How To Tactfully Tell Your Partner You Don’t Like How They Look

Talking to your partner about their appearance in a way that’s not exactly complimentary is tough (and that’s putting it lightly).

Whether it’s a change in style, weight, or just a general shift in how they present themselves, tact and empathy are key if you’re actually going to bring this up. While your love for them should remain constant regardless of how they look, physical appearances are obviously more important to some people than others. Your goal here should be to be honest without hurting their feelings, and while that’s pretty much impossible — who wants to hear that their partner suddenly doesn’t find them attractive, especially if it’s for reasons beyond their control? — if it’s a conversation you can’t go on without having, at least follow these tips.

1. Focus on feelings, not facts.

Instead of saying, “I don’t like how you look,” frame the conversation around how you feel. For example, say, “I’ve noticed I feel a bit disconnected when I see you wearing this,” rather than focusing on their appearance. This keeps the conversation about your feelings rather than criticising their looks, making it feel less like an attack.

2. Acknowledge what you do like.

Start by recognising something you do appreciate about their appearance. Compliment them on aspects you admire, whether it’s their smile, posture, or something else that makes them attractive. This shows you still care about how they look overall, but you want to address a small part of it that might have changed.

3. Avoid focusing on their weight.

Weight can be a particularly sensitive topic. Instead of commenting directly on weight, which can feel personal and hurtful, focus on how their choices or habits might affect their health or energy levels. Frame the conversation around health and well-being rather than appearance.

4. Be constructive with your feedback.

Offer suggestions on how they could change things up, but do so in a supportive way. For instance, “Have you ever thought about trying a new haircut? I think it could really highlight your face shape,” rather than directly saying, “I don’t like your hair.” This gives them room to consider the change without feeling criticised.

5. Pick the right time and place.

Choose a time when you’re both relaxed and not distracted or stressed. Avoid bringing it up when you’re already in a tense conversation or when they might be feeling insecure. A calm and private setting helps make the conversation feel less intimidating and more like a supportive discussion.

6. Show empathy and understanding.

Understand that your partner might already feel insecure about their appearance, and be gentle. Use phrases like, “I know this might be hard to hear,” or “I’m saying this because I care about you.” Showing that you understand their feelings helps soften the impact of the conversation.

7. Make it a collaborative effort.

Instead of making it seem like a one-sided critique, suggest changes as something you can do together. For example, “Maybe we can both try some new outfits or join a fitness class together. It could be fun!” This way, it feels more like a shared goal rather than something they need to fix on their own.

8. Keep it light-hearted.

Using humour can sometimes help lighten the mood and make the conversation feel less heavy. However, be sure to gauge their response carefully. If they’re not receptive to humour, it might be better to stick to a more serious tone. Timing and delivery are key here.

9. Reaffirm your attraction to them.

Let them know that despite any changes in their appearance, you still find them attractive. Sometimes people fear that physical changes will affect their partner’s feelings towards them. Remind them that your love and attraction go beyond just their appearance, which can help them feel more secure.

10. Don’t compare them to anyone else.

It’s important to avoid making comparisons to other people when discussing your partner’s appearance. For example, don’t say things like, “You used to look like this person,” or “Why don’t you look like them?” Comparisons can feel hurtful and imply they’re not good enough on their own.

11. Focus on what you want to see, not what you don’t.

Rather than pointing out what you dislike about their appearance, focus on the positive aspects of what you want to see. For instance, say, “I’d love to see you in something more colourful because I think it would highlight your eyes,” rather than, “I don’t like how that outfit makes you look.”

12. Be patient and allow them to express themselves.

Your partner may need time to process your feedback. Give them the space to express how they feel, and be patient with their reaction. They might feel defensive at first, so listen attentively and give them room to share their thoughts without interrupting or getting frustrated.

13. Avoid doing it in public.

Bringing up something sensitive about your partner’s appearance in front of other people can embarrass them and make the situation worse. Always have these conversations privately, where your partner can feel safe to process their feelings without the pressure of an audience.

14. Emphasise your love for them as a person.

Reiterate that your love for them isn’t tied to their appearance. Let them know that your concern comes from wanting them to feel their best, not because of superficial reasons. Focusing on their character and how much you appreciate them as a person helps them understand that this isn’t just about looks.

15. Be open to their feedback, too.

Remember, relationships are about mutual respect and communication. Be open to hearing your partner’s thoughts and feelings about how you’ve approached the conversation. They may have insights into your preferences or insecurities, and being receptive to that can strengthen your connection and show that you value their feelings just as much.