Growing up without enough affection can leave lasting imprints on a person’s psyche.
While everyone’s experience is unique, there are some common traits that often develop in those who didn’t receive adequate nurturing in their formative years. It’s important to remember that recognising these traits is the first step towards healing and growth. Here are some of the characteristics often seen in people who grew up starved for affection.
1. They’re hyper-independent to a fault.
These folks often develop a fierce sense of self-reliance. It’s like they’ve got an internal mantra of “I don’t need anyone.” While independence can be a strength, they take it to extremes. They’ll bend over backwards to avoid asking for help, even when they’re drowning in responsibilities. It’s not about being capable; it’s about fear of vulnerability. They learned early on that depending on anyone else for emotional support was a risky business, so they’ve become their own one-person army.
2. They struggle with physical touch and intimacy.
For someone who didn’t get enough hugs growing up, physical affection can feel like a foreign language. They might flinch at a friendly pat on the back or feel awkward during hugs. It’s not that they don’t crave touch – they often do – but it feels unfamiliar and potentially threatening. In romantic relationships, this can manifest as difficulty with intimacy. They’re like a cat that wants to be petted but can’t help arching away from the hand reaching out to them.
3. They’re people-pleasers to the extreme.
Source: Unsplash When affection was scarce, some folks learned that the way to get love was to be “good” all the time. Fast-forward to adulthood, and you’ve got someone who’s constantly bending over backwards to make everyone happy, often at their own expense. They’re the ones who can’t say no, who agree to plans they don’t want to do, who apologise for things that aren’t their fault. It’s like they’re still that kid, desperately trying to earn the affection they should have received unconditionally.
4. They have a deep-seated fear of abandonment.
When your emotional needs weren’t met as a child, you might grow up with a persistent fear that everyone you care about will eventually leave you. This can lead to clingy behaviour in relationships or, paradoxically, pushing people away before they have a chance to leave. It’s like they’re constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. This fear can be exhausting, both for them and for the people in their lives.
5. They struggle with self-worth and validation.
Source: Unsplash Without a solid foundation of affection, many people grow up feeling inherently unlovable. They might become approval seekers, constantly looking for external validation to fill that inner void. Compliments slide off them like water off a duck’s back, but criticism? That sticks like glue. It’s as if their self-worth is a leaky bucket that they’re constantly trying to fill with accomplishments and praise, but it never quite stays full.
6. They have difficulty expressing emotions.
Source: Unsplash When you grow up in an environment where emotions aren’t freely expressed or acknowledged, you might struggle to identify and articulate your feelings as an adult. It’s like they’re emotional illiterates, trying to read a language they were never taught. This can lead to bottled-up feelings that come out in unexpected ways, or a sense of numbness that they can’t shake. They might be the person who says “I’m fine” even when they’re clearly not because they don’t have the emotional vocabulary to express what’s really going on.
7. They’re overly sensitive to rejection.
For someone who didn’t get enough affection, every perceived rejection can feel like a confirmation of their deepest fears. An unreturned text message might spiral into thoughts of “They hate me,” or a casual cancellation of plans could feel like a personal attack. It’s like they’re walking around with an overly sensitive rejection radar, picking up on and amplifying the slightest hints of disinterest or disapproval.
8. They have trust issues.
When the people who were supposed to provide unconditional love and support didn’t come through, it can be hard to trust that anyone else will. These folks might be constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop in relationships, or have a hard time believing that someone’s affection is genuine. It’s like they’re emotional tightrope walkers, always braced for a fall that they’re sure is coming.
9. They’re overachievers or perfectionists.
Some people who didn’t get enough affection growing up try to compensate by being perfect in every other area of life. They might throw themselves into work or hobbies, constantly striving for excellence. The thinking goes: “If I’m successful enough, smart enough, talented enough, then I’ll finally be worthy of love.” It’s exhausting, like they’re on a hamster wheel of achievement that never quite gets them where they want to be.
10. They have difficulty setting boundaries.
When you’re not used to your needs being respected or even acknowledged, it can be tough to set healthy boundaries as an adult. These folks might find themselves in one-sided friendships or relationships, always giving more than they receive. They might struggle to say no or to assert their own needs. It’s like they’re living in a house without walls, leaving them exposed and vulnerable to people’s demands and expectations.
11. They’re prone to anxiety or depression.
Source: Unsplash The emotional neglect experienced in childhood can set the stage for mental health struggles later in life. They might deal with persistent anxiety, always waiting for the other shoe to drop, or struggle with depression, feeling a deep-seated sense of unworthiness. It’s like they’re carrying around an emotional weight that other people can’t see, making everyday life feel like an uphill battle.
12. They have a hard time believing in love.
For someone who didn’t experience consistent affection in childhood, the idea of unconditional love can seem like a fairytale. They might intellectually understand the concept, but emotionally, it doesn’t compute. This can lead to cynicism about relationships or a tendency to sabotage good things that come their way. It’s like they’re watching a film in a language they don’t speak – they can see that love exists, but they can’t quite grasp or trust in it.
13. They’re often drawn to unavailable or emotionally distant partners.
Ironically, people who didn’t get enough affection growing up often find themselves attracted to partners who are emotionally unavailable. It’s familiar territory for them – the chase for affection, the uncertainty, the highs of occasional validation. It’s like they’re subconsciously recreating the dynamics of their childhood, hoping for a different outcome this time around.
14. They struggle with self-care.
When you grow up without learning that you’re worthy of care and affection, it can be hard to prioritise your own needs as an adult. These folks might neglect their physical health, push themselves too hard at work, or fail to engage in activities that bring them joy. It’s like they’re running on an empty tank, always putting everyone else’s needs before their own because they never learned that their own needs matter too.
15. They have a tendency to overthink relationships.
Without a secure foundation of affection, every interaction in a relationship can become loaded with meaning. They might obsess over the tone of a text message, or spend hours analysing a casual comment. It’s like they’re emotional detectives, constantly searching for clues about where they stand with people. This overthinking can be exhausting and often leads to misunderstandings or unnecessary conflicts.
