Respect is a basic tenet of human interaction, and you’d think it would come naturally from members of your own family. However, that’s not always the case.
The sad fact is that, for whatever reason, you might have a relative whose behaviour toward you is inconsiderate, thoughtless, and impolite. It makes it hard to interact with them, but sometimes, you just can’t avoid it. Here’s how to deal with this family member without losing your mind.
1. Set some boundaries and don’t let your family member cross them.
Establishing boundaries is a must when dealing with disrespectful behaviour. Decide what you will and won’t tolerate, and communicate these limits clearly. Be prepared to enforce these boundaries consistently, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. Keep in mind that boundaries are about protecting yourself, not punishing the other person.
2. Don’t engage in arguments or try to ‘win’.
It’s tempting to defend yourself or try to prove your point, but this often escalates the situation. Instead, try to disengage from arguments. Use phrases like “I hear you, but I see things differently” or “Let’s agree to disagree”. Approaching things from this angle can help prevent heated exchanges that leave everyone feeling worse.
3. Respond calmly, rather than reacting emotionally.
When faced with disrespect, take a deep breath before responding. Try to remain calm and composed, even if you’re feeling hurt or angry inside. Responding with heightened emotions often fuels the fire. A measured response can sometimes defuse tension and model the respectful behaviour you’d like to see.
4. Focus on the behaviour, not the person.
When addressing issues, frame your concerns around specific behaviours rather than making sweeping statements about the person’s character. For example, say “I feel hurt when you speak to me in that tone” instead of “You’re always so rude”. It’s much less likely to put the other person on the defensive.
5. Limit your exposure if necessary.
If the disrespectful behaviour continues despite your best efforts, it might be necessary to limit your interactions with this family member. This doesn’t mean cutting them off completely, but rather controlling the frequency and duration of your encounters to protect your mental health.
6. Get some much-needed support from other family members or friends.
Don’t isolate yourself with this problem. Reach out to family members or friends who can offer emotional support and maybe even help mediate the situation. Sometimes, having allies can make a big difference in how you cope with challenging family dynamics.
7. Practise self-care to maintain your mental and emotional health.
Dealing with a disrespectful family member can be emotionally draining. Make sure you’re taking care of yourself. Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation, whether it’s exercise, reading, or spending time in nature. Prioritising yourself will help you stay resilient in the face of challenges.
8. Try to understand the root cause of their behaviour.
While it doesn’t excuse disrespect, trying to understand why your family member behaves this way can be helpful. Are they going through a difficult time? Do they have unresolved issues from the past? Understanding the context might help you approach the situation with more empathy and possibly find a resolution.
9. Use ‘I’ statements to express how their behaviour affects you.
When addressing the issue, use ‘I’ statements to express your feelings without sounding accusatory. For example, “I feel hurt when you speak to me that way” rather than “You’re always so disrespectful”. Going about things this way can open up more constructive dialogue and help the other person understand the impact of their actions.
10. Don’t take their behaviour personally.
Remember that their disrespectful behaviour is often more about them than it is about you. It might stem from their own insecurities, past experiences, or current stresses. While this doesn’t make it okay, remembering this can help you maintain your self-esteem and not internalise their negativity.
11. Model the behaviour you’d like to see.
Continue to treat them with respect, even when it’s not reciprocated. By consistently modelling respectful behaviour, you’re setting a positive example. Over time, this can sometimes influence the other person’s behaviour. At the very least, you’ll know you’ve done yourself proud and haven’t shown yourself up.
12. Consider family counselling if the situation persists.
If the disrespectful behaviour is a long-standing issue affecting multiple family members, consider suggesting family counselling. A neutral third party can often help facilitate better communication and understanding between family members, providing tools to improve relationships.
13. Acknowledge your own feelings and allow yourself to feel hurt.
It’s natural to feel hurt, angry, or frustrated when dealing with a disrespectful family member. Don’t try to suppress these feelings. Acknowledge them, perhaps by journaling or talking to a friend. Allowing yourself to process these emotions can prevent them from building up and potentially exploding later.
14. Focus on the relationships that bring positivity to your life.
While dealing with a difficult family member, make sure to nurture the positive relationships in your life. Spend time with family and friends who uplift and support you. These positive interactions can help balance out the negative experiences and remind you of your worth.
15. Remember that you can’t control others, only your response.
Ultimately, you can’t force someone to change their behaviour. What you can control is how you respond to it. Focus on managing your own reactions, maintaining your boundaries, and protecting yourself. Shifting your focus can be empowering and help you navigate the situation more effectively.
