You might think you’re just being helpful or efficient, but you could be coming off as bossy and overbearing.
It’s not always down to your tone of voice, either — the words you’re using could send the message that you’re pushy and don’t respect people’s preferences and boundaries. Here are some things to remove from your vocabulary as soon as possible — unless you want to ruin your reputation for good.
1. “You should…” is your go-to opener for giving advice.
Source: Unsplash Saying this implies that you know better than the person you’re talking to, regardless of their own experiences or preferences. Instead of offering unsolicited advice, try asking if they’d like your input first. This respects their autonomy and allows them to decide whether they want your opinion. If they do, frame your suggestions more gently, using statements like, “Have you considered…” or “One option could be…”
2. “Just trust me” is your response to questions or concerns.
While you might have the best intentions, dismissing someone’s concerns with “just trust me” can feel invalidating. It suggests that their questions or hesitations aren’t important or worthy of consideration, and it can also create pressure and make people feel uncomfortable expressing their doubts. Instead, take the time to address their concerns directly. Explain your reasoning and be open to feedback. Building trust requires transparency and mutual respect, not demands for blind faith.
3. “I’m just being honest” is your defence for harsh comments.
Honesty is indeed important, but it shouldn’t be used as a shield for insensitivity. This often follows a blunt or hurtful statement and attempts to absolve the speaker of responsibility for the impact of their words. True honesty involves not just speaking your mind, but also considering how your words affect people. If you find yourself using this a lot, you need to reflect on whether you’re prioritising brutal honesty over empathy and tact.
4. “Why haven’t you…” is your way of checking on task progress.
Starting questions with “Why haven’t you…” can immediately put people on the defensive. It implies that they’ve failed to do something they should have done, without considering potential obstacles or reasons for delay. This phrasing can create unnecessary stress and resentment. Instead, try a more neutral approach like “How’s the progress on…?” or “Is there anything you need help with regarding…?” These alternatives open up a dialogue rather than putting pressure on the other person.
5. “You always” or “You never” are your go-to statements in arguments.
Using absolutes like “always” and “never” in disagreements is rarely accurate and often escalates conflicts. These sweeping statements can make the other person feel attacked and misunderstood, leading them to become defensive rather than open to resolution. They also oversimplify complex situations and ignore any efforts the person might have made. Instead, try to focus on specific instances and use “I” statements to express how you feel, like “I felt frustrated when…” This approach is more likely to lead to productive conversations and solutions.
6. “I’m not trying to be pushy, but…” precedes your insistent requests.
This is often followed by, well, something pushy. It’s a way of trying to soften a forceful statement or request, but it doesn’t actually change the pushy nature of what follows. Using this preface suggests you’re aware that what you’re about to say might be perceived as pushy, yet you’re proceeding anyway. Instead of using this disclaimer, consider whether your request is truly necessary or if there’s a less forceful way to express it. If you find yourself about to say this, it’s a good moment to pause and reconsider your approach.
7. “You’re overreacting” is your response to other people’s emotions.
Dismissing someone’s feelings with “You’re overreacting” is both pushy and invalidating. It suggests that you know better than they do about how they should feel, and it can make people hesitant to express their emotions around you in the future. Everyone experiences and processes emotions differently, and what seems like an overreaction to you might be a perfectly valid response for someone else. Instead of judging their reaction, try to understand it. Ask questions like, “Can you help me understand why you feel this way?” This approach shows respect for their emotions and opens up a more constructive dialogue.
8. “I’m just trying to help” is your justification for unwanted advice.
While your intentions might be good, using this to justify giving unsolicited advice can come across as pushy and presumptuous. It implies that the other person should be grateful for your input, regardless of whether they asked for it or find it helpful. This can be particularly frustrating if the person hasn’t indicated they want or need help. Instead of assuming your help is needed, ask if they would like assistance or advice. Respect their decision if they decline, and remember that sometimes people just want to be heard rather than fixed.
9. “You need to” is your preferred way of giving instructions.
Starting sentences with “You need to” can come across as overly directive and bossy. It implies that you know what’s best for the other person without considering their perspective or circumstances. This phrasing can make people feel patronised or controlled, potentially leading to resistance or resentment. Instead, try using more collaborative language like “Have you thought about…” or “One approach could be…” This way, you’re offering suggestions rather than demands, allowing the other person to maintain their autonomy and feel respected.
10. “I told you so” is your response when your predictions come true.
Source: Unsplash While it might be tempting to point out when you were right, saying “I told you so” is rarely helpful and often comes across as smug and pushy. It prioritises your own ego over the other person’s feelings, especially if they’re already dealing with the consequences of a decision. Instead of gloating, try offering support or asking how you can help. If there’s a lesson to be learned from the situation, wait for a more appropriate time to discuss it constructively, without the “I told you so” attitude.
11. “Just do it my way” is your solution to disagreements.
Source: Unsplash Insisting that everyone follow your approach without considering alternatives is a clear sign of pushiness. Saying this dismisses other people’s ideas and experiences, implying that your way is inherently superior. It can stifle creativity and collaboration, making people feel undervalued. Instead, be open to different methods and perspectives. Ask people for their ideas and be willing to compromise. You might find that a combination of approaches leads to the best outcome.
12. “You’re doing it wrong” is your way of offering corrections.
Source: Unsplash Bluntly telling someone they’re wrong can be demoralising and pushy, especially if they haven’t asked for your input. It focuses on criticism rather than constructive feedback. Instead, if you notice someone struggling or making mistakes, ask if they’d like some suggestions. If they’re open to it, frame your advice positively, focusing on how to improve rather than what’s wrong. This approach is more likely to be well-received and actually helpful.
13. “Are you sure you want to do that?” is your way of expressing disapproval.
Source: Unsplash This question, often asked with a sceptical tone, can be a passive-aggressive way of pushing your opinion onto other people. It suggests doubt in their judgment without directly stating your concerns. While it’s framed as a question, it often comes across as a challenge or criticism. If you have genuine concerns, it’s better to express them directly and respectfully. Share your thoughts openly, but also be prepared to accept that the other person might make a different choice.
14. “I’m not taking no for an answer” is your response to refusals.
Source: Unsplash This statement is fundamentally pushy, as it explicitly disregards the other person’s right to refuse. It shows a lack of respect for boundaries and can make people feel cornered or manipulated. Persistence can be a positive trait, but not when it tramples over other people’s clearly expressed wishes. Instead of pushing back against a “no,” try to understand the reasons behind it. There might be concerns or obstacles you haven’t considered. Respect people’s decisions, even if they don’t align with what you want.
15. “It’s not a big deal” is how you dismiss people’s concerns.
Source: Unsplash Using this to wave off someone’s worries or objections can be both pushy and invalidating. What seems insignificant to you might be important to someone else. By dismissing their concerns, you’re pushing your perspective onto them and potentially making them feel silly for caring. Instead, try to understand why the issue matters to them. Even if you still think it’s not a big deal, acknowledge their feelings and show respect for their point of view.
16. “You’ll regret it if you don’t” is your way of persuading people.
Source: Unsplash This can come across as manipulative and pushy, playing on people’s fears of missing out or making mistakes. It pressures people into doing what you think is best, rather than allowing them to make their own informed decisions. Instead of using potential regret as a motivator, provide balanced information about the pros and cons of different choices. Trust people to make their own decisions based on their own values and priorities.
17. “I know what’s best for you” is your claim in giving advice.
Source: Unsplash This statement, while often well-intentioned, can be incredibly pushy and presumptuous. It assumes that you understand someone else’s situation, needs, and desires better than they do themselves. This can be particularly grating if you don’t have all the information or haven’t experienced their specific circumstances. Instead of claiming to know what’s best, offer your perspective as just that — your perspective. Use words like “From my experience…” or “One thing to consider might be…” This approach respects the other person’s ability to make their own decisions while still offering your insights.
