong feeling makes your point invalid. It’s especially common when you’re making a solid argument that they just don’t want to hear. It frames you as unstable so they can position themselves as the calm, reasonable one, even if they’re the one escalating things. It’s condescending and dodges real accountability.
7. “If you really cared, you wouldn’t be acting like this.”
They make your reaction the measure of your care, instead of looking at the issue that triggered it. It’s a guilt trip disguised as moral high ground, and it’s designed to make you feel ashamed for being upset. This tactic flips the roles so fast, suddenly you’re the one who has to prove your intentions, even when you’re the one who was hurt. It’s manipulative, plain and simple.
8. “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Sounds mature on the surface, but it’s often a premature attempt to shut the conversation down when they feel backed into a corner. It usually shows up before any real resolution has been reached. When used genuinely, it can create peace. But when it’s used as an escape hatch, it’s just a way of dodging accountability while pretending to be neutral.
9. “That’s not what this is about.”
If you bring up a valid point that makes them uncomfortable, they might try to reframe the whole argument around something smaller or easier to argue. They move the goalposts mid-conversation. This forces you to constantly re-centre the conversation, which can leave you feeling like you’re arguing with a moving target. It’s frustrating because it’s designed that way.
10. “You’re not listening to me.”
This one often gets used when you’re listening, but disagreeing. They conflate disagreement with misunderstanding, so they don’t have to accept that you’ve understood perfectly and still hold a different view. It subtly implies that your perspective isn’t valid unless it ends in agreement. That’s not a conversation—it’s a control tactic.
11. “I guess nothing I do is ever good enough.”
Now you’re the bad guy for having a concern. Instead of addressing your point, they leap into self-pity mode, painting themselves as the victim. Suddenly, you’re not allowed to be frustrated without hurting their feelings. It’s a fast way to derail the issue and make it about their bruised ego instead of your original concern. It’s manipulative, and it keeps you tiptoeing instead of speaking honestly.
12. “You’re too sensitive.”
This is one of the laziest ways to dodge accountability. Instead of owning the fact that something hurtful was said, they frame it as your fault for feeling anything about it. It dismisses your experience and protects theirs. It doesn’t lead to growth or clarity, just more distance and resentment.
13. “Why are you bringing up the past?”
Source: Unsplash This shows up when you reference patterns or past behaviour that are clearly relevant. They don’t want context—they want the conversation to stay focused on a narrow version of events that’s easier to argue. However, context matters. If someone keeps doing the same thing, bringing up the past isn’t petty—it’s a pattern. And patterns deserve to be named, not brushed aside.
14. “You’re making this all about you.”
Even when the issue is directly affecting you, they’ll act like your reaction is selfish or self-centred. It’s a clever way to make you feel guilty for focusing on your own feelings. This move shuts down vulnerability by implying that your hurt is somehow narcissistic. It’s designed to make you second-guess your right to even have a boundary.
15. “Can we not do this right now?”
Timing matters, but if this one only shows up when you try to talk about serious things, it’s not about timing at all. It’s about delay. They want to pause the conversation indefinitely so they don’t have to face it. Used selectively, this is fair. However, when it’s the default setting every time things get uncomfortable, it’s avoidance dressed up as maturity—and you’re left holding the tension alone.
