Not every warning sign in a relationship comes with flashing lights.
Sometimes, it’s the stuff that sounds almost normal on the surface—offhand comments that leave you questioning what just happened. These things may not be shouted or dramatic, but they have a way of making you feel smaller, less certain, or somehow “off.” If someone says these things regularly, it’s not just a quirk. It’s a pattern that wears you down, slowly changing how you show up and how much of yourself you feel safe to bring. If you hear them, don’t just ignore them—they may not bode well for your connection long-term.
1. “I’m just telling it like it is.”
It might sound honest, but it often comes right after something unnecessarily rude. It’s a phrase people use to skip the effort of being thoughtful and frame their insensitivity as bravery. In reality, it’s not about truth—it’s about having the last word without having to reflect on how it lands.
If someone keeps saying this after making sharp or cutting remarks, it’s usually not honesty that’s driving them. It’s control. And eventually, it teaches you to brace yourself whenever they open their mouth.
2. “You’re making it a bigger deal than it is.”
This is an easy way to flatten your experience. Instead of listening or asking why it matters to you, they try to shrink it down into something they don’t have to take seriously. It’s a quick dismissal dressed up as perspective. When this becomes a pattern, it chips away at your ability to speak up. You start second-guessing what’s valid. And over time, you learn that your feelings aren’t worth much airtime in their world.
3. “You’re being dramatic.”
This one’s a fast-track to making someone feel foolish for being human. It turns emotional expression into a flaw, especially if it’s something the speaker doesn’t want to deal with. It’s not about what you said—it’s about shutting the door on whatever it stirred up. The more you hear this, the more you learn to tone yourself down, even when something genuinely hurts. And that’s how people start folding themselves smaller just to keep the peace.
4. “I guess everything’s my fault, then.”
This isn’t accountability—it’s deflection with a dramatic twist. Instead of actually listening to your concern, they twist it into a guilt trip, hoping you’ll backtrack and comfort them instead. It’s manipulative because it derails the conversation and makes you feel like you’ve done something wrong for bringing up an issue. Suddenly, you’re managing their emotions instead of talking about yours.
5. “Don’t take this the wrong way…”
What usually follows this line is something that will absolutely land the wrong way. People use this to soften the blow of an unkind opinion, as if prefacing it makes it more acceptable. It’s a distancing tactic. They get to say something questionable, then act surprised if you’re hurt. If someone has to warn you about how you might take their words, it’s probably worth listening to that instinct before they even finish.
6. “That’s just my sense of humour.”
This tends to get used after a joke lands badly—usually one made at someone else’s expense. It’s meant to make you feel uptight for reacting at all, rather than acknowledging that the joke was off. Humour isn’t a free pass to say whatever you want. If someone keeps using “that’s just how I joke” as a cover for being rude, they’re not being funny—they’re avoiding responsibility.
7. “I say this because I care.”
This one sounds thoughtful at first. But it often shows up right before a cutting remark. It’s used to justify hurtful comments by framing them as concern, even if there’s nothing caring about the delivery. When someone uses “I care” to soften a blow, it’s worth asking who really benefits from that line. After all, if it leaves you feeling judged or picked apart, it’s not care—it’s control in disguise.
8. “You’re just being emotional.”
It’s a classic line used to delegitimise anything said with feeling. It suggests that logic and emotion can’t coexist, so if you’re upset, your point must be invalid. When someone uses this line, they’re not interested in hearing you out. They’re looking for a quick way to dismiss what you’re saying without having to consider that they might have done something wrong.
9. “Whatever.”
It’s a small word with a lot of weight. In a heated moment, it’s the conversational equivalent of a door slam—a signal that they’re done, even if you’re not. It’s dismissive and designed to shut you down rather than talk things through. When “whatever” becomes the go-to, it tells you your words aren’t landing—or worse, they don’t care if they do.
10. “I’m not like other people you’ve dealt with.”
This one’s tricky. It might be true, but it’s often said to create a sense of superiority or make you feel like you owe them more leeway. It’s a way of framing normal concerns as baggage from your past. Used early in relationships, it can be a subtle warning: trust me more than you trust your instincts. But no one gets to override your experience just because they’ve decided they’re different.
11. “Why can’t you just let it go?”
This isn’t always a red flag, but when it’s said every time you bring up something important, it becomes one. It suggests that keeping the peace is more important than addressing what’s real. Letting go is only healthy when things have actually been worked through. If someone skips the conversation and pushes you to move on, it usually means they’re more interested in comfort than clarity.
12. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
Intent matters, obviously, but so does impact. This regularly gets said when someone’s hurtful and doesn’t want to deal with the fallout. It’s a way of saying, “I get to decide whether you should feel hurt.” If someone truly didn’t mean it that way, they’d be more focused on understanding your reaction than defending theirs. When this phrase gets used to avoid accountability, it becomes another tool to shut the conversation down.
13. “You’re always looking for something to be upset about.”
This is a line that shifts the blame fast. It suggests you’re not reacting to real things—you’re just being difficult. It’s an easy way for someone to sidestep responsibility and paint you as the problem. In the long run, this kind of comment makes you second-guess your gut. You start wondering if maybe you *are* being too much, when really, you’re just reacting to patterns they don’t want to address.
14. “I’m not perfect, okay?”
No one expects perfection, but this line often shows up when someone’s trying to wiggle out of being called on their behaviour. It turns a reasonable conversation into a big existential plea for forgiveness. If they say this instead of owning what happened, it’s not humility—it’s avoidance. People who care about you don’t need to be flawless. They just need to be willing to grow.
15. “That’s not what happened.”
Sometimes it isn’t what happened, but when this line gets repeated often, especially around things you clearly remember or experienced, it becomes unsettling. It creates a quiet erosion of trust in your own memory. This is often the beginning of rewriting reality in their favour. It’s not always done maliciously, but the impact is the same. You start to doubt your version of things, even when your instincts were clear.
16. “You take things too personally.”
This is often said when someone doesn’t want to take responsibility for their words. Instead of considering how they came across, they blame you for feeling affected. It’s a lazy way to avoid reflection. It’s okay to take things personally when they’re aimed at you. If someone can’t handle being held accountable without making you feel weak or overly sensitive, it’s not a you problem. It’s theirs.
