Not everyone grew up with tons of friends and a smooth social life.
Some people struggled to make and keep friends, whether due to shyness, social anxiety, being different from their peers, or just not fitting in. Going through the experience of feeling like an outsider, spending a lot of time alone, or being a bit of an outcast at school can stick with a person and show up in some subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) ways in adulthood. Here are a few clues that someone may have had a tough time with friendships growing up.
1. They obsess over and overanalyse social situations.
People who struggled with friendships as kids often second-guess everything they say and do in social situations. They might replay conversations in their head, worrying they said something wrong or that people secretly don’t like them, even those who are their longtime friends. Because they weren’t always sure where they stood with friends in the past, they’ve developed a habit of analysing every little detail. Even when things go well, they might find it hard to fully relax and trust that they belong.
2. They hesitate to reach out first.
If someone got used to being excluded or feeling like an outsider, they might be hesitant to initiate plans or send the first message. They worry about being a bother or assume that people aren’t really interested in spending time with them. Instead of confidently making plans, they often wait for other people to take the lead. Even if they want to reach out, they might convince themselves that the other person isn’t as invested in the friendship.
3. They struggle to trust new friendships.
Past experiences of feeling left out or being treated as an afterthought can make it difficult to trust that a new friend truly values them. They might expect friendships to fade or assume people will eventually lose interest in them. As a result, they can be cautious in relationships, holding back emotionally or preparing themselves for disappointment, even when there’s no real reason to expect it.
4. They have a strong independent streak.
Some people who had trouble making friends as kids learned to rely on themselves. They became used to doing things alone, finding ways to entertain themselves, and not depending on anyone else for company. In adulthood, they may prefer solo activities, struggle with asking for help, or avoid relying on people too much, even in close friendships. It’s not that they don’t want connections, it’s just that they’ve spent so much time being self-sufficient that it feels natural.
5. They feel awkward in group settings.
If someone wasn’t included in friend groups as a kid, they might still feel out of place in group settings as an adult. Even if they’ve become more confident over the years, there can still be an underlying feeling of not quite belonging. They might struggle to jump into conversations, worry about being talked over, or feel unsure of their role in the group dynamic. It can make social situations exhausting, even if they enjoy spending time with people.
6. They take friendships very seriously.
For those who struggled with friendships growing up, having close friends in adulthood can feel extra meaningful. They don’t take connections lightly and may be deeply loyal, sometimes to the point of overcommitting themselves to friendships. Because they know what it’s like to feel alone, they might go above and beyond for friends, sometimes even at the expense of their own needs.
7. They’re highly sensitive to rejection.
Even small signs of distance from a friend can feel like a big deal to someone who struggled with friendships in the past. If a message goes unanswered or plans fall through, they might immediately assume the worst — that they’re being pushed away or forgotten. While most people experience occasional doubts in friendships, those with a history of social struggles might find these feelings much more intense. They may need extra reassurance that they’re truly valued.
8. They struggle with casual friendships.
Source: Unsplash Some people who had a hard time making friends as kids prefer deep, meaningful friendships over casual acquaintances. They may find small talk frustrating and struggle to form light, easygoing social connections. Instead of having a wide circle of friends, they often invest in just a few close relationships. They may also feel disconnected in environments where relationships stay surface-level, like workplaces or large social groups.
9. They’re very careful about who they open up to.
Source: Unsplash If someone was judged or misunderstood by peers growing up, they may be extra cautious about sharing personal things in adulthood. They might keep their guard up until they’re absolutely sure someone is trustworthy. Even when they do let people in, they may struggle with expressing vulnerability, fearing that being open will lead to rejection or that people won’t truly understand them.
10. They sometimes feel like a “different” kind of friend.
People who struggled with friendships growing up may feel like they never quite fit the usual mould. They might describe themselves as “the weird one” or feel like they play a different role in friendships compared to other people. It can make them feel like an outsider, even when they have friends. It’s not necessarily a bad thing—it just means they experience friendships in a way that’s shaped by their unique past.
11. They second-guess their place in friendships.
Even when a friendship is going well, they might wonder if the other person truly likes them. They may overanalyse interactions, trying to figure out if they’re annoying or if the friendship is one-sided. That can make it hard to relax and trust that they’re wanted, even when their friends genuinely enjoy their company.
12. They’re drawn to people who also struggled socially.
Many people who had a tough time with friendships as kids naturally gravitate toward people who have been through similar experiences. They connect with people who understand what it’s like to feel left out or struggle with social dynamics. These friendships can be especially strong, as both people appreciate the connection in a way that someone who never struggled socially might not fully understand.
13. They sometimes downplay their own needs.
Source: Unsplash Those who struggled to make friends in the past may have learned to avoid “rocking the boat” in friendships. They might hesitate to express their needs, fearing that doing so could push people away. They may prioritise keeping the peace over standing up for themselves, sometimes tolerating things that make them uncomfortable just to avoid losing a friendship.
14. They deeply appreciate the friendships they have now.
While struggling with friendships growing up can be tough, it often leads to a greater appreciation for the connections they form later in life. They don’t take friends for granted and value meaningful relationships more than most. Because they know what it’s like to feel alone, they cherish the people who make them feel seen, understood, and valued. Their friendships may not have come easily, but that only makes them more important.
