Empathy and co-dependency often get muddled up, but they’re quite different.
While empathy is a valuable trait that helps us connect with people, co-dependency can lead to unhealthy relationships and personal struggles. Understanding the distinction is crucial for balanced relationships, so it’s worth getting them straight in your head.
1. You feel responsible for other people’s emotions.
Source: Pexels If you’re constantly trying to manage or fix other people’s feelings, you might be veering into co-dependent territory. Empathy involves understanding and sharing emotions, but it doesn’t mean you’re accountable for them. It’s important to recognise that everyone is responsible for their own emotional wellbeing, and you can’t control how other people feel.
2. You struggle to say no to things people ask of you, even when you’re overwhelmed.
Empathetic people can set boundaries, but co-dependent people tend to find it hard. If you frequently agree to help people at the expense of your own needs or health, it’s a sign of co-dependency. Healthy empathy allows you to understand someone’s request while still being able to decline if it’s not feasible for you.
3. You feel anxious when you’re not helping someone.
Co-dependent people often derive their sense of worth from being needed. If you feel restless or anxious when you’re not actively supporting someone, it might indicate co-dependency. Empathetic people, on the other hand, can feel fulfilled without constantly being in a helping role.
4. You can listen to other people’s problems without trying to solve them.
This is a hallmark of empathy. If you can lend an ear to someone’s troubles without immediately jumping to fix the situation, you’re demonstrating healthy empathy. Co-dependent people often feel compelled to solve people’s problems, even when unsolicited, as it gives them a sense of purpose and control.
5. You neglect your own needs to meet other people’s expectations.
Consistently putting other people’s needs before your own, to the point of self-neglect, is a clear sign of co-dependency. Empathetic people can balance caring for other people with self-care. If you’re always exhausted or resentful after helping people, it might be time to reassess your boundaries.
6. You can empathise without taking on other people’s emotions as your own.
Healthy empathy allows you to understand and share in someone’s feelings without becoming overwhelmed by them. If you can maintain emotional separation while still being supportive, you’re likely practising empathy. Co-dependent people, however, often absorb other people’s emotions to the point where they can’t distinguish their own feelings.
7. You feel guilty when you can’t make someone happy.
Co-dependent people often feel responsible for other people’s happiness and experience guilt when they can’t achieve it. Empathetic people understand that while they can offer support, ultimately, a person’s happiness is their own responsibility. If you’re constantly consumed by guilt when you can’t cheer someone up, it might be a sign of co-dependency.
8. You have a strong sense of self, separate from your relationships.
Empathetic people maintain their individual identity while connecting with other people. If you have your own interests, opinions, and goals that aren’t solely defined by your relationships, you’re likely practising healthy empathy. Co-dependent people often struggle to maintain a separate sense of self, instead adapting their personality to please people.
9. You struggle to identify your own feelings and needs.
Co-dependent people are often so focused on other people that they lose touch with their own emotional landscape. If you struggle to articulate what you’re feeling or what you need in a given situation, it could be a sign of co-dependency. Empathetic people, while attuned to other people, maintain a clear understanding of their own emotional state.
10. You can be happy for other people’s wins without feeling bad about yourself.
Genuine empathy allows you to feel excited for other people’s achievements without it affecting your self-worth. If you can wholeheartedly celebrate a friend’s promotion or a sibling’s engagement without feeling lesser, you’re demonstrating healthy empathy. Co-dependent people might feel threatened by other people’s success, seeing them as a reflection of their own perceived inadequacies.
11. You often feel resentful after helping people.
If you frequently feel angry or resentful after assisting someone, it might indicate co-dependency. This often stems from helping out of obligation rather than genuine desire. Empathetic people, while they may sometimes feel tired after supporting people, generally don’t experience persistent resentment as they’re able to set healthy boundaries.
12. You can disagree with someone while still respecting their perspective.
Empathy doesn’t mean always agreeing with people. If you can maintain your own viewpoint while still acknowledging and respecting different opinions, you’re likely practising healthy empathy. Co-dependent people often struggle with disagreements, either avoiding them entirely or becoming overly defensive, as they fear damaging the relationship.
13. You base your self-worth on how much you’re needed by other people.
Co-dependent people often measure their value by how indispensable they are to other people. If you find your mood and self-esteem fluctuating based on whether people are asking for your help or attention, it’s a sign of co-dependency. Empathetic people, while they may enjoy being helpful, don’t rely on it for their sense of worth.
14. You can set boundaries without feeling guilty.
The ability to establish and maintain healthy boundaries is a key difference between empathy and co-dependency. If you can say no to requests or limit your involvement in situations without feeling overwhelming guilt, you’re likely practising healthy empathy. Co-dependent people often struggle with boundaries, feeling selfish or cruel when they prioritise their own needs.
15. You understand other people’s perspectives without losing sight of your own.
Empathy involves the ability to see things from another’s point of view while still maintaining your own perspective. If you can understand why someone feels or acts a certain way without necessarily agreeing or changing your own stance, you’re demonstrating healthy empathy. Co-dependent people often lose themselves in other people’s viewpoints, struggling to maintain their own separate perspective.
