Ask any pet owner and they’ll swear they’re totally normal.
However, spend five minutes in their house, and you’ll witness the soft chaos of whispered pep talks, bedtime routines, and suspiciously one-sided conversations with a very judgemental-looking cat. These aren’t things people broadcast. They’re the subtle, slightly unhinged rituals that become second nature when you share your life with a four-legged weirdo. Whether it’s a dog who gets tucked in like royalty or a hamster with their own playlist, these are the bizarre little habits we all have—and absolutely pretend we don’t.
1. Singing songs… but changing the lyrics to be about the pet
You start off humming something innocent, and before you know it, “Dancing Queen” has become “Fluffy Bean” and it’s a full concert about your dog’s latest zoomies. They stare blankly. You keep going like you’re headlining Glastonbury. This is not a phase. This is your life now. They have theme songs, parody ballads, and possibly a weird rap. And no, you’re not taking requests—you’re an artist.
2. Narrating your pet’s life like it’s a nature documentary
You’re making coffee while saying, “The majestic house cat stalks her prey, an unsuspecting spider near the sink.” It’s David Attenborough meets absolute nonsense, and it happens daily. Bonus points if you switch accents, depending on the situation. Because obviously, your pet deserves a rich and dynamic narrative arc for their breakfast routine.
3. Whispering “I’ll be right back” when leaving the room
You could just leave. You really could. But instead, you crouch down and tell them gently, “Mummy’s just going to the loo, I’ll be two minutes, okay?” Like they’re emotionally fragile and may call a therapist if abandoned. They don’t even blink, but you still feel guilty leaving because what if they miss you? (Spoiler: They’re asleep within seven seconds.)
4. Feeling personally offended when they ignore your affection
You’ve cancelled plans to stay home and cuddle. You’ve laid down a blanket like royalty is visiting. You lean in for a snuggle… and they get up and walk away. Rude. You try to play it cool, but deep down, you’re questioning everything. Was it something you said? Are they mad about the flea treatment? The betrayal cuts deep.
5. Giving them ridiculous nicknames that slowly replace their real name
Your pet was named “Luna” when you got her. She now responds to “Chunky Bean,” “Flooflord,” and “Gremlin Supreme.” You haven’t used her government name in months. At this point, you need a spreadsheet to track all the weird, evolving names you use. And somehow, they understand every single one.
6. Saying “bless you” every time they sneeze
It’s an automatic response. Tiny sneeze? “Bless you!” Massive snort? “Bless you, baby!” You treat every sneeze like it’s a sacred moment because politeness counts, even if they just licked a floorboard. You’d never ignore a friend sneezing, and this furry creature is basically your soulmate. So yes, they get a polite acknowledgment for every bodily noise. It’s only fair.
7. Assigning them deeply complex human emotions
They look at the window once, and you’ve already decided they’re nostalgic, contemplating their past lives. They sigh near the couch, and you’re like, “She’s just emotionally drained from carrying the weight of the family.” In reality, they’re thinking about cheese. But you’re convinced they’re on an emotional journey, and you’re fully committed to supporting them through it.
8. Tucking them in like a literal baby
You’ve fluffed the pillow, adjusted the blanket, maybe even dimmed the lights. Your pet now sleeps better than most adults. You whisper “night night” like it’s a bedtime spell. It started as a joke. Now you feel weird if you don’t do it. They look peaceful. You feel like a wizard. Everyone wins.
9. Throwing a mini celebration every time they poop outside
It doesn’t matter if they’re two months or ten years old—if they poop in the right place, you act like they just passed their driving test. “GOOD GIRL! WHO’S AMAZING? YOU ARE!” There’s a fist-pump. There might be applause. Somewhere in your soul, you know this isn’t normal. But honestly? You don’t care. That was a perfect little outdoor poop and it deserved recognition.
10. Asking for their opinion on important life decisions
You hold up two jumpers and say, “Which one, buddy?” Or you ask, “Should I quit my job?” while they’re licking their paw. Their blank stare is interpreted as wisdom. They are now your life coach, your therapist, and your spiritual advisor. They’ve offered no actual input, but you trust their vibes. It’s a system that works.
11. Letting them interrupt your sleep like it’s totally reasonable
Your cat has walked across your face at 3am. Your dog has barked at a moth. And you? You get up, feed them, check for ghosts, and go back to bed like a loyal assistant to a tiny boss who pays you in fur and crumbs. Are you annoyed? Absolutely. Will you do it again tomorrow? Also yes. Because you love them. Even when they’re the world’s most chaotic roommate.
12. Feeling genuine guilt when you leave them alone
You’ve given them snacks, toys, and left the radio on. You’re still hovering at the door like, “I love you, I’ll be back soon, don’t forget me!” They blink once and fall asleep on your laundry. You, meanwhile, are halfway to crying in the car because they looked mildly sad. It’s fine. You’re fine. They’re napping like a king, and you’re spiralling like a melodramatic pet parent.
13. Taking way too many photos and narrating them like they’re celebrities
“Here she is, lounging dramatically.” “He’s having a thoughtful moment with his tail.” Your camera roll is 92% pet content, and you narrate each photo like you’re a personal PR manager. You’ve got enough footage for a documentary, three holiday cards, and a coffee table book. But you keep snapping anyway. Because every moment is iconic—and they’re the star of your show.
