Being “under the thumb” in a relationship means that one partner exerts more control.
This often leaves the other person feeling restricted, powerless, or like their independence has been stomped all over. Sometimes it’s subtle, creeping into a relationship through small habits and behaviours. If you’re unsure whether you might be in this position, here are 14 signs to look out for—and some perspective on what they might mean.
1. You feel like you need permission for everything.
If you find yourself constantly checking in or asking for approval before making even small decisions, it could be a sign that you’re not operating freely. While communication is healthy in any relationship, needing explicit permission for everyday choices might mean your independence is being undermined. This dynamic can leave you feeling more like a child than an equal partner.
2. You change your behaviour to avoid conflict.
Walking on eggshells or altering your actions to keep the peace can indicate an imbalance of power. If you feel pressured to act in ways that aren’t true to yourself just to avoid upsetting your partner, it’s worth considering whether this dynamic is healthy. True relationships allow space for honesty without fear of repercussions.
3. Your opinions are always second to theirs.
Do you find that your ideas or preferences are often dismissed, overridden, or ignored? Being under the thumb often comes with a loss of your voice in the relationship. Feeling like your thoughts don’t carry equal weight can lead to frustration and resentment over time.
4. They monitor your activities closely.
It’s normal to share your day with your partner, but if they’re constantly checking where you are, who you’re with, or what you’re doing, it might be crossing a line. Excessive monitoring can feel suffocating and is often a sign of control disguised as concern.
5. You feel guilty for wanting time alone.
Everyone needs personal space, but if your partner makes you feel bad for taking time for yourself, it’s a red flag. Healthy relationships respect individuality and personal time, while being “under the thumb” often comes with guilt trips for pursuing independence.
6. They dictate how you spend money.
If your partner controls financial decisions to the point where you feel excluded or unable to spend freely, this could be a sign of dominance. While joint financial planning is important, one-sided control over money can create an unhealthy imbalance of power.
7. Your friendships are suffering.
When you’re under the thumb, your partner might discourage or limit your time with friends, leaving you feeling isolated. A healthy relationship supports your connections with other people, while a controlling one often tries to cut them off. Loneliness can creep in without you even realising it.
8. They expect you to prioritise their needs over yours.
It’s one thing to compromise, but consistently putting their desires ahead of your own can lead to emotional exhaustion. If their happiness always seems to come at the cost of yours, it may be a sign that the relationship is unbalanced.
9. You feel nervous about expressing your feelings.
Open communication is key to a healthy relationship, but if you’re afraid to share your emotions for fear of how they’ll react, something’s off. This fear can prevent you from addressing issues or advocating for yourself, leaving you feeling trapped.
10. They dismiss or belittle your achievements.
If your accomplishments are brushed aside or downplayed, it might be a way to keep you feeling small. A loving partner celebrates your wins, while someone controlling might minimise them to keep the power dynamic in their favour.
11. You’re the one making all the sacrifices.
Compromise is essential, but if you’re constantly the one giving things up—whether it’s your time, interests, or goals—it’s worth re-evaluating the dynamic. A one-sided effort to keep the peace often leaves you feeling depleted and undervalued.
12. They criticise your choices, big or small.
From the clothes you wear to the decisions you make, frequent criticism can make you doubt yourself. While constructive feedback is normal, constant nitpicking often signals a desire to control or shape your behaviour to fit their preferences.
13. You feel like you’ve lost a sense of yourself.
Being under the thumb often means suppressing your individuality to meet your partner’s expectations. If you no longer recognise the person you were before the relationship, it’s a clear sign that your autonomy has been compromised. Rediscovering your own interests and identity can be an important step forward.
14. You’re afraid of what might happen if you stand up for yourself.
Source: Unsplash Fear of conflict, rejection, or even retaliation is a strong indicator of an unhealthy dynamic. A balanced relationship allows for disagreements without making you feel unsafe or unheard. If asserting your boundaries feels impossible, it’s time to reflect on whether the relationship is truly serving you.
