It can be a tough realisation when you notice that the people you’ve surrounded yourself with might not be the healthiest influences.
Maybe their behaviour, values, or how they treat you and everyone else doesn’t sit right anymore. Coming to terms with this can feel isolating and confusing, but it’s also an opportunity to grow. When the reality of your friend group hits you like a ton of bricks, here’s how to deal.
1. Acknowledge your feelings without judgement.
It’s normal to feel disappointment, sadness, or even guilt when you realise your friends might not be the best people. You might question your judgement or wonder how you missed the signs. Allow yourself to feel these emotions without criticising yourself. Recognising the issue is the first step toward making positive changes, and it takes courage to be honest with yourself.
2. Reflect on why you’re feeling this way.
Take time to think about what specifically makes you feel that your friends aren’t great people. Are they consistently disrespectful, unsupportive, or dishonest? Do they engage in harmful behaviours or bring out the worst in you? Clarifying the reasons behind your discomfort helps you understand what’s really going on and whether these relationships can improve or need to change.
3. Identify your core values and boundaries.
When you notice your friends’ actions or attitudes don’t align with your values, it’s a sign that your boundaries need reinforcing. What matters to you — honesty, kindness, respect, loyalty? Knowing your values helps you decide what behaviour is acceptable and what isn’t. Having clarity makes it easier to navigate tough friendships and maintain your self-respect.
4. Assess if these friendships are salvageable.
Not every friendship needs to end. Consider whether your friends are open to change, or if their behaviour is a pattern that’s unlikely to shift. Are they receptive to feedback? Have they shown self-awareness? If there’s hope for positive growth, an honest conversation might help. However, if the issues are deep-rooted or toxic, it may be healthier to distance yourself.
5. Have honest conversations where possible.
If you feel safe and comfortable, talk to your friends about your concerns. Use “I” statements to express how their behaviour makes you feel. For example, “I feel hurt when my opinions are dismissed,” or “I feel uncomfortable when you treat people poorly.” These conversations can clarify misunderstandings or reveal whether they’re willing to respect your boundaries.
6. Recognise that outgrowing friends is normal.
Sometimes, friendships that served you well in one stage of life no longer fit in another. People grow in different directions, and that’s okay. Outgrowing friends doesn’t mean you’ve failed or that they’re bad people; it simply means you’re evolving. Letting go of friendships that no longer align with who you are is a sign of growth, not betrayal.
7. Limit your exposure to toxic behaviours.
If cutting ties completely feels too difficult, start by limiting the time you spend with these friends. Choose activities where their negative traits are less likely to surface, or spend time in group settings where you can manage interactions. Reducing exposure can help protect your mental and emotional well-being while you figure out the next steps.
8. Find new ways to build your social circle.
Meeting new people can feel daunting, but it’s essential for growth. Join clubs, take up new hobbies, or attend local events where you can connect with like-minded individuals. Consider volunteering, joining classes, or attending social meet-ups. Surrounding yourself with people who share your values helps create healthier, more fulfilling friendships.
9. Lean on trusted support networks.
During this time, reach out to family members, mentors, or old friends who have always had your back. Talking to people who genuinely care about you can provide comfort and clarity. They can offer insights or a different perspective, reminding you that you’re not alone and that healthy relationships are possible.
10. Invest in your own growth and well-being.
Use this period to focus on yourself. Pursue activities that bring you joy, learn new skills, or set personal goals. Investing in your growth boosts your confidence and helps you feel more comfortable with who you are. The more secure you feel in yourself, the easier it is to attract healthier relationships.
11. Don’t rush to fill the void.
If you decide to step away from your current friends, it might feel lonely at first. That’s okay. Take your time before diving into new friendships. Loneliness can be uncomfortable, but it also allows you to reflect and make intentional choices. Trust that quality friendships will come when you’re ready.
12. Avoid self-blame and practise self-compassion.
It’s easy to blame yourself for choosing the “wrong” friends, but friendships are a learning experience. Show yourself compassion. You made choices based on who you were at the time, and recognising that those friendships aren’t serving you anymore shows strength. Be kind to yourself as you navigate these changes.
13. Consider going to therapy if you think it might help.
Realising your friends are not great people can bring up complicated emotions. If it feels overwhelming, talking to a therapist can help. They can offer tools and strategies to process your feelings, set boundaries, and build healthier relationships moving forward. Going to therapy is a proactive way to care for your mental health.
