Admittedly, most of us are terrible at apologising.
We get defensive, make excuses, or try to explain our way out of it when sometimes all someone needs to hear is “I’m sorry.” Even if you really are remorseful and want to make things right, you’re probably doing or saying things to discount the genuineness of your apology, and it shouldn’t be like that. Here’s how to get better at making amends.
1. Your timing changes everything.
Rushing to apologise the moment something goes wrong might seem like the right move, but sometimes people need space to process their feelings first. Watch for signs that the other person is ready to have the conversation — their body language will soften, they’ll start making eye contact again, or they’ll stay in the room longer instead of quickly leaving. Giving them this breathing room shows you respect their emotional process instead of just trying to make yourself feel better. The moment when someone’s ready to listen transforms a rushed apology into a meaningful conversation.
2. Explanations aren’t always necessary.
Sometimes we get so caught up in explaining our side that we forget why we’re apologising in the first place. Watch yourself when you start a sentence with “I was just trying to” or “What really happened was” — these usually signal you’re about to defend rather than apologise. The person you hurt probably already knows your reasons, and rehashing them often just reopens the wound. A simple acknowledgment of their hurt often means more than the most carefully crafted explanation.
3. Making it about you misses the point.
Starting apologies with how bad you feel about what happened shifts the focus from the person you hurt to your own guilt. When you go on about how awful you feel or how you can’t sleep at night, you’re actually asking for comfort from someone you’ve wounded. Your feelings matter, but they shouldn’t become the centre of the apology. The spotlight belongs on the impact of your actions, not your emotional response to causing harm.
4. Half-apologies only make things worse.
Those sneaky little phrases that sound like apologies but aren’t — “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I’m sorry but” — actually deepen the original hurt. They carry a subtle message that the other person’s feelings are the problem, not your actions. These non-apologies feel like someone putting a plaster on a wound while quietly telling you you shouldn’t be bleeding. Real healing starts with owning your part without trying to minimise or redirect.
5. Promises without change mean nothing.
Empty promises to change can hurt more than making no promises at all. When you say you’ll never do something again, the person you’re apologising to remembers every other time you’ve said those same words. They’re watching your actions after the apology more closely than they’re listening to the apology itself. Making realistic commitments about specific changes carries more weight than grand declarations about total transformation.
6. Sometimes one apology isn’t enough.
Big hurts often need more than one conversation to heal, especially if trust has been broken. Each time you acknowledge the impact of your actions, you help rebuild what was damaged. These follow-up conversations show you’re still thinking about what happened and taking it seriously. The effort to keep checking in, even after the initial apology, shows that your remorse goes deeper than just wanting to move past the uncomfortable moment.
7. Your body language tells the real story.
The way you hold yourself during an apology speaks volumes about how sincere you really are. Looking at your phone, crossing your arms, or maintaining physical distance sends a clear message that you’re not fully present. Making yourself physically smaller, maintaining gentle eye contact, and keeping your hands visible shows you’re making yourself emotionally available. Your body often reveals your true feelings about the apology before you say a word.
8. Asking for forgiveness puts pressure on them.
Ending an apology with “please forgive me” shifts the burden onto the person you’ve hurt. They suddenly feel pressured to either grant forgiveness they might not feel ready for, or become the bad guy for withholding it. True apologies come without strings attached — they’re about owning your actions, not chasing immediate absolution. Letting someone process their feelings without expecting a particular response shows real understanding of the harm done.
9. Private wrongs need private apologies.
Apologising publicly for something that happened privately often feels more like performance than sincerity. Social media apologies for personal hurts can make the wounded person feel even more exposed and vulnerable. The setting of your apology should match the setting of the original hurt. Making a private moment public changes the nature of both the hurt and the healing.
10. Skipping the fix-it mode helps everyone.
Jumping straight into problem-solving mode often means missing the emotional impact of what happened. When you rush to make things better, you might skip over the necessary step of letting someone fully feel and express their hurt. The urge to fix things comes from good intentions but can feel like you’re trying to sweep their feelings under the rug. Sometimes sitting with the discomfort is an important part of making things right.
11. Past hurts need acknowledgment, too.
Old wounds that were never properly addressed can keep affecting relationships long after the original incident. Taking the initiative to acknowledge past hurts, even years later, can help heal long-standing injuries. These delayed apologies might feel awkward, but they show you’ve grown enough to recognise the impact of your past actions. Time doesn’t always heal all wounds, but sincere acknowledgment often helps start the process.
12. Different people need different approaches.
Some people need to hear detailed acknowledgment of what went wrong, while others just want to know you understand their feelings. Paying attention to how someone processes hurt helps you shape your apology in a way that actually reaches them. The same words that heal one relationship might feel hollow in another. Understanding these differences shows you’re thinking about their needs rather than just following an apology script.
13. Actions speak louder after apologies.
The real work begins after the words “I’m sorry” leave your mouth. Your behaviour in the days and weeks following an apology either reinforces or undermines everything you said. When you show through consistent actions that you’ve really heard their hurt, you build a foundation for genuine healing. Small, everyday choices that show awareness of past hurts often mean more than grand gestures of remorse.
14. Bringing up their past mistakes kills sincerity.
The moment you start comparing hurts or bringing up times when they wronged you, your apology loses all meaning. This kind of score-keeping turns what should be a moment of accountability into a debate about who hurt whom more. Keeping the focus solely on your actions and their impact shows you’re genuinely trying to make amends rather than even the score.
15. The aftermath matters most.
How you handle the awkward period after an apology often matters more than the apology itself. Expecting everything to immediately return to normal puts subtle pressure on the healing process. Giving space while staying consistently present shows you understand that rebuilding trust takes time. The way you navigate this sensitive period sets the tone for how the relationship will heal and grow.
