Narcissists are incredibly manipulative, but that also means they’re good at making you feel bad for them.
Because they love playing the victim and acting as though everyone is out to get them, it makes sense that any empathetic person might start to sympathise with them and their so-called plight. Of course, it’s all a load of nonsense, and they’re the architects of their own misery. Here’s how to avoid falling for their sob stories and see them for who they really are.
1. Recognise their patterns.
First things first, you’ve got to spot the narcissist’s playbook. They’re masters at making you feel bad for them. Whether it’s playing the victim, guilt-tripping, or sudden bursts of vulnerability, once you see these tactics for what they are, it’s easier to step back and not get sucked in. It’s like watching a magic show — once you know the tricks, the spell kinda breaks.
2. Remember, it’s not your job to fix them.
Look, you’re not their therapist or their saviour. It’s natural to want to help, but narcissists often use this against you. They’ll make their problems your responsibility. But here’s the thing: you can’t pour from an empty cup. Focus on taking care of yourself first. It’s not selfish, it’s necessary.
3. Set firm boundaries.
This is crucial. Narcissists love to push boundaries, so you’ve got to be clear about yours. It might feel harsh at first, but it’s essential for your well-being. Don’t let them guilt you into breaking these boundaries. Stick to your guns, even when it’s tough. You’ll thank yourself later.
4. Focus on their actions, not their words.
Narcissists can talk a big game. They might promise to change or say all the right things to win your sympathy. But pay attention to what they do, not what they say. Actions speak louder than words, especially with narcissists. If their behaviour doesn’t match their promises, that’s your cue to step back.
5. Educate yourself about narcissism.
Knowledge is power, folks. The more you understand about narcissistic personality disorder, the better equipped you’ll be to deal with it. Read books, articles, or even join support groups. Understanding that their behaviour is part of a larger pattern can help you depersonalise it and feel less responsible for their emotions.
6. Practise emotional detachment.
This one’s tough but important. Try to create some emotional distance between you and the narcissist. It doesn’t mean becoming cold or uncaring, just not getting swept up in their drama. Think of it like watching a movie — you can observe without getting personally involved.
7. Redirect your empathy.
You’ve probably got a big heart if you’re feeling sorry for a narcissist. That’s not a bad thing! But maybe it’s time to redirect that empathy. Focus on people who genuinely appreciate and reciprocate your kindness. Or better yet, turn some of that compassion inward. You deserve it.
8. Remember their capacity for manipulation.
When you start feeling sorry for a narcissist, remind yourself of their manipulative tendencies. They’re often skilled at playing on your emotions. That sob story or moment of vulnerability? It might just be another tactic to keep you hooked. Stay alert and trust your gut.
9. Focus on self-care.
Instead of pouring your energy into feeling sorry for the narcissist, channel it into taking care of yourself. Do things that make you happy, spend time with supportive friends, or pick up a new hobby. The stronger and more fulfilled you feel, the less likely you are to get pulled into their emotional games.
10. Talk to a counsellor or therapist if you’re really having a tough time.
If you’re really struggling to stop feeling sorry for a narcissist, it might be time to talk to a professional. A therapist can help you work through your emotions and give you tools to deal with the situation. There’s no shame in asking for help — it’s a sign of strength, not weakness.
11. Remind yourself of past experiences.
When you feel that pang of sympathy creeping in, think back to times when the narcissist has let you down or manipulated you. It’s not about holding grudges, it’s about keeping perspective. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves why we decided to create distance in the first place.
12. Practise gratitude for your own life.
Shift your focus from their problems to your own blessings. Take time each day to appreciate the good things in your life. This boosts your mood and helps you realise that you don’t need to fix someone else to feel fulfilled.
13. Understand it’s okay to walk away.
Sometimes, the best thing you can do for yourself is to walk away. It doesn’t make you a bad person. You’re not abandoning them; you’re choosing yourself. It’s okay to prioritise your own mental health and happiness.
14. Reframe your thinking.
Instead of seeing the narcissist as someone to be pitied, try to view them as someone who’s made choices that led to their current situation. They’re adults capable of making decisions. Your sympathy won’t change their behaviour — only they can do that.
15. Surround yourself with healthy relationships.
Spend time with people who lift you up and have healthy relationship dynamics. This contrast can help you see more clearly how draining and one-sided your interactions with the narcissist are. It reinforces why it’s important not to get sucked back in.
16. Be patient with yourself.
Lastly, cut yourself some slack. Breaking emotional patterns takes time. If you slip up and find yourself feeling sorry for them again, don’t beat yourself up. Acknowledge it, remind yourself why you’re making this change, and keep moving forward. You’ve got this.
