Calling someone out over their relationship with alcohol is tricky, for sure.
You care about them and want to help, but you also don’t want to offend or push them away. It’s a delicate conversation, but with the right approach, you can express your concerns with kindness and respect. Here are some ways to tell someone they’re drinking too much while still keeping the peace and not seeming rude or inappropriate.
1. Choose the right time and place.
Timing is everything. Don’t bring it up during a night out or when they’ve been drinking. Instead, choose a calm, private setting where they’ll feel safe and comfortable. Wait until they’re sober and relaxed, perhaps over a coffee or during a quiet moment at home.
2. Approach them with empathy, not judgement.
Avoid sounding accusatory or critical. Instead, express your concern with understanding and compassion. Use phrases like, “I care about you, and I’m worried,” rather than, “You have a problem.” This shows that your intention is to support, not criticise.
3. Use “I” statements to express your feelings.
Focus on how their drinking affects you instead of pointing fingers. Say, “I feel worried when I see you drink so much,” instead of, “You’re always drinking too much.” This makes it less confrontational and more about your feelings.
4. Avoid labels like “alcoholic.”
Words like “alcoholic” or “problem drinker” can feel harsh and offensive. Stick to observations and feelings instead. For example, “I’ve noticed you’ve been drinking more lately,” rather than using labels that might make them defensive.
5. Highlight specific examples gently.
Be clear and concrete, but not aggressive. General statements might not resonate, but examples can help. Say, “Last week, you seemed really out of it after the party, and I was worried,” rather than vague comments like, “You’re always out of control.”
6. Express your concern about their well-being.
Make it clear that your concern is rooted in care for their health and happiness. Say, “I’m worried about your health because I care about you,” which focuses on your love for them rather than their behaviour.
7. Offer to listen and support them.
Source: Unsplash Let them know you’re there to help, not judge. Say, “If you ever want to talk about it, I’m here to listen,” to show that you’re a safe space for them. Offering support can make them feel less alone.
8. Avoid bringing it up during an argument.
Discussing drinking habits during a fight can make things worse. Wait until emotions are calm, so the conversation stays productive and respectful. Heated moments rarely lead to constructive outcomes.
9. Focus on the impact, not the blame.
Point out how their drinking affects your relationship or their life, rather than accusing them of wrongdoing. Say, “I feel distant when you drink a lot,” instead of, “You’re ruining everything.” This helps them see the bigger picture.
10. Ask them how they feel about their drinking.
Give them a chance to reflect and share their thoughts. Ask, “How do you feel about your drinking lately?” This encourages introspection and can open the door to a meaningful conversation.
11. Avoid ultimatums unless absolutely necessary.
Threatening to end the relationship or giving harsh ultimatums can create resentment. Focus on expressing your concerns and offering support first. Ultimatums should be a last resort after other approaches have failed.
12. Suggest small, manageable changes.
Instead of demanding they stop completely, suggest cutting back gradually. Say, “How about we try a dry weekend together?” This feels more achievable and less intimidating than drastic changes.
13. Be patient and give them time.
Change doesn’t happen overnight. They might need time to process and reflect. Let them know you’re there for them, even if they’re not ready to talk right away. Consistent support shows you care.
14. Offer to find help or resources together.
Source: Pexels If they’re open to it, suggest exploring resources or professional help. Say, “I found a support group that might be helpful — I’d be happy to go with you.” Offering to join them makes it feel less daunting.
15. Respect their response, even if it’s not what you hoped for.
They may not react positively at first, and that’s okay. Give them space to process and let them know the door is always open. Sometimes, planting the seed of concern is the first step toward change.
