You dedicated your life to raising your child, and now they’ve turned into an ungrateful, disrespectful adult.
This is disappointing, to say the least; that’s not how they were brought up, and you have no idea how they got like this. However, losing your rag with them isn’t going to change their behaviour, and it could destroy your relationship completely. Here’s how to deal with their disappointing ways without losing your mind.
1. Set clear boundaries and stick to them.
Establishing boundaries is a must when dealing with a difficult adult child. Be firm about what behaviour you’ll tolerate and what consequences will follow if those boundaries are crossed. That might mean limiting contact, refusing financial support, or not allowing them to stay in your home if they’re disrespectful. Consistency is key here — don’t cave in when they push back.
2. Communicate openly and honestly.
Have a frank conversation with your adult child about how their behaviour affects you. Use “I” statements to express your feelings without sounding accusatory. For example, “I feel hurt when you speak to me that way” instead of “You’re always so rude”. Be prepared to listen to their perspective too, even if you disagree with it.
3. Don’t enable bad behaviour.
It’s natural to want to help your child, but sometimes this can inadvertently encourage their negative behaviour. If you’re constantly bailing them out of financial troubles or making excuses for their actions, you’re not helping them grow. Let them face the consequences of their choices. This can be tough, but it’s often necessary for them to learn and mature.
4. Focus on self-care and your own wellbeing.
Dealing with a difficult adult child can be emotionally exhausting. Make sure you’re taking care of yourself. Engage in activities you enjoy, spend time with supportive friends and family, and consider joining a support group for parents in similar situations. Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup — taking care of yourself will help you better handle the challenges with your child.
5. Recognise that you can’t control their behaviour.
As much as we might want to, we can’t force our adult children to change. They’re responsible for their own actions and choices. Focus on what you can control — your own responses and behaviour. This shift in perspective can be liberating and help reduce your stress levels.
6. Don’t take their behaviour personally.
It’s easy to feel like their disrespect is a reflection on your parenting, but that’s often not the case. There could be many factors influencing their behaviour, from personal struggles to external pressures. Try to separate their actions from your self-worth. Their behaviour says more about them than it does about you.
7. Maintain relationships with other family members.
Don’t let the difficulties with one child isolate you from the rest of your family. Maintain strong relationships with your other children, grandchildren, and extended family. These connections can provide emotional support and help keep things in perspective. They can also serve as a positive example for your difficult child.
8. Consider reducing financial support.
If your adult child is financially dependent on you, consider gradually reducing this support. After all, financial independence can encourage responsibility and maturity, so this could help. Be clear about your plans and give them time to adjust. This doesn’t mean cutting them off entirely, but rather encouraging self-sufficiency.
9. Keep the door open for positive change.
While it’s important to set boundaries, also let your child know that you’re open to rebuilding a positive relationship if their behaviour improves. Be clear about what changes you need to see. This gives them a path forward and shows that reconciliation is possible if they’re willing to make an effort.
10. Practise forgiveness, but don’t forget.
Holding on to anger and resentment only hurts you in the long run. Try to forgive your child for their hurtful behaviour, but don’t forget the lessons learned. Forgiveness doesn’t mean allowing the same patterns to continue — it’s about freeing yourself from negative emotions while maintaining healthy boundaries.
