When you grow up with a mother who judges and nitpicks your every move, it can really wear you down.
Not only does it cause self-esteem issues and make you question your worth, but it can also become so ingrained that you end up doing the same thing to your own kids. You don’t want your little ones to have the same experience you did growing up; they should feel loved, accepted, and encouraged. The good thing is that with awareness and hard work, you can nip the cycle of hypercriticism in the bud and offer your children a more supportive environment. Here’s how to do it.
1. Acknowledge the impact of criticism.
The first step in breaking free from a critical upbringing is to recognise the influence it’s had on you. Whether it’s a lack of self-confidence, a habit of second-guessing your every move, or an overwhelming fear of failure, understanding how these behaviours took root is key to changing them. Take time to reflect on how criticism shaped your reactions to challenges and your relationships. Journaling about your experiences or having a heart-to-heart with someone you trust can help you spot patterns you might have missed before. Awareness is the foundation for real change.
2. Separate your worth from your achievements.
If you were raised with constant criticism, it’s easy to start equating your self-worth with how well you perform or how other people see you. It can lead to a never-ending cycle of perfectionism, where your value feels tied to what you do rather than who you are. Start by reminding yourself that you are inherently worthy, regardless of what you accomplish. Celebrate the small steps forward, not just the big wins. Shifting your mindset so that you can appreciate yourself for who you are, and not just what you achieve, is incredibly liberating.
3. Identify the triggers that make you critical.
Stress and frustration can often bring out the critical voice you’ve learned to use, especially in moments when things don’t go as planned. Maybe it’s a missed deadline or a mistake at work that pushes you back into old habits of harsh judgement. When you feel that criticism rising, stop and ask yourself, “Is this frustration about the situation or something deeper?” Recognising these triggers gives you the opportunity to respond differently. Instead of reacting with criticism, you can choose a calmer, more empathetic response.
4. Be nice to yourself every day.
The critical voice of your mother might still linger in your mind, turning into harsh self-talk or self-doubt. Practising self-compassion is a great way to soften that voice and learn to treat yourself with the kindness you deserve, even when things go wrong. Remind yourself that making mistakes is a part of being human. Try using affirmations like, “I’m doing my best,” or even picture yourself speaking to yourself the way you would a close friend. After a while, it helps you rebuild your sense of self-worth and embrace imperfections with grace.
5. Reframe how you give feedback.
If you’ve inherited the tendency to give criticism, it can be easy to slip into harsh feedback without even realising it. The key to breaking this pattern is to reframe the way you offer feedback so that it’s constructive and encouraging rather than discouraging. Focus on what’s going well before suggesting improvements. For example, you could say, “I really like the effort you’ve put into this — let’s build on it,” rather than focusing solely on the flaws. This way, you nurture growth and positivity, which creates a healthier dynamic and avoids passing down the critical energy you experienced.
6. Prioritise emotional validation in conversations.
Growing up in a critical environment often leaves emotional needs unmet, and this is something you’ll want to change for your kids. Start by ensuring that the people around you — whether your children, partner, or friends — feel heard and validated. Validation doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything; it’s simply about acknowledging your child’s feelings. Things like, “I can see why that upset you,” or “That must have been tough,” go a long way in building trust and reducing fear of judgement. By validating emotions, you promote open, honest communication and create a safe space for vulnerability.
7. Model vulnerability instead of perfection.
A critical upbringing can teach you to hide your vulnerabilities, fearing they’ll be used against you. However, vulnerability is an incredibly powerful tool for building trust and breaking down the walls that criticism puts up. Start small by admitting when you’re feeling overwhelmed or sharing personal challenges. Showing vulnerability teaches your kids that it’s okay to be imperfect, and it sets the tone for emotional honesty over unattainable perfection.
8. Create a safe space for mistakes.
If you were raised with the constant fear of making mistakes, that mindset can be hard to break. However, to stop the cycle, you need to start viewing mistakes as opportunities to learn rather than reasons for judgement. Encourage a growth mindset in your children by reassuring them that mistakes are part of the process. If your child spills something while helping you in the kitchen, focus on their effort and praise their willingness to help. This approach teaches them that it’s okay to try, fail, and try again, without the fear of being harshly judged.
9. Reflect before you react.
Many times, criticism comes from knee-jerk reactions to unmet expectations. Breaking this habit means taking a moment to pause before responding, giving you space to choose a more thoughtful, constructive approach. The next time you feel the urge to criticise, ask yourself, “Is this helpful?” Taking even a quick pause allows you to reframe your response in a way that encourages growth rather than reinforcing negativity. Over time, this will transform your communication and help you respond more compassionately.
10. Focus on building strengths, not pointing out weaknesses.
Criticism often highlights flaws and overlooks strengths. To break that cycle, make a conscious effort to focus on what’s going well and highlight your kids’ strengths. By acknowledging what they’re doing well, you not only boost their confidence but also create a more positive atmosphere. For example, if your child has improved in a subject at school, celebrate their effort before suggesting areas for improvement. Doing so creates confidence and helps build a more supportive, positive relationship.
11. Surround yourself with positive influences.
Breaking the cycle of criticism becomes much easier when you’re surrounded by people who uplift and encourage you. If you find that the people around you are often negative or critical, pursue friendships, mentors, or communities that model healthy behaviour. Engaging with people who support your personal growth and encourage your well-being will reinforce the healthier patterns you’re striving to develop in your own life.
12. Celebrate small victories in yourself and your kids.
A critical mindset often misses the little wins, focusing instead on what’s missing or flawed. Counteract this by actively celebrating progress, no matter how small. Whether it’s a personal achievement or something your child has worked hard on, take the time to acknowledge and appreciate the effort. This shift in focus helps you replace negativity with positivity, creating an environment where both you and those around you feel valued and motivated.
13. Learn to apologise and forgive yourself.
In a critical household, admitting fault can feel terrifying, especially when mistakes were often met with shame. However, learning to apologise sincerely is an important part of breaking the cycle of criticism. It’s also crucial to forgive yourself when you make mistakes. Remember, mistakes don’t define who you are. Practising forgiveness both for yourself and your kids creates space for healing, growth, and deeper connection.
14. Consider working with a therapist if you’re struggling.
Breaking free from the effects of a critical upbringing can be overwhelming, especially if those patterns have been ingrained over many years. Therapy or counselling can offer a safe space to unpack your experiences and work on strategies for change. A therapist can help you identify harmful thought patterns, reframe negative perspectives, and support you in building healthier dynamics in your relationships. Seeking help is a brave and powerful step toward creating the life and relationships you want.
15. Commit to breaking the cycle, one step at a time.
Breaking the cycle of criticism is a journey, not an instant transformation. Focus on small, consistent steps, whether it’s pausing before responding, offering encouragement, or practising self-compassion. Every effort you make brings you closer to creating healthier dynamics in your relationships. Remember, change takes time, but each step is a testament to your commitment to breaking the cycle and offering a new kind of environment for your children.
