A lot of adults find themselves caring for ageing parents, but it’s definitely not always smooth sailing.
Sometimes, the way we see this responsibility is shaped by past experiences, family dynamics, or unresolved issues we have with the people who raised us. And, needless to say, these underlying factors definitely influence how we feel about looking after our parents as they get older. If you’ve started to feel like the burden is becoming too heavy to bear, see if you relate to having had any of these experiences — they could just explain a lot.
1. A childhood where you felt neglected
If your parents weren’t really there for you emotionally or physically growing up, it can make it feel really unfair when you’re suddenly expected to care for them. The lack of a strong bond can make it hard to approach their needs with the compassion you’d want to. Those old feelings of neglect can linger, making this whole caregiving thing feel even heavier. Acknowledging these feelings can help you work through them and start to heal, which might make it a little easier to take on this role.
2. Being the “responsible child” growing up
If you were the one who always had to be the responsible one, whether that meant taking care of your siblings or handling family issues, it can feel like you’re just continuing that role when you start caring for your parents. It’s easy to start feeling resentful or burnt out because it’s not something you ever really signed up for. Setting some solid boundaries and getting the support you need can make this whole situation feel more manageable.
3. Witnessing toxic family dynamics
If you grew up in a home full of fighting or dysfunction, stepping into a caregiving role can feel really emotionally draining. Those old, unresolved tensions can come rushing back, making it hard to separate what’s happening now from what happened back then. If this sounds like you, finding ways to deal with that old hurt can make a huge difference and help you feel less overwhelmed by the situation.
4. Lack of emotional closeness
When your relationship with your parents has always been more transactional than loving, taking care of them can feel more like a duty than a natural thing to do. The absence of emotional closeness makes everything about caregiving feel way heavier. Building some sort of connection, even if it’s small, might make this role feel a little more meaningful over time.
5. Past criticism or lack of appreciation
Having parents who were always overly critical or didn’t show much appreciation when you were growing up means that stepping into the caregiving role can bring back those old, unappreciated feelings. It can make you feel like you’re doing this job without anyone noticing or thanking you. Recognising this pattern can help you distance yourself from their old behaviours and focus on your own well-being while taking care of them.
6. Unfair sibling dynamics
If you’re the one left holding the bag for caregiving, especially if you’ve got siblings who aren’t pulling their weight, it can lead to some serious resentment. If this dynamic started when you were younger and hasn’t changed, it can make the whole situation feel even more unfair. Talking openly with your family about dividing the responsibilities more equally can take a huge load off your shoulders.
7. Financial strain during childhood
If money was always tight when you were growing up, the idea of taking on financial responsibility for your parents can feel pretty overwhelming. The financial strain from the past might come rushing back when unexpected expenses pop up. Understanding your own limits and asking for help, whether it’s from siblings or outside resources, can help ease some of that pressure.
8. Parents who prioritised control over nurturing
Maybe your parents were authoritarian or very controlling when you were younger, in which case, caregiving might feel more like a forced duty rather than something you’re doing willingly. It can make things tense and frustrating, and it might bring up old resentment. Shifting your mindset to see caregiving as something you’re choosing to do, rather than something you have to do, can give you back a sense of control.
9. Unresolved childhood trauma
Experiencing neglect, abuse, or any other kind of trauma when you were younger inevitably means that being around ageing parents can bring up painful memories. The emotional toll of caring for someone who hurt you can be exhausting. It’s super important to get the emotional support you need, whether that’s therapy or talking to someone who understands, so you can process all those old feelings while still taking care of yourself.
10. Expectations of perfection growing up
When you were held to impossible standards as a kid, you might feel that same pressure to be the perfect caregiver. It’s easy to get caught up in trying to do everything “just right,” but this kind of perfectionism can lead to stress and burnout. Remember, it’s okay to make mistakes, ask for help, and not have everything figured out. Taking the pressure off yourself can help you handle the situation much better.
11. Cultural or societal pressures
If you were raised in a culture or family where caring for your parents was a non-negotiable duty, you might feel that weight hanging over you. Balancing these cultural expectations with your own life can create constant tension. Finding a way to respect those traditions while also setting boundaries is key to keeping your own mental health intact.
12. Emotional parentification as a child
If you were made to act as an emotional caretaker for your parents when you were a kid, stepping into the role again as an adult can feel like reliving that dynamic. It’s exhausting to constantly be the one who has to take care of someone else’s emotional needs. Recognising the pattern and setting healthy boundaries can help protect your emotional energy.
13. Feeling undervalued in your current life
If you already feel underappreciated in other parts of your life, whether at work or in relationships, taking on caregiving can feel like yet another area where you’re overlooked. It’s important to advocate for yourself and get the recognition or support you need. Taking care of yourself and your own emotional needs is just as important as caring for other people.
14. A history of unhealthy dependency
If your parents were overly reliant on you growing up, caregiving can feel like you’re just continuing that dynamic. Unsurprisingly, can create a lot of resentment and frustration. Setting clear boundaries with your parents and involving other people in the caregiving process can help create a more balanced relationship and reduce feelings of burnout.
