Monogamy is no longer a foregone conclusion in relationships these days.
While still somewhat taboo, many couples find open relationships, or even ones with more than one partner, to be fulfilling and actually way better than just being with one person. If you’re interested in trying out this lifestyle for yourself, but you’re currently in a committed relationship, here’s how to talk to your partner to find out if they might be open to the idea.
1. Check your motivations.
Source: Unsplash Before you even think about having this chat, take a good hard look at why you want an open relationship. Are you just bored? Curious? Or is there something deeper going on? Make sure you’re not using this as a plaster for other issues in your relationship. If you’re just looking to spice things up, there might be other ways to do that without opening Pandora’s box.
2. Do your homework.
Don’t go into this conversation uneducated. Read up on open relationships, polyamory, and different relationship structures. Understand the potential pitfalls and benefits. You want to be able to answer questions and have a real discussion, not just drop a bomb and hope for the best. Knowledge is power, especially when you’re talking about reshaping your entire relationship.
3. Pick the right time and place.
This isn’t a conversation to have when you’re both stressed, tired, or in the middle of an argument. Choose a time when you’re both relaxed and have plenty of time to talk. Maybe suggest a walk in the park or a quiet evening at home. Just make sure it’s private – you don’t want to be interrupted by the waiter asking if you want more breadsticks.
4. Start with honesty.
Begin the conversation by being upfront about your feelings. Something like, “I’ve been thinking a lot about our relationship, and there’s something important I want to discuss with you.” Be clear that this is about adding to your relationship, not replacing what you have. Emphasise that you’re bringing this up because you value honesty and open communication in your relationship.
5. Use “I” statements.
Frame the conversation around your feelings and desires, not what you think is wrong with your current relationship. Say things like, “I’ve been curious about exploring an open relationship” rather than “You’re not meeting all my needs.” This approach is less likely to put your partner on the defensive right off the bat.
6. Be prepared for any reaction.
Your partner might be intrigued, angry, hurt, curious, or all of the above. Give them space to react and really listen to what they’re saying. This is a big deal, and they might need time to process. Don’t expect an immediate answer, and be ready for some tough questions.
7. Define what “open” means to you.
Open relationships can mean different things to different people. Are you talking about casual hookups? Emotional connections? One-time flings or ongoing relationships? Be clear about what you’re envisioning so you’re both on the same page. This isn’t the time to be vague or leave things open to interpretation.
8. Discuss boundaries and rules.
If your partner is open to the idea, start talking about what ground rules you’d both be comfortable with. This might include things like always using protection, not bringing other partners home, or agreeing to veto power over each other’s outside relationships. Be specific and thorough – the clearer you are now, the less chance for misunderstandings later.
9. Address the tough questions.
Don’t shy away from the hard stuff. Talk about how you’ll handle jealousy, what happens if one of you falls for someone else, or how this might affect your future plans together. It’s better to confront these issues head-on rather than pretending they won’t come up.
10. Be patient.
Your partner might need time to think about this. They might want to do their own research or talk to friends. Give them the space to do that. This isn’t a decision that should be rushed. Be prepared for ongoing conversations, not just a one-and-done chat.
11. Consider professional help.
If you’re having trouble navigating this conversation on your own, think about seeing a couples therapist or a counsellor who specialises in non-traditional relationships. They can provide a neutral ground for discussion and offer tools to help you communicate more effectively.
12. Be prepared for a “no.”
Remember, your partner has every right to say no to an open relationship. If they’re not on board, you need to be ready to either recommit to monogamy or make some tough decisions about your relationship. Pressuring someone into an open relationship is a recipe for disaster.
13. Keep the conversation ongoing.
If you do decide to open up your relationship, keep talking about it. Check in regularly about how you’re both feeling, whether the arrangement is working, and if any rules need to be adjusted. Open relationships require constant communication and honesty to work.
14. Take it slow.
If you both agree to try an open relationship, don’t rush into anything. Take your time, maybe start with small steps, and see how you both feel. This is a big change, and it’s okay to ease into it gradually.
15. Prioritise your primary relationship.
Remember, the goal here is to enhance your relationship, not replace it. Make sure you’re still investing time and energy into your primary partnership. Plan date nights, keep up with your usual routines, and make your partner feel valued and secure.
