Parenting is a bit of a roller coaster: one minute you’re changing nappies, and the next they’re off living their own lives.
It’s so rewarding to see them become independent adults, but it can be tricky to navigate this new relationship dynamic. If you’re keen to keep a close bond with your grown-up children, you might need to shift your perspective a bit. You don’t need to let go entirely, but you’ll have to embrace a new dynamic.
1. Your role has shifted from manager to consultant.
Remember those days when you were the ultimate authority on everything in your child’s life? Well, those days are over, mate. Your adult children are now the CEOs of their own lives, and you’ve been moved to a consulting position. This means your job is no longer to make decisions for them, but to offer advice when asked — and only when asked. It’s about being available with your wisdom and experience, but not forcing it on them. This shift can be a bit jarring at first, but embracing it can lead to a much more balanced and respectful relationship.
2. Their life choices aren’t a reflection of your parenting.
It’s dead easy to feel like every decision your adult child makes is somehow a direct result of your parenting. But here’s the thing: they’re their own person now, with their own thoughts, experiences, and influences. If they decide to become a travelling street performer instead of using that law degree, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed as a parent. It just means they’re forging their own path. Accepting this truth can be liberating for both of you. It allows you to appreciate their choices without feeling personally responsible for every outcome.
3. Unsolicited advice is rarely welcome.
We’ve all been there — watching our adult child about to make what we think is a mistake and feeling the overwhelming urge to jump in with some sage advice. But here’s the rub: unsolicited advice, no matter how well-intentioned, often comes across as criticism or lack of faith in their abilities. Your adult children need to feel trusted to make their own decisions, even if those decisions lead to mistakes. Instead of offering unprompted advice, try asking open-ended questions that allow them to think through their choices. They’ll be more likely to actually consider your perspective if they’ve asked for it.
4. Your home is no longer their primary home.
This one can be a bit of a gut punch, especially if you’ve kept their childhood bedroom exactly as they left it. But the truth is, once your children move out, their concept of ‘home’ begins to shift. They start creating their own spaces, whether that’s a flat share in the city or a cottage in the countryside. This doesn’t mean they don’t still love and value your home, but it’s no longer their primary residence. Accepting this shift can help you avoid feeling hurt when they don’t want to spend every holiday or free weekend at your place. It’s not about them rejecting you, it’s about them building their own life.
5. Their partner is now their primary relationship.
If your adult child is in a serious relationship, it’s crucial to understand that their partner has now become their primary relationship. This means that in conflicts or decisions, they’re likely to side with their partner over you. It’s not a betrayal or a sign that they love you less, it’s a natural and healthy progression. Your job now is to respect this new dynamic and avoid putting them in situations where they have to choose between you and their partner. Embracing their new relationship and making an effort to welcome their partner into the family can go a long way in maintaining a close bond with your child.
6. Your expectations might need adjusting.
We all have expectations for our children, often formed when they were still little tots running around in nappies. But as they grow into adults, these expectations might not align with the reality of who they’ve become. Maybe you always pictured your daughter as a high-flying lawyer, but she’s found her passion in organic farming. Or perhaps you assumed your son would settle down with a nice girl, but he’s happily single and focused on his career. Adjusting your expectations doesn’t mean lowering them; it means aligning them with your child’s actual goals and values. This flexibility can prevent a lot of tension and disappointment on both sides.
7. They have the right to set boundaries.
The word ‘boundaries’ can sometimes feel like a slap in the face when it comes from your own child. But establishing healthy boundaries is a crucial part of any adult relationship, including the parent-child one. This might mean they don’t want to share every detail of their personal life, or they need to limit the frequency of your visits or calls. It’s not about pushing you away; it’s about creating a balanced, respectful relationship. Respecting these boundaries, even when they’re not what you’d prefer, shows that you value their autonomy and can actually lead to a closer relationship in the long run.
8. Your relationship will evolve, and that’s okay.
The relationship you have with your adult child won’t be the same as when they were younger, and that’s perfectly normal. It will continue to change as they go through different life stages — perhaps becoming a parent themselves or navigating a career change. Each stage brings new dynamics and challenges to your relationship. The key is to embrace these changes rather than resist them. Be open to discovering new ways of connecting and supporting each other. This evolution doesn’t mean you’re growing apart; it means your relationship is maturing along with your child.
9. Their time is no longer yours to manage.
Source: Unsplash Remember when you used to plan family holidays, schedule doctor’s appointments, and decide on weekend activities for your kids? Well, those days are gone, my friend. Your adult children now have their own schedules, commitments, and priorities. This means you can’t expect them to be available whenever you fancy a chat or a visit. They might miss a family dinner because of work commitments or choose to spend their limited holiday time travelling with friends instead of coming home. It’s not a rejection of you; it’s them living their own lives. Accepting this and being flexible with your expectations can help maintain a positive relationship.
10. Your opinions aren’t the only ones that matter anymore.
As parents, we often assume our opinions should carry the most weight in our children’s decision-making process. But for adult children, your voice is now just one of many they consider. Their friends, partners, mentors, and colleagues all have influence too. This doesn’t mean your opinion isn’t valued, but it’s no longer the be-all and end-all. Learning to offer your thoughts without expecting them to be treated as gospel can lead to more open and honest conversations with your adult children. They’re more likely to share their thoughts with you if they don’t feel pressured to always agree.
11. They might parent differently than you did.
If your adult children have kids of their own, brace yourself for some potentially different parenting approaches. They might choose to raise their children in ways that seem foreign or even wrong to you. Maybe they’re stricter, or more lenient, or have some newfangled ideas about screen time or nutrition that didn’t exist when you were raising them. It’s crucial to remember that parenting styles evolve, and what worked for you might not be the best approach now. Unless there’s a safety concern, try to respect their choices. Offer advice only when asked, and focus on supporting them in their parenting journey rather than criticising their methods.
12. Your role in their financial life needs to change.
Financial independence is a key part of adulthood, but it can be a tricky area for parents and adult children to navigate. Whether your child is financially stable or struggling, it’s important to shift your role from provider to advisor (and only when they ask for advice). Continuing to support them financially into adulthood can create unhealthy dependencies and resentments. If you do choose to help out financially, be clear about whether it’s a gift or a loan, and respect their right to make their own financial decisions, even if you disagree with them. Your goal should be to empower their financial independence, not control it.
13. They have the right to make mistakes.
As parents, our instinct is to protect our children from harm or failure. But making mistakes is a crucial part of growth and learning, even in adulthood. Your adult children have the right to make their own mistakes and learn from them. This might mean watching them take a job you think is wrong for them, or seeing them struggle in a relationship you don’t approve of. It’s not easy, but allowing them to experience consequences and figure things out for themselves is essential for their personal growth. Your role is to be there to support them if they need it, not to prevent them from ever facing challenges.
14. Your validation isn’t the only source of their self-worth.
When our children are young, our approval and praise play a huge role in building their self-esteem. But as adults, they need to develop a sense of self-worth that’s independent of your approval. This means they might make choices you don’t understand or agree with, and that’s okay. They’re not doing it to upset you; they’re following their own path. Learning to support and love them unconditionally, even when their choices differ from what you’d prefer, is crucial. Your role now is to be a cheerleader, not a judge.
15. The way you communicate needs to evolve.
Source: Unsplash Communication styles that worked when your children were younger might not be effective now that they’re adults. The authoritative “because I said so” approach is likely to create more distance than closeness. Instead, focus on open, respectful communication where you listen as much as (or more than) you speak. This might mean learning to use new technologies to stay in touch, or adapting to their preferred communication style. Maybe they prefer texting to phone calls, or find it easier to open up during a shared activity rather than a formal sit-down chat. Being flexible and open to new ways of connecting can help keep your relationship strong and relevant.
