Calling a narcissist out for their bad behaviour isn’t easy, and you may not get the response you want.
While pointing out someone’s narcissism to their face should never be done in an accusatory way, there may be a point when you feel like you simply have to say something for the sake of the relationship — or your own mental, emotional, or even physical health. If you do want to broach the topic, here are some tips that will give you a better chance of success.
1. Choose the right time and place.
Source: Unsplash Don’t ambush them with this conversation in the middle of an argument or when they’re already feeling defensive. Instead, choose a calm and quiet moment when you can both focus on the conversation without distractions. Maybe suggest going for a walk or sitting down in a neutral space like a park or coffee shop.
2. Focus on specific behaviours, not labels.
Instead of accusing them of being a narcissist, focus on specific behaviours that have been hurtful or problematic. For example, instead of saying, “You’re so narcissistic!” you could say, “When you interrupt me and dismiss my feelings, it makes me feel unimportant and disrespected.” This approach is less likely to trigger defensiveness and more likely to lead to a productive conversation.
3. Use “I” statements to express your feelings.
“I” statements focus on your own experience and emotions, rather than blaming or accusing the other person. This can help create a safer space for communication and reduce the likelihood of defensiveness. For instance, instead of saying, “You always have to be the centre of attention,” you could say, “I feel hurt and ignored when you interrupt me and talk over me.”
4. Be prepared for defensiveness and denial.
Source: Unsplash Narcissists rarely want feedback and they don’t take well to criticism, so don’t be surprised if they become defensive or deny any wrongdoing. They might try to turn the tables on you, accuse you of being overly sensitive, or brush off the impact of their behaviour. It’s important to remain calm and focused on your own experience, even if they try to invalidate your feelings.
5. Set boundaries and stick to them.
It’s important to establish clear and firm boundaries with the narcissist and communicate your expectations for how you want to be treated. Let them know that you won’t tolerate disrespectful behaviour and that you will walk away from the conversation if they become abusive or manipulative. By setting and enforcing boundaries, you protect yourself from further emotional harm.
6. Don’t expect them to change overnight.
Source: Unsplash Change takes time and effort, especially for someone with narcissistic tendencies. Don’t expect them to suddenly see the error of their ways and transform into a different person after one conversation. Be patient and persistent, but also realistic about the potential for change. Remember, you can’t force someone to change; they have to be willing to do the work themselves.
7. Offer alternatives to their behaviour.
Source: Unsplash Instead of just criticising the things they do and say, suggest some other ways they can interact with you that are more respectful and considerate. For example, if they tend to interrupt you, suggest that they wait until you’re finished speaking before responding. By offering constructive feedback and suggesting alternative behaviours, you give them a chance to learn and grow.
8. Be willing to walk away.
Source: Unsplash If the conversation becomes unproductive or the narcissist refuses to acknowledge their behaviour, don’t hesitate to walk away. It’s not your responsibility to fix them or convince them to change. Your priority should be protecting your own well-being and mental health. Sometimes, the healthiest option is to distance yourself from toxic relationships.
9. Be prepared for deflection and blame-shifting.
Source: Unsplash Narcissists are notorious for deflecting blame and refusing to take responsibility for their actions. They may try to turn the conversation around and accuse you of being the problem. Be prepared for this and don’t get sucked into their blame game. Stay focused on your own experiences and feelings, and don’t let them manipulate you into feeling guilty or responsible for their behaviour.
10. Don’t expect an apology.
Narcissists rarely apologise with any sort of sincerity, since they often lack empathy and remorse. Even if they do offer an apology, it might be fake or manipulative, designed to appease you or get back in your good books. Don’t hold your breath waiting for a heartfelt apology; focus on setting boundaries and protecting yourself from further harm.
11. Get support from people you trust.
Dealing with a narcissist can be emotionally draining and isolating. It’s important to have a strong support system in place, whether it’s friends, family, a therapist, or a support group. Talking about your experiences and feelings with trusted individuals can help you gain perspective, validate your experiences, and develop healthy coping mechanisms.
12. Put your own well-being first.
Remember, your mental and emotional health are paramount. Don’t sacrifice your well-being for the sake of the relationship. If the narcissist in your life is causing you significant stress or harm, it might be necessary to distance yourself or even end the relationship. You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness, and you don’t have to tolerate toxic behaviour.
13. Know when to walk away.
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, communication with a narcissist is simply not possible. If they refuse to acknowledge their behaviour or make any effort to change, it might be time to walk away. It’s a difficult decision, but sometimes it’s the healthiest choice for your own well-being. Remember, you can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change, and you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel valued and respected.
