You’re probably familiar with Gary Chapman’s five love languages — quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch, gifts, and acts of service — but there are more than that!
While you and your partner might give and receive affection in totally different ways, that doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. In fact, it just gives you the opportunity to create your own love language that’s unique to the two of you. I know it sounds a bit crazy, but it can actually work (I’ve tried it in my own marriage). Here’s how to find a common ground and assure your relationship is full of fulfilling love for both of you.
1. Have an honest chat about what makes you feel loved.
Source: Unsplash Kick things off by sitting down with your partner and having an honest conversation about what actions, words, or gestures make you feel genuinely appreciated. Be specific and don’t be shy — this is your chance to really open up.
2. Pay attention to the little things that light up your partner’s face.
Sometimes the smallest gestures can have the biggest impact. Keep an eye out for those tiny moments that seem to bring joy to your other half. It could be something as simple as bringing them a cuppa in bed or putting a load of washing in when the washing basket is piling up.
3. Create a shared activity that’s meaningful to both of you.
Source: Unsplash Find something you both enjoy doing together and make it a regular part of your routine. It could be anything from cooking a meal together to going for a weekend walk. The key is that it’s something you both look forward to and can do together on a regular basis.
4. Develop your own set of code words or inside jokes.
Source: Unsplash Every couple has their own little world of private jokes and references. Lean into this and create some special words or phrases that have meaning only to the two of you. You get to create your own secret language that no one else will ever be able to speak, and that’s pretty cool.
5. Find a unique way of showing physical affection.
Source: Unsplash Beyond the usual hugs and kisses, come up with a special way of touching that’s just for the two of you. It could be a specific type of hand squeeze or a particular way of stroking their arm. The important thing is that it’s unique to your relationship.
6. Create rituals around everyday activities.
Source: Unsplash Turn mundane daily tasks into opportunities for connection. Maybe you always kiss goodbye in a certain spot by the front door, or you have a special way of saying goodnight. These little rituals can become powerful expressions of love over time.
7. Use technology in a way that’s meaningful to you both.
Source: Unsplash Given that we’re all glued to our phones, tablets, and laptops all the time, it shouldn’t be so hard to find a way to use tech that feels special. Maybe you send each other a particular emoji when you’re thinking of them, or you have a shared online photo album where you post moments from your day. Get creative here!
8. Develop a unique way of apologising and making up.
Source: Unsplash Every couple has disagreements, but how you make up afterwards can be part of your love language. Create a special way of saying sorry or a ritual for reconnecting after an argument that feels genuine to both of you. Sure, some arguments will take a bit longer to resolve than others, but never let them get the better of you.
9. Find ways to show appreciation that resonate with your partner’s interests.
If your partner is into music, maybe you create playlists for each other. If they love reading, you could leave bookmarks with loving messages. Tailor your expressions of love to what they’re passionate about — it will mean the world to them.
10. Create your own traditions for special occasions.
Source: Unsplash Instead of following the usual scripts for birthdays or anniversaries, develop traditions that are meaningful to you as a couple. Maybe you always go to a certain spot to celebrate, or you have a special way of giving gifts. Whatever works for you, find it and keep up with it.
11. Develop non-verbal cues for showing affection in public.
Source: Unsplash Sometimes you want to express love without making a big show of it. Come up with subtle gestures you can use when you’re out and about, like a secret hand signal or a particular way of catching each other’s eye. It’s another private language to share, but this one is non-verbal.
12. Find unique ways to support each other’s goals.
Source: Unsplash Create specific ways of cheering each other on as you pursue your individual dreams. This could be anything from a special pep talk before a big meeting to a celebratory dance when you hit a milestone. Either way, always make sure you’re acting as one another’s biggest cheerleader.
13. Develop a shared language around intimacy.
Source: Unsplash Create your own way of initiating or discussing physical intimacy that feels comfortable and natural for both of you. This could involve certain phrases, gestures, or even a playful game. Also, find a way to turn one another down when you’re not in the mood that doesn’t hurt each other’s feelings or feel like rejection.
14. Create a unique way of reconnecting after time apart.
Whether it’s after a long day at work or a trip away, develop a special ritual for coming back together. It could be as simple as a particular type of hug or a specific question you always ask each other.
15. Find ways to involve your shared history in your expressions of love.
Source: Unsplash Use your shared experiences and memories as part of your love language. Maybe you recreate your first date once a year, or you have special nicknames based on a funny moment you shared. Either way, never let all the memories you’ve made together fade into the background.
16. Keep evolving your love language as you grow together.
Remember, your relationship is always changing, and so should your love language. Make it a point to check in with each other regularly about what’s working and what new ways you might want to express your love. Keeping things fresh and relevant is key to maintaining a strong connection.
