Gaslighting is talked about so often these days, most people assume they’d recognise it immediately if it happened to them.
Sadly, that’s not always the case. While it’s often associated with manipulative relationships, the truth is, people use gaslighting tactics every single day, sometimes without even realising they’re doing it. It’s those moments when someone makes you doubt your memory, feelings, or even your reality. In the long run, it can destroy your confidence and make you question what’s actually true. Of course, you don’t have to sit there and take it. Recognising it while it’s happening gives you the power to shut it down before it messes with your head. If you hear any of these problematic phrases, you’ll want to cut them off in their tracks.
1. “You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.”
Source: Unsplash One of the most common ways people gaslight is by making you feel like your emotions are too much or not valid. It’s a quick way to dismiss your feelings without actually addressing the issue. The more this happens, the easier it is to start questioning whether you’re really making a big deal out of nothing.
Instead of second-guessing yourself, try responding with something along the lines of: “I’m allowed to feel how I feel. If you don’t understand, that’s fine, but don’t tell me my reaction is wrong.” Emotions aren’t something you need permission for, and someone invalidating them says more about their inability to handle the situation than it does about you.
2. “That just never happened.”
This classic gaslighting move makes you question your own memory. If someone repeatedly insists something didn’t happen when you know it did, it can be incredibly frustrating, not to mention infuriating. The longer it goes on, this can cause serious self-doubt and make you feel like you can’t trust your own recollection of events.
Rather than arguing, try saying: “I remember it differently, and I trust my memory. Let’s focus on moving forward instead of debating the past.” If they keep pushing, stick to your truth. You don’t have to prove your version of events for your feelings to be valid.
3. “You take everything so personally.”
This shifts the blame onto you, making it seem like the real problem is your reaction rather than what was actually said or done. It’s an easy way for someone to avoid accountability while making you feel self-conscious for even speaking up.
Shut it down with: “I’m allowed to have emotions. If something bothers me, it’s worth talking about instead of brushing it off.” The way you feel matters, and dismissing that isn’t a healthy way to handle any issue.
4. “It was just a bit of banter.”
People love to say something hurtful and then cover it up by claiming it was “just a joke.” This tactic makes you feel like you’re the problem for not laughing along. But jokes aren’t supposed to make people feel bad, and if it does, that’s not on you.
A good response is: “Jokes are supposed to be funny for both people, not just one. If it hurt me, it wasn’t a joke.” It’s a simple way to call out their behaviour without getting dragged into a pointless debate over whether or not you have a sense of humour.
5. “You’re imagining things.”
When someone dismisses your concerns by acting like you’re making things up, they’re trying to make you doubt your own experiences. This can be especially frustrating when you know you’re right but are being made to feel like you’re just being paranoid.
Stand firm with: “I know what I saw/heard/experienced, and I don’t need anyone to confirm that for me.” Trusting your own perspective is key, even when someone tries to shake your confidence in it.
6. “You always make things about you.”
This is a sneaky way of making you feel guilty for expressing your feelings, as if standing up for yourself is selfish. The irony? The person using this tactic is usually the one who refuses to acknowledge your emotions in the first place.
A simple response is: “This isn’t about making things about me. I’m just explaining how I feel, and that’s valid.” It’s okay to advocate for yourself, no matter how much someone tries to make you feel guilty for doing it.
7. “Everyone else is fine with it.”
Comparing your feelings to what other people supposedly think is a way to make you feel like you’re being unreasonable. It’s meant to make you second-guess yourself by making it seem like you’re the only one who feels this way.
A great way to handle this is: “That doesn’t change how I feel. I’m talking about my experience, not anyone else’s.” Just because other people don’t have an issue with something doesn’t mean it’s not a problem for you.
8. “You’re remembering it wrong.”
Gaslighters love to challenge your memory, even when you’re sure you’re right. It’s a way to make you question your reality and make them seem like the only one who “knows the truth.” However, there’s no problem with your ability to remember things—they’re just trying to rewrite history to wriggle out of trouble.
Try saying: “My memory is just as valid as yours. Let’s focus on resolving the issue rather than debating who’s right.” Arguing over memories rarely leads anywhere productive, so it’s best to keep the conversation focused on moving forward.
9. “You’re exaggerating.”
Minimising your concerns is another way of making you feel like your feelings don’t matter. This can make you hesitant to bring up issues in the future, which is exactly what a gaslighter wants. If you don’t call them out, they can go on acting like they haven’t done anything wrong.
Respond with: “It’s obviously a big enough deal to me to bring it up, so let’s talk about it instead of dismissing it.” Your emotions are important, and you don’t need to justify them to anyone.
10. “If you cared about me, you’d just believe me.”
Using love or loyalty as a way to shut down conversations is emotional manipulation in disguise. It’s a way to make you feel like standing up for yourself means you don’t care about them. The truth is that if they cared about you, they wouldn’t manipulate you like that.
A firm response is: “Love doesn’t mean ignoring my concerns. If we care about each other, we should be able to talk about things openly.” Love and respect go hand in hand, and you shouldn’t have to sacrifice one for the other.
