It’s important to stand up for yourself and not let anyone walk all over you, but there’s a fine line between defending yourself and being defensive.
The latter will automatically make people tune out what you’re saying, which is likely completely valid, and that’s not what you want. If you want to stand your ground without being overly confrontational or overreacting, here’s how to do it. Don’t worry — it’s easier than you think!
1. Take a moment to breathe before responding.
When you’re dealing with criticism or drama, your first instinct is likely to react straight away, but don’t. Take a minute to breathe, gather your thoughts, and consider if what you’re about to say is appropriate or actually serves the situation in any way. You’ll find you avoid saying things you’ll later regret if you go about things this way.
2. Actually listen to understand the other person’s perspective.
Often, defensiveness arises from feeling misunderstood or unfairly judged. By focusing on truly listening to the other person, you might start to understand concerns or motivations a bit more. Ask questions if you need to, and make sure you’re absorbing what’s actually being said. Understanding where they’re coming from can totally defuse a lot of your anger and frustration, weirdly enough.
3. Acknowledge any truth in the criticism.
If there’s any validity to the criticism you’re receiving, acknowledge it. You don’t need to accept blame for things you haven’t done, but show that you’re open to feedback and realise that you’re not perfect. You could say something like, “I can see how my actions could have been interpreted that way.” It can completely disarm the other person and take away the air of confrontation in the conversation.
4. Use “I” statements to express your thoughts and feelings.
When defending your position, frame your responses using “I” statements. Instead of saying, “You’re wrong about that,” try “I see the situation differently.” The goal here isn’t to attack, it’s to put your foot down and make sure you’re not being attacked unfairly, either.
5. Ask for specific examples if accusations are vague.
Sometimes, criticism can be frustratingly vague, making it all but impossible to address. In that case, ask for concrete examples to better understand what the issue is. Doing this serves two purposes: it shows that you’re taking the concern seriously and want to understand, and it also helps you address specific situations rather than generalised accusations. For instance, “Could you give me an example of when you felt I was being dismissive?”
6. Focus on the present issue rather than bringing up the past.
When you’re feeling attacked, it’s tempting to bring up something the other person said or did ages ago, but it just derails the conversation and makes you look defensive. Stay focused on the here and now, and if the past IS actually relevant, frame them in the context of the present discussion rather than as separate complaints.
7. Suggest some solutions instead of just defending your actions.
After addressing the immediate issue, try to start solving it so you can move on. Offer some suggestions on how to improve the situation or prevent similar issues in the future. This way, they realise that you’re committed to resolving problems and improving your relationship. It also moves the conversation from a blame-focused discussion to a more constructive dialogue.
8. Practise empathy by trying to understand the other person’s emotions.
Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and understand the emotions behind their words. Are they frustrated, hurt, or worried? Acknowledging their feelings can help de-escalate the situation. You might say something like, “I can see this issue has been frustrating for you.” They’ll know that you’re not dismissing their concerns, even if you disagree with their perspective.
9. Use neutral language to avoid things getting more heated.
The words we choose can majorly impact the tone of a conversation, so opt for neutral language that doesn’t assign blame or make accusations. Instead of saying, “You always exaggerate everything,” try, “I think there might be a misunderstanding here.” This keeps the conversation balanced and reduces the likelihood of the other person becoming defensive in return.
10. Take responsibility for your part, even if it’s small.
In many conflicts, both people play a role, even if it’s not equal. Acknowledging your part, no matter how small, can be a powerful way to break the tension and show your willingness to be fair. This doesn’t mean taking on blame that’s not yours, but rather recognising that situations are often complex. For example, “I realise I could have communicated my intentions more clearly.”
11. Set boundaries firmly but respectfully.
Defending yourself doesn’t mean you have to accept all criticism or accusations. It’s important to set clear boundaries when necessary. Do this respectfully but firmly. You might say, “I understand you’re upset, but I’m not comfortable with the way you’re speaking to me. Can we discuss this more calmly?” You can assert your rights and demand respect while still keeping the door open for productive dialogue.
12. Ask for clarification before assuming intentions.
Often, defensiveness arises from assumptions about other people’s intentions. Before reacting, get some clarification. Ask questions to understand the full context of their comments or actions. This approach helps prevent misunderstandings and demonstrates your willingness to engage in open communication. It can often reveal that the perceived attack was unintentional or based on incomplete information.
